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dust motes
inutile

bright sunlight filters through
 1
miniscule dust motes
 2
hovering anxiously
 3
in the air, sparkling
 4
like mica chips; dazzling
 5
my retinas, they
 6
exist as shimmering,
 7
glittery moon dust.
 8
 
 
shadowy fingers reach
 9
for them, hiding them
 10
as if once out of sight
 11
they are also out
 12
of mind; i turn away,
 13
breathe the motes in and
 14
out again, providing
 15
the momentum that
 16
sustains their brief journey.
 17

15 Jan 06

Rated 8.4 (7.7) by 9 users.
Active (9): 4, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (5): 1, 5, 8, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(55 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
dia



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Comments:

typo line 13
put "journey" on own line
i'll be back later for proper critique. this is good though.
 — emptyepitaph

very nice ending... almost... surreal? i feel like lines 5 and 13 are a little awkward.. nice idea though.
 — gears

thanks for pointing out the typo.

i can't put journey on it's own line because it would severely break the metre of my poem.
 — inutile

awkward because of the end and start of sentence in the middle of the line? or what?
 — inutile

because i can't just bump them down to the next line, and i don't want the stanzas to be just really long sentences. and i like how they intertwine.
 — inutile

haha yeah sorry i meant that the sentances starting in the middle thing... i dont know why, its probably just me.. to not throw it off you could maybe put a semi colon? i dont know, i just feel like the capitol alone makes it distracting to the eyes, and i wouldnt want that to take away from the original and well expressed ideas in here..
haha i dont know, its probably just me on this one :P
 — gears

yes. i like semi-colons.

thank you very much.
 — inutile

you're welcome.

when i refreshed this page it already looked better in my eyes; it seems to flow effortlessly now. great job.
- gears
 — unknown

this is a nice poem about a pause. Somethings we often forget to reflect on. good job. I call it a pause as its just a few seconds of insight and reflection and you captured it beautifuly...
 — Trish77

It seems like you are being wordy just to be wordy in this poem- with very little that is actually said. "miniscule" in l2 is implied by "mote". The phrase "dazzling my retinas" makes me cringe. "Glitterously" is not a word.

I think it'd like it better if the shadowy fingers blocked out the light... therefore making the motes disappear. A single hand can't very well hide them otherwise.
 — Ananke

I agree with Ananke, this says nothing!
 — unknown

ananke, you seem to have missed the whole point of my poem. trish77 understood what i was aiming at, and for that, i thank her.

the whole point of this was to outline the beauty of something so insignificant like dust motes,  making you really think about them and their short lived lives.

maybe i am being rather wordy, but i wanted to describe the image in detail. for all those who have never lain on their backs in a stream of light, watching the motes twinkling above their heads, my poem tells them what it is like. i know the word miniscule is being implied, but i am reinforcing it, emphasising the fact that they are tiny. i am using the word mote as a noun, rather then an adjective.

i'm sorry that the phrase "dazzling my retinas" made you cringe, i myself do not think it is the best i could have used, but i don't know what to use in its stead, so it will remain for at least a while, until i have something to replace it with.

as for using the word glitterously, i quite obviously know it is not a word. but i wasn't aware that making up words is something that only a priviledged few are allowed to do. i think it gets my point across effectively, and so unless you can give me a real word which as accurately describes the image i'm presenting, it, too, will remain.

you wrote "I think it'd like it better if the shadowy fingers blocked out the light". i don't understand why you wrote that, because that is exactly what i have written. i am not talking about a hand making shadows, or fingers creating shadows, i'm talking about fingers of shadow, i.e. streaks of shade, gaps in the stream of light. so i don't think i understand your last paragraph of your comment.

unknown, what is nothing? define that, and i will tell you whether i am saying it or not.
 — inutile

How can you say I missed the point of your poem, when I said nothing about the point, topic, or message of your poem? True, I said there was little actually said, but I was criticizing your verbiage and wording, not what it was you said.

How am I to know that you "quite obviously" know whether glitterously is a word or not? You have not proven your mastery of the English language yet to me (I am not saying you have no master or detracting, but there is no "quite obviously" about it). Regardless... poetic license is not free reign. Poetic license allows us to create new ways of saying things for which there was no word before. There are several words which mean "glitterously". Have you ever seen The Boondock Saints? Studying the crime scene an officer asks (trying to look smart) "So what do you think the symbology of that is?" and Willem Dafoe says "Symbolism. It's symbolism." It is a matter of picking the right word when the right word exists and creating new words or metaphors when the right word does not exist.

As for the shadowy fingers, it was the "reach for" that i had a problem with. You're right, I didn't get that they were just shadows and not actual fingers creating the shadows. Perhaps a better phrasing would be "fingery shadows" or "fingers of shadow" in which shadow is the noun and not the adjective?
 — Ananke

sorry. my previous comment wasn't really necessary. i take it all back.
 — inutile

like the intensity on the micro-world and the God-like L14/15 (in fact especially L14/15 for the activity and simple power)

L1 'the' dangles

L7 I think you can delete the distracting 'glitterously' because L8 is so good in its energy

cheers

P.
 — unknown

thanks p.

edited as i saw fit, removed glitterously, and also vibrance, which was also not an existing word.

so damn hard to comply with my metre, but i think i did it correctly. if not, please let me know. the syllable count is/should be 6, 5, 6, 5, etc.
 — inutile

Good poem, but there are a few things I'd like to point out. The beginning didn't cetch my attention at all; the line "bright sunlight filters..." is so tired. Maybe find a replacement. Also, I feel like you use the word 'dust' too much. It'd be best to find a replacement for line 8.
 — mixtapeboy

yes, i don't like line one any more, either. but i needed/wanted another syllable in it, and so i inserted "bright". if you have any ideas on how to make this line better, please help me with it.

i don't think that using dust twice in a poem about dust is too much. but i just put part in now, and hadn't thought about it for very long. i like the idea of camparing dust motes to moon dust. what do you suggest i do?
 — inutile

Good idea but i definately think you havn't raised it up enough.This has great potential that might be realised in re writing.
 — larrylark

the moon dust idea is cool.  this does have a great recollection factor but i would love it to be expanded more and a little warmer unless dust motes are sad. but interesting.
 — stint

matter can niether be created or destroyed so to say their journey is breif is false, they go on for eternity. for your absent minded neglect for science, i rate you a one, which you say you take as a compliment.
 — TheO1dCrow

you seemed upset that i didnt comment on your poetry, thats all
 — TheO1dCrow

sighs. crow is clearly dyslexic
 — unknown

and how come we cant taste those dust particles? ive been wondering that for years now. i mean, we literally inhale them so shouldnt we taste them? and what is a mica chip?
 — TheO1dCrow

maybe they taste similar to your saliva. or maybe you're just too insensitive to taste them? after all, taste is a sense..

a mica chip, aka concrete fairy, are the sparkles in concrete that blind you when you walk down concrete stairs. if you're on crutches, it can be especially hazardous.

and yes, i do hate science, and i resent you for making me even write the word, but a journey can be many things. in this instance, i am talking about their brief journey of floating in the air. after that, they are on their own. i'm not going to stalk them and se what they do once they hit the ground.
 — inutile

I'm having difficulty envisioning a dust mote "hovering anxiously"

"out of sight, out of mind" is a bit worn...
 — Locanther

i still use the phrase, jackass, give the girl a break!

the old crow's disciple
 — unknown

i think i'd prefer this if -- for example, purely -- the motes were shaggin the mites
 — unknown

locanther, if you cannot imagine a dust mite hovering anxiuosly, i pity you.
also, i know the phrase is cliche, but i think it suits what i am trying to say. things get worn because they are used so much, and they are used so much because they are good. if you have a problem with that, give me a suggestion to consider switching it to.

"the old crow's disciple" thanks, i think

other unknown, get yer mind outta the gutter, would you?
 — inutile

other unknown, get yer mind outta the gutter, would you?***

what eh ell for?
 — unknown

you know what for, unknown. you'll catch a cold.
 — inutile

" I agree with Ananke, this says nothing!
– unknown "

ok, unknown. for you, i will explain and interpret my poem. and also i am bored and need a distraction.

the way i see it, in my poem, the dust motes represent ideas and/or actions. they are tiny and fleeting, and can be viewed in many different ways, and when first thought or acted out, they are thought to be brilliant, hence the emphasis on their "sparkle".

the second stanza relates to this theme, in that the ideas/actions are only good when seen in a certain light. in one viewpoint, they can mean the whole world, whereas to another person, it is almost nothing. think of a glance your crush gives you, you expand it until it can mean he likes you, while a friend could see it as just a glance, nothing to get worked up about.

but when these brillant ideas/actions are really thought about, and are sized down to their original form, without and exxageration or hope whatsoever, you are, again, left with something tiny, hence the motes.

my whole poem is a metaphor describing how short-lived and exaggerated these things are, and how insignificant in the long run, but, in the moment, they are breath taking.

so, now, can you see how my poem is not about nothing? i resented explaining this, but i fear i had to, so as to give my poem the proper understanding it needs.

and i apologise once again for flaring up at ananke, my medication was making me manic and hyper.
 — inutile

this seems to have been written in the same mood as "lights weight".  
 — jerotich

Nice imagery. One question, is the same person "hiding them" while breathing them in and out? If so, it doesn't seem to fit the poem. Someone who would "sustain their brief journey" wouldn't place them "out of mind". That person would be fascinated by their brief, simple beauty!
 — wamblicante

Imagery in the first stanza is very pretty!
 — wamblicante

jerotich, i guess i just like this style of writing. "light's weight", which is now called "the way clouds move" was written months ago, while this was written only a few days before i posted.

wamblicante, i'll repeat myself:  "i am not talking about a hand making shadows, or fingers creating shadows, i'm talking about fingers of shadow, i.e. streaks of shade, gaps in the stream of light." these shadows could be caused by anything you want them to be, but i wrote this poem with the idea of tree branches blocking out the sun's rays.

thank you both for your comments.
 — inutile

Sorry, I apparently missed that! Love the poem though!
 — wamblicante

thank you. it is one of my favourite ones of mine, too.
 — inutile

Ah, a pretty sweet poem.
I had not seen this before.

You will be amused:
h ttp://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/thebeatles700.shtml

You can be instructed!  Isn't it fascinating? YES!
http://www.worsleyschool.net/science/files/brownian/motio n.html

I like your poem but, alas!  Poor poetess, it's premise but a fallacy,
a bubble, your friendly reality-checker just popped.

I give you a good score anyway because the poem, in the abscence of
scientific overview, is a delight.  

Hey, no fair, right?  Science and poetry are not good dance partners
*well, sure as Shinola, not this time*

hugs,
reid
 — netskyIam

bright sunlight filters through
(unneeded modifier)

miniscule dust motes
(redundant modifier)
2
hovering anxiously
(personification, well OK)
3
in the air, sparkling
4
like mica chips; dazzling
(good)
5
my retinas, they
(better line breaks may improve this sweet poem)
6
exist as shimmering,
7
glittery moon dust.
(innocent and feminine viewpoints charm us)
8


shadowy fingers reach
9
for them, hiding them
(how? whose/what fingers? hiding how?)
10
as if once out of sight
11
they are also out
12
of mind; i turn away,
13
breathe the motes in and
14
out again, providing
15
the momentum that
(yes, you provide movement to the mass of vehicle-air)
16
sustains their brief journey.
(they never settle, not the finer particles)


sunlight filters through miniscule dust motes
(note how a longer line relaxes and flows the thoughts here? This is a relaxing poem.  Let's look at it "unchoppy" as possible? I'll alter some wordings a bit.  This is merely to show you other ways.  It is not "instruction" for you to copy unless you like any of it. You must keep your style, but make your style as pleasing to -most- as you can)


Sunlight refracting through miniscule dust motes (I'll retain your redundant "miniscule=dust motes" for the good sound, but it's "wrong", see?

Sunlight refracting miniscule dust motes.
hovering, sparkling, flecks like mica dazzling
eyes, their shimmering like moon dusts
shadowy forces reach for, hide them
as if once put out of sight they are also
out of mind.  Iturn away,
breathe motes in and out again,
adding to their own, inherent
Brownian momentum which
magically sustains forever
life, seeming so, for motes
float on for ages hence.

Henry the VIIth so w-w-w-afted...ah ah ah.. dusts.

aaAHCHOO

Perhaps I just sneezed
on his mortal musts?

---
(musty dusts)

grinskies for a poet I admire,

reid
 — netskyIam

thanks for the comments.

they are quite confusing because i am not capable of thinking right now. i like your suggestions, but they alter my poem far too much, and i like my line breaks, since they aren't random, but quite disciplined into a 5,6,5,6 etc syllabic rhythm, and i like that.

you're a darling, reid, but quite difficult to understand at times.
 — inutile

dreamlike and etherial - great one this.
 — dia

Nice boobs, Babe.
 — unknown

inutile, you are on the top rated. congrats.
 — Esoteric

i just rated this and it went off the top rated. how annoying and strange.
 — unknown

dia, thanks for your comment and favourites add.

unknown, thanks for the inappropriate and untruthful comment.

esoteric, thanks for mentioning that, i wouldn't have even known about it otherwise.

unknown, are you being serious, or did you rate this low and are mocking me for a comment i posted previously on another poem?
 — inutile

i gave you a 10. and it went off. but now i'm sorely tempted to actually mock you. but i won't. fo now.
 — unknown

curious. both you, and the rating system. i rated another poem 10, and it bumped down form 1st to third.

shall i look forward to being mocked on a future occasion, then?
 — inutile

you shall be mocked on a future occasion. but it will be when you aelst suspect it. and it will eata way at you.





or maybe not.
 — unknown

it's already eating away at me. who are you?
 — inutile

i am in your head.
 — unknown

oh. do you like it there?
 — inutile

you know i won't be able to sleep tonight. you should tell me who you are.
 — inutile

you've ratted me out. you better sleep tongiht now.
 — unknown

i'm half asleep already, kind sir.
 — inutile

dust booties.

dust boats.

the spring collection.

choo choo.
 — bologna

um. thanks?
 — inutile

nice words.
some thoughts-

the premise of the event is somewhat confusing; bright light filtering through dust motes. it would be good to say that dust motes float in a ray of light, yes? but light filters through them, is a little too obscure as i would imagine, even if light manages to filter through a dust mote, it will not be possible for the eye to notice this.
the construction of the first three lines leaves me with the idea that the light is what is hovering in the air, sparkling like mica chips.
the word exist is too erm... harsh for this piece. i think this piece a very still and quiet-sort of like slow motion perhaps? and harsh just screams out in the middle of the imagery.
shadowy fingers is something that i don't understand at all. shadowed fingers, maybe. and if your fingers are reaching for them, then how are they hiding? where are they hiding?
the breathing in of the motes doesn't finish this poem well. i think, if you will keep this as is, then you might want to consider finishing at 'i turn away'.


i hope this is of some value/help. thanks.
 — varun

one other thing was
'bright sunlight' is over-used. no?

i think it might be best to be sparse with this one. very sparse... just like the dust motes floating through rays of light...
 — varun

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