poetry critical

online poetry workshop

To the Spider who lives in my keyboard

i hate you.
everything about you -
your gangly stature,
your eyes with a one-sided demeanor,
your legs moving like the needle of a sewing machine;
the way you
d         n         e         l         n        t        e         e         s
     a          c         a        o        g        h        k         y
with little to no exertion;
the way you taunt me
with your jerking movements,
scurrying past,
with mechanically cunning
legs moving up and down,
embodying your
badgering dance.
((*taunt* *taunt*))
i saw you there; you ran
across Enter, PgUp, End,
             1 2
then dipped into a crack,
like a pilot executing a barrel roll,
as if you were the one who
was scared of me.
but i assure you:
          you may be the one who took my keyboard hostage,
          but i'm the one with the vacuum cleaner.


this was a true occurence.....

(***NOTE: as to avoid confusion, for lines 7-8, the letters will appear differently depending on what kind of web browser you are using. for instance, internet explorer displays the letters correctly, whereas netscape does not. sorry for the confusion)

15 Jan 06

Rated 8.2 (8) by 26 users.
Active (26): 1, 1, 3, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (14): 2, 2, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(10 more poems by this author)

(17 users consider this poem a favorite)

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I loved this even after the first line before I realized there was a drop...... great drop because spiders do this when they're hanging by their invisible threads. Now, this might be a repost because it looks tantalizingly familiar but it is SO WONDERFUL! The way you make your letters dance like magical keystrokes.
wooooooooooooooooooosh indeed. Ten  x  Ten Dizzying & Dazzling and you know what? I'm respectful of spiders.
 — unknown

thank you very much unknown, you are very kind. and no, this is not a repost, i just wrote this. i respect spiders too, but i am extremely afraid of them! funny how it would attack me where i'm sitting most often; at the computer!
thanks for the comment, much appreciated.
 — unknown

i love the dancing letters
i'm afraid of spiders too..
 — anno

hey anno, thanks, and i'm glad we can relate!
 — unknown

Fantastic. The only thing I'd suggest is add in more line breaks either sides of the letters, and perhaps get rid of the brackets. I just think that this would be so much stronger without that bracket kind of voice, I think that it would stand fine without.

Also, you might like to experiment with linebreaks for the "Enter, PgUp" etc., etc., sections, just to work on some space for the aesthetics. Overall, killer last line xD
 — wendz

i'm not sure what "letters" you mean.. do you mean line 7 and 8?
i don't really see how i can take out the brackets for line 13 though... and i'm not sure if i change the spacing for "Enter, PgUp, etc" it will look too forced? if you have any suggestions i will be glad to consider them.

"killer last line" haha nice pun :)
 — gears

i love it!
 — FrayedSkirt

quality. my suggestions are as follow:
line 4- "one-sided" its grammatically correct either way, i just think it looks better like this.
line 9- change "or" to "to"
line 13- i don't think you need this line at all. it adds nothing, so therefore must take away.
line 15- when i read "giving way" i thought you were going to make a traffic analogy. like "giving way at the space bar." that statement is not helpful, but just a bit of trivia. hahaha
line 20- i'd arrange these numbers like they appear on the number section of the keyboard, thus:
1 2
lines 21&22- awesome!
great ending, great poem.
            ;          &nbs p;  
 — emptyepitaph

i'd suggest first off putting your intro into the footer.
it's nice to start reading a poem without the distraction
of whizzing to line [whatever] first, to see what you're going on about.
it seems ridiculous but it really is that simple
to encourage someone browsing on the internet
to click onto the next poem.


funny first line
i thought you were going to give us a one line wonder
to define the title
glad you didn't

personally i think you should cap the I in 1. [and throughout]
consider that small caps suggest the subversion of grammatical rules and language in the text itself:
it's a tool, as much as rhyme. metre. structure.
i would recommend that use it considerately of the tone
and message of your poem.
or it looks a bit silly.
especially as you use punctuation
and you're content isn't subverting grammar rules or language use.
[i may never have given wiser advice to someone on here before. shrug]

3 stature is a good word choice
especially if you are frightened of spiders
i like the idea that even the smallest creature
[even big spiders are small compared to a human]
can loom in the mind
i think this word choice captures some of that.

4 i believe it's one-sided
otherwise i had to stop and think about this description.
spiders have eyes on stalks don't they?
i guess it could be described as one-sided
but i bet you could do better.

5 excellent analogy. contains speed, sound, and directional motion.
that's what i like to see in poetry

well placed pictorial representation of the spider moving like a needle
[it is always advisable to be sparse with structural layout]

9 do you need this line?

10. it's really accurate of the mindset of an arachnophobe
to believe that a spider is taunting them
you have captured a very amusing and authentic voice in this line

13 do you need this line?
do you need the phrase in brackets?

from 13 is where the text weakens.
you've given me the image of 13 & 14
in 5 & 8
i see no reason for you to repeat it.

15&16. i love badgers. badgering is another great visual word.
it works well with the earlier taunting
and then sealing it with humour in line 17

my suggestion for 20 is 4, S, 2
let me see the movement across the keyboard

21 ha-ha: and so we find out you are speaking of the titchiest spider known to man.

21&22 another good analogy

24 end comma

[please get rid of the whoosh, it's seriously naff and unnecessary]

good poem. though being a spider lover i disagree entirely with spiders being hoovered, or essentially killed. so i might wish for a more humanitarian ending to the poem, but i wouldn't score you down for it.

it's a nice. light piece of humorous work. with really only 10 to 17 dragging the piece down.
 — kaleidazcope

I love this but I agree that the 'wooooooooosshhh' is not needed. Great otherwise though, keep up the good work.

 — musicwords

haha at first, i thought the entire poem was "i hate you" and that made me laugh.  i was pleased to read the rest of it, especially the end.  the wooooooooosshhh made me laugh.
 — HandsomeHerb

frayedskirt - thank you very much : )

empty - i was aware of the "one-sided", but it seems that i forgot to add it in when posting here; but thank you for bringing it to my attention
line 9 has been changed
line 15 i knew would be confusing.. i changed it, so i hope it makes more sense now?
line 20 great idea, thanks! do you think i should keep the commas in though?
thanks for the comments again..

kaleidezcope - i was unsure myself whether or not to put the header as a footer or not, but with your suggestion i changed it, thanks. i know it may sound odd, but i do not like to put "i"s in capitols in poems... to me it seems that if it is capitolized then it becomes a proper name of sorts, when it was my intention to related to everyone (or at least try to) thru the use of a decapitolized "i".. this is just my artistic perspective though.... (sorry, it's confusing :])
line 4 has been noted, thanks again.. but by one-sided i meant the eyes never change, they always seem to have the same look... should i rewrite that or leave it to personal interpretation?
for line 20, i don't think you understood where on the keyboard i was describing exactly... i am describing the section that is to the far right, just on both sides of the arrow keys (with "enter" to the left and the numbers to the right).. therefore, "S" would be nowhere near there! haha
it is funny, because i too do not like killing any creature, including the arachnids of whom i am extremely afraid of... (i don't even think i got it with my vacuum, but it seems to be gone now :])
thank you ever so kindly for your lengthy analysis, i will keep in mind your other suggestions...

musicwords and handsomeherb - thanks for reading and the comments, greatly appreciated : )

originally the only idea that came to mind for this poem was the first line "i hate you".. haha glad to see that continuing the poem was a good idea...

as many have pointed out, line 13 is a little rough i suppose.. i'm not too sure how to go about editing that line yet... if i take out the brackets then i destroy what i had originally intended, and if i take out the entire line then it seems that the next lines come out of nowhere, no? if anyone has any suggestions that would be great!

it seems as though there are contradicting opinions on the "woooossshh" line.. and so i think i will leave it as is for the moment being...

again, thanks to all for the reads, ratings and comments. glad you all liked it..

 — gears

i have an alternative for line 13:
“with [fearless/intrepid] cunning.” and then put “legs” at the start of line 14.
and i think you should delete the commas in the 412 bit. and yes, line 15 is better now. thanks for taking my other suggestions into consideration
 — emptyepitaph

thank for the idea empty.. i made a change on line 13.. not sure if it sounds right, but i tried to combine my original idea with it... ?
the commas have been deleted.. also, lines 7-8 have been slightly reformatted; i hope it looks clear on everyone's page now
thanks again e.
 — gears

Line 13 sounds great, as does the entire poem. My only suggestion is to possibly get rid of the last line. It's a bit too comical, and while the piece is quite hilarious in its own way, that line is just too silly. That being said, I honestly think you're one of the best manipulators of text and the actual image of the words aligned on a page; it's so appealing in terms of content AND style. The gigantic drop from line 1 to 2 is ingenious, and lines 18-22 are great.

I really love this! Good work, and I'm excited to keep track as your style progresses even more.
 — mixtapeboy

For the most part, that was pretty impressive.
I hate spiders with a burning passion as well.
 — lieskilllies

and so, after careful deliberation, i have removed the last line from the "official" poem... its still in the footnote though, i just couldnt bare to delete it completely :P
mixtapeboy, oh my, infinite thanks to you, you are very kind and i am certainly glad that you enoyed this... i really, really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.. : )
lieskill, thanks to you too for taking the time to read/comment/rate... i do not like spiders one bit either!

thanks again to all, and for the help.
 — gears


this is clever!!
 — misspanda

(yes that ---^-- is the extent of my commenting... 8))
 — misspanda

good work here.

L13   mechanically -> mechanical ?
 — SeanConnery

Don't change it. It's clever the way it is. I mean, it was great from line 1. It actually disappointed me to learn there was more.
"I hate you." So short, so succint, yet loaded with expression that was easy to pick up on. I really connected with you. You really hated that spider.
 — Sacrilicious

This is the funniest!  I was about to write a computer/spider poem this morning!  This will suffice for me.
 — Isabelle5

Hah, I knew someone with spiders in their keyboard once.
 — Cloudless

hehe- like it
 — Pegboy

heh. this is clever. yeah, I really like this. might I ask, how is the spider doing?
 — Brando_O

this *is* really funny.  my heart about dropped after the first line.  cool formatting.

spiders ... eww!

i'd've bought a new keyboard.  it's not that i'm afraid of spiders; i'm just a pacifist is all...
 — innominate

Centipedes are worse!  They have 92 more legs!  I pet one and it let me...my pointer finger ran softly down it's spine and it felt like a feather and then it took off like lightning.  Yuck.  I love your poem btw.  Cute.  I thought line one was the poem and when I scrolled down for the comments, there was MORE!  Funny.
 — starr

misspanda - thanks for reading, your lack of words is just as valid as any comment, and thanks for adding to your favs : )
SeanC - yes, it is mechanically... its an adjective in this case, i guess.. thanks for the read.
Sacrilicious - as i stated before, the original version of this poem was simply the first line, but i thought i would get a royal PC beating if i didnt write a little more.. then what came out is what is written... haha, i'm glad we can relate thru this experience
isabelle, pegboy and cloudless, thanks for your time; appreciated, as always
brando_O - i have no idea where the spider is! i wish i knew... i didnt get it with the vacuum, i assume it is lurking somewhere else with the other arachnids of my room *hides*
innominate - hahaHA! after finding this spider i went downstairs and told my father "i want a new keyboard!".. my thoughts precisely...
starr - it sounds like you've got a poem in the works there yourself.. it would be interesting to compare our two experiences :P

to everyone who has taken the time to read, rate and comment, i send out my most sincere thanks... i'm glad you could all laugh at my expense : )

but, on a more puzzling note, where did this rather random 4 come from? not to sound conceited or pompous or anything, but it seems that all these comments were on the more positive side rather than the negative.. to whoever rated, i would like to know just what it is thats so unappealing.... well, then again, you cant win them all...

thanks again,
 — gears

this made me laugh, well written and brilliant, like the huge drop and your letters that jump.
Well done (10)
not logged in yet
 — unknown

you get that damned 8 legged fool.

verrrrrrry nice.
 — colormetink

thanks marie, as always, i'll await your rate :P
color, glad you enjoyed it as well.

- gears
 — unknown

Random 4?  You're worried about a random 4?  Wait till the random 1's hit your good poem and they are from Unknowns.  It's enough to make you tear legs off bugs...
 — Isabelle5

i say "random 4" because usually a 1 is to get a certain unknowns poem higer on the ratings or is out of spite or something... on the other hand, a 4 usually means something, and since i couldnt really find any "negative" type comments on here, i was just wondering where it came from.... this is just my perspective on the ratings at pc though...
but thanks, isabelle.

- gears
 — unknown

This is gold.  Very creative structural composition with an enjoyably playful tone.  Congratulations on the wonderful piece, and thanks for making me laugh. =)
 — Dheroan

gears, this is so cute.  hilarious.  i love the "dance along the keys"  and how you wrote "4, 1, 2," in the format they appear on the keyboard.  a new favorite!
 — woman_power

Love this and the way you have laid it out is effective
 — larrylark

dheroan, glad you can laugh at my experience : )
woman_power, i have to give some credit to emptyepitaph for the "4 1 2" placement (hope he's doing well wherever he is now), but thanks for reading
larry lark, glad you enjoyed it as well.

oh, and thanks again to the unknowns who rate this poorly. if you have something to say, i'd like to hear it (i say this unbitterly, i am wondering if there is something specific i can change and improve?)

thanks to all again,
- gears
 — unknown

hola mama y papa te amor.
 — unknown

hi, came back to read this because i just think it's so cute!  did you change the ending?  i feel like you added lines 27 and 28.
i don't know what it is about this.  somehow i was hooked from "i hate you."  haha...that sounds funny.  but i was!  i think it's the dryness of the line.  it's so sarcastic, which makes it hilarious.  you're being so serious to something so…insignificant (no offense, spider).  and there’s something about a little spider dancing around on your keyboard.  not that spiders are all that cute, but i just picture some little daddy long legs or something, like a harmless one.  and then when i read this i pictured you sort of pecking cautiously around the keys trying to avoid the spider...  ah!  adorable poem.
 — woman_power




 — winter

w_p, thanks for coming back again.. and no, i did not change the ending, it was there all a long : ) and no, this was not a little daddy longlegs! it was quite the grotesque spider.. and it's funny that you would say "pecking cautiously around the keys", because afterwards i used pencils to press the keys! im glad you enjoyed this though, thanks again.
winter, thanks for reading, i greatly appreciate it and im happy you liked it so.
 — gears

HA! I too at first loved this--all I saw was line one and I busted up laughing. I love the tone of this but in spots it still seems lacking momentum...I've skimmed the comments and I really don't know what it is for me...I think maybe the lines are too loaded for me to feel...flowy *word?* after that extra long pause after line one (glad I scrolled down, by the way--*grin*)...If there would be anything I would change in this (which is questionable in itself) it would have to be to shorten the line lengths to where each feels almost staccato, to emphasize the keystrokes when typing or something...but then again, I can't picture it in my head any other way....All in all, fantastic job. Very enjoyable and lighthearted. Also--I'm pretty sure it's something everyone (on this site at the very least) can whole-heartedly indentify with. Bravo!
 — gem_grrrl

I love most spiders, had a pet black widow for a few years. but i also love this poem.
 — katt

ha!  i almost spit out my drink when i read that you used pencils to press the keys!!  that's hilarious...must have taken a while to type!  everytime i come back to this there's something else to laugh at!
 — woman_power

gem, i understand what you mean by the "staccato" feel, but i too do not know exactly how to put that in, or if i want to, but thanks for the suggestion : ) thanks for the read and comments, im glad you could identify with this

katt - its not that i dont like spiders, they just scare me so much! call me an arachnophobic haha... thanks for reading.

w_p, i know its quite ahilrious and it did take a long time too, with many typos!! :P thanks for coming back once again

- gears
 — unknown

*hilarious, sorry
- gears
 — unknown

very nice.
 — Estrella

thanks estrella
- gears
 — unknown

Funny.  Cute.  I smirked.

It's a little too flippant and trite at parts (namely lines 2, 8, and 10)

I love lines 22-25, and the endng is classic (line 27 is a little unnecessary)
 — mouse

mouse, you are a little trite,get a new word for God's sake
 — unknown

mouse - i think if i were to take out line 27, then that would defeat the point of it all, dont you think? thanks for the read..
unknown - erm, i think that was unecessary, but....... thanks? :s
 — gears

you are a good writer you should hit me up on aim or msg some time my user names are on my site
 — idiotbox

idiotbox, i dont know what to say... im flattered (and confused)... ill see to it though...
 — gears

this is quite good.
 — unknown

thanks, unknown.
 — gears

why sincerely? seems an odd thing to write.  should I just know?
 — unknown

haha well i mean that thanks sincerely... and its a way i sign off sometimes :P
 — gears

The top of my head is tingling - great work.
 — crepaway

oh chinga!

this was sooooooooooooooooo good till the bacuum

why'd you have to go ruin it with a bacuum?

i mean that is lame after such a wonderful ride

why not eat the spider?

Give it a go!

what a pity

 — unknown

porcia - sorry you didnt like the end, but thats what happened : )
crepaway - thank you ever so kindly for the read, very appreciated

 — gears

LMFAO brilliant :)
 — unknown

oh, i don't think i've read this.
this is beautiful.
love the imagery.
 — Gabriella

Wowzers...great poem. It was a random poem I stumbled upon and I'm glad there was more than "I hate you" because I was going to give this a harsher comment if that was all. Great poem though. So terribly clever. Jealous. 10 out of 10.
 — MrChris

gabriella, thanks for the comment : )
mrC - i feel like i have accomplished what i set out for when i first wrote this, thanks for reinstating just this fact. and jealous? of me? HA! but thank you for being ever so kind..
 — gears

 — BrokenWords

      Outstanding; I love the informal voice.  It borders on absurdism, and is a delightful read.  Normally experimental visual forms annoy me, but yours were done with a light touch and add to the poem whereas, for me, they normally detract.
     Quick question, if you get back to this, this is the most recent work of yours I found; did you delete a bunch, or just stop posting?  What I've seen is wonderful free verse, a lot of internal rhyme and excellent word-play; I hope you'll post more soon.
 — mikkirat

this i really liked. it was enjoyable to read, and i can totally understand. it may not be a really 'deep' kind of poem, but that's okay; it's good anyway. :)
 — missmurder

not to mention i love the first line with the gigantic pause. it made me laugh. <3
 — missmurder

i hate spiders but i really like this ...... as for the letters they make sense to me when i read them on firefox.... just to let you know =)
 — xtormentedx

you may be the one who took my keyboard hostage,
          but i'm the one with the vacuum cleaner.


 — unknown

haha i kid you not, this actually happened. and yes, the sound of a vaccuum cleaner.
 — gears

i love it!! you made something so simple so fun.  And lines 7 and 8 are arranged brilliantly!!!
 — loveart416

thank you, loveart : )
 — gears

for an embarassingly long time, i thought this poem was only one line.
 — jerotich

hahaha, how amusing! but i will admit, at first i was only stuck with said one line.

- gears
 — unknown

Delighted to see this at number four in the top rated gears my friend.

 — musicwords

musicwords, its been a while! thanks for coming back (as always), i hope youre doing ok : )
 — gears

great work gears - I have always loved reading your work and this does you credit.
 — Rousseau

I'm enchanted by this - the cunning acrobatic spider is a real little character and the menacing vacuum cleaner has all the sinister power of a horror story denouement. I did stare at the first line for ages though, trying to work it out - i thought it was some sort of mini haiku.
 — opal

I really love the linebreaks and structure of the piece.
 — Virgil

too much space after "i hate you". good effect there, but I missed it in the rest of the poem.
 — thehalfman

adorable. really:) and funnaye. i think you have a way with words..and spiders:)
 — miss_minx

this was HILARIOUS! i loved it when i thought it was just " i hate you" so funny.

keep it up, its funny.

FAVORITE PART(S): first line. and last 2
 — NathanSimms

love the way the first line was done, actually loved this whole piece. thanks for sharing
 — pixie

I felt like I was watching the special olympics.

Funny, but not in a good way.

In conclusuion, the poem sucks, a good child's poem though (more the reason why this poem is liked on this website).
 — pra3torian

Oh man. I'd say this is a cute poem more than anything else; plus, the aesthetic touches (the huge drop and dancing letters especially) are nice.

I dig it.
 — jcameron

haha just stumbled on this and its fucking great!
 — modern_nomad

haha thanks : )
 — gears

ln4 - 'a' to 'their'

ln5 - i like sewing-machine-needle legs but i think that's just me

ln13 - nix it

 — ohnosynapse

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