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then again, i only just met her
heat-her

i accidently walked into this womans room at my friends sharehouse just this morning. its only a first draft. i think it could really do with new title.

words fall from her mouth and shatter at my feet
 1
and although the light is penetrating her darkness
 2
she can no longer stand like the red flower
 3
placed (for cheer) on her flaking cobalt windowsill,
 4
there is a hint of something forced in her stance
 5
and although she faces the day's radiance
 6
she closes her jaded eyes.
 7

15 Jan 06

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
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Comments:

this seems a little confusing to me.. i think it needs to be broken up a little more.. and the cliches should be taken out (ex: "light is penetrating her darkness" "red flower").. i think you could have an interesting description here though, and i like the title.. keep working on this one.
 — gears

line 6: day's* radiance

perhaps line 5 can be tightened up a little:

her stance hints serenity forced;
for although she faces the day's radiance
she closes her jaded eyes.

just suggestions.

lovely piece nonetheless.
 — SteelAngel

Great title.

I like the poem and feel it has immense potential to be something more. Line four is my favourite. The gentle touch with the parentheses really makes it for me.

x
 — musicwords

Hey this ain't too shabby! (please you liked L8 by the way!)

I may if you allow offer a suggestion for a few changes of the line breaks:

words fall from her
mouth, shatter at my feet.
She can no longer stands
like the red flower placed
(for cheer)
on her flaking cobalt windowsill,
there is a hint of something
forced in her stance
and although she faces the day's radiance
she closes
her jaded eyes.

ooops added in a couple of minor revs, sorry hope you don't mind!
nice one.
 — unknown

*laughs* i thank you L8 unknown ;p
i had almost forgotten completely about this poem until you bumped it up again.
 — heat-her

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