poetry critical

online poetry workshop

I Don't Look Dirty in Red

I heard through the drunken-grape vine
that you’re somewhere in the Carolinas
with your fourth wife, running a Public Storage,
though it's hard to imagine you running
anything but away.
I still have the papers, lovely County of Orange
seal formalizing the legal gun put to my head.
I listen to talk shows that tell me
I could have shot you in the financial ass.
Lucky for you, I only aimed at your clay feet.
I remember the day I met your new wife;
you introduced her as your boss
but I told you later she’d be
the one who’d snatch you up
when I kicked you to the curb.
I know your type –
brazen and low cut, bar-whore-red lipstick
left on the rims of things.
You liked her trashy talk;
I know you were listening when she
called me at my job to say
"I'm his future, you're his past.  I'll kick
your ass if you call him again."
(I bet you didn't tell her I was
returning your call.)
I tried to toughen my act for you
but my red lips made you snicker
instead of going weak in the knees.
I live in pink and white.
It suits me in a way scarlet never will.

11 Jan 06

Rated 8.9 (7.8) by 13 users.
Active (13): 5, 5, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (10): 1, 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(160 more poems by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


I can't decide whether or not I like the addition and the change of title better or not.

Either way it's a solid poem.

I like line 19.
 — GalvanicGirl

Thanks.  I'm still changing things.  All but the man, he stays gone!
 — Isabelle5

Loser.  (Not you.  THEM).  Awesome poem with some nice hues of color thrown into the mix.  He did you a favor.
 — starr

*All* men should just stay gone. Until we want one. Then we get to choose.
 — monkeysaw

Thank you!  I'm still wondering how long #4 put up with his crap!  
 — Isabelle5

i love love love it! great job :)
 — onlyXyours

Lead us not into temptation oh thoust lady in red,
For in time flames will temper and our passions shall dwindle for thy bed.

White and pink, a subtly refined chase,
far less likely to induce our caper and much better suited to a life long embrace.

Oh lady though I do like your Red Thong
I offer you this poem from times long gone:

A White Rose

The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
O, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.
But I send you a cream-white rosebud
With a flush on its petal tips;
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips.

J B O'Reilly (1844-1890)

He He :o)

Perhaps L16-18 should be in italics?
 — hobby

Hobby, if I could do italics, it would show up in much of my poems!  I love your bit about love with a hint of lust to offset the cloying sweetness.

I wrote a poem about that very thing once.  "So you and I might soon be saying Love but hiding deep is Lust, in black satin gloves."
 — Isabelle5

Nice line - I'll have to look up the full piece.

Before the desired text insert the following:
the less than sign “”
After the desired text insert the following:
The less than sign “”

In other words the character sequence shown above in quotes (but without the quotes) - Hope this makes sense!
 — hobby

Hmm… that’s not quite how I typed it – try again:

Before the desired text insert: the less than sign, then the letter i, then the greater than sign
After the desired text insert: the less than sign, the letter i, then a back slash, then the greater than sign.
 — hobby

Which is why I am not going to bother with it.  I think special symbols mess things up here.  By the way, my poem about Satin gloves isn't posted.  It's very old, from 1980ish.  
 — Isabelle5

Wow. this has a definate voice and stands out to me as one of the most original poems I have read in a while. love the title
 — scarlet_muse

Very very VERY nice.  

You didn't disappoint.

 — themolly

mindblowing! thank you
 — astock

i love this
 — tragicbubble

I would like a comma after "though" Something to indicate that there is a pause and some thoughtfulness. If this isn't what you want then dont worry. I like tone of the poem and the ending. No one should have to change to stay with someone, its a life long commitment to get married, make sure its with someone that likes you for who you are going to be when you take off your makeup and social graces.
 — katt

On line 2, I'd remove the apostrophe from Carolina's.

Line 5's separation from the rest of the stanza is excellent. You could even take it a bit further and separate line 5 entirely (with an extra line break between four and five)

As a side note, 29 and 30 are excellent in sentiment, but I think you might be able to tighten up the word choice a bit.

Overall, quite enjoyable and well-presented.
 — phyridean

when I kicked you to the curb.

I believe this line is the property of Amy Winehouse.
 — unknown

Who is Amy Winehouse?  Took the ' out of Carolinas.  Good catch!
 — Isabelle5

nice poem.
 — hank

excellent. L24 and L25 jumped out at me.
 — unknown

Ooh, nice.  I love it when lines jump out at readers!
 — Isabelle5

L19-25 was painful to read (in a good way).  Very effective.
 — jerotich

You don't look dirty in red. You look beautiful in red ( in my imagination)
 — unknown

Dream on!  Men don't imagine me actually wearing the red, apparently, but with it lying on the bed next to me...
 — Isabelle5

I did change the last two lines (thank you, commenter!) and I think it does make it tighter.  
 — Isabelle5

Pfft property. How offensive. As if she couldn't think up the phrase "kicked you to the curb" on her own. Shame on you. Meanwhile, brilliant poem. Literally kickass.
 — Sacrilicious

ouch.  shot you in the financial ass.  nice.  stanza 2 especially.  i'm glad i don't get those kind of calls at work.  there are better men out there, keep breathing... nice poem.
 — innominate

Line 10 - brilliant.

Ending - apt.

A lot of vitriol in this yet your acute observations and execution omit yourself from self pity.

Different and expressively feminine in tone and how to do a wrath write.
 — Caducus

Wow.  I like how your vibe is kicked off right from the start - it is rare an author can pull a reader in simply on the atmosphere of a poem, but you did it.
"I could have shot you in the financial ass" - perfection
"bar-whore-red-lipstick/ left on the rims of things" - a bit of an angry(good) touch but still a beautiful line.
Love the ending.
 — WordsAndMe

beautiful poem! change nothing.  it reminds me of some of the Indigo Girls songs.  thanks!
 — OwlGirl

I like this - its tough, uncompromising and smacks of truth

 — unknown

nothing to say - this says it all 100% perfection brilliant
 — unknown

Lines 9-10 - inspired. Let's hear for pink and white - 2 very under rated colours - I love the voice in this,
 — opal

should read 'Let's hear it for pink and white'
 — opal

I like the title.  It's a tease, just a perfect title.
 — unknown

I like this a lot an honest slice of life poem without oversentimentality. It actually has places and things and characters in it not just feelings, refreshing to say the least. By the way love the honesty and vulnerability of lines 26-28
 — Tentative

nice balance between narrative and poetry. i'm tired so i really can't offer much in the way of helpful critique, but I must say I like this. very much so.
 — SteelAngel

I didn't apprecaite this poem the first time I read it.  I am still 'learning to like' the different forms of poetry that are out there.

I read it again and appreciated it much more the second time through.  I write lyrics myself and am somewhat stuck in a 'lymeric' rut so I'm glad I gave myself a second chance with your poem.

I've written things like this that in my mind I call 'dramatic writing' rather than a poem.  As I haven't received any formal poetic education I don't know what criteria makes the different forms but just go by what seems to move me.

This moved me the second time through.  :)  Wow was that a long way to say I liked your poem?!
 — Badness

hurt yet still tough, nice.
 — SenorSin

One more point (a "9" from an "8") for perseverance.  #5...???  #5????  Ca lling #5...
 — starr

Very nice . Thank you .
 — unknown

I feel very sorry for the narrator of this poem.
 — wanderlusted

If this were any more interesting, I might be interested. I guess this is like most married/dating females sense of humor...it can only truely be appreciated by their own kind. 5/10
 — Henry

Newest (expand)
Recently Commented (expand)
Recent Best (expand)