poetry critical

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humming in the air
britta

a pavement song, "starlings of the slipstream"
 1
(in my head on the white-noised airplane)
 2
 
 
new sweaters packed for an enhanced wardrobe
 3
(the scratchiness of ancient cable-knit wool)
 4
 
 
a black-and-white photo of a colorblind boy
 5
(the other spiced magpie hacker, three days more)
 6
 
 
reorganizing files on this trope of a powerbook
 7
(aliases that brighten the corners of wasted time)
 8
 
 
i compose everything in nine-point monaco
 9
(the lit major who writes in a code editor)
 10

6 Jan 06

Rated 8.6 (7.9) by 7 users.
Active (7): 1, 4, 5, 7, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (9): 4, 7, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(5 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

line 9 - 10, I bet you don't.  Fantastic poem, I admire your flexible use of language.
 — Meep

Okay. Let's see something truly worthwhile make the best lists for a change. (10)
 — unknown

the white-noised airplane is a genius idea! each line is equally as well constructed. well done!

Erin
 — unknown

meep: haha, what do you mean? lines 9-10 are true.
 — unknown

What do you think I meant?
 — Meep

that i (or the poem's speaker) don't write things in nine-point monaco in a code editor.
 — britta

oh wait, i blew my anonymity. hah. oh well.
 — britta

You have never composed on paper?
 — Meep

oh, i have in the past. i don't mean "everything" as in "everything ever"...i mean "most of my writing, including nearly everything i write for pleasure".
 — britta

i like your poem
 — bettalpha

Hmmm...
I see the ambitious thing you're trying to do here, but it comes off as too academic.  You're losing the majority of your audience here.
Can you dumb it down at all?  Otherwise, make it longer so that we can follow what you're going for.  
With only FIVE chances to "get you", I'm not sure that we WILL get you.
 — aforbing

Ah, this is beautiful, but it is out of my reach. I agree with aforbing. I know it's a scandal to dumb down your exquisite poem, but some of it I can only admire from
below. Your language choices are breathtaking.
 — borntodance

love the pavement references. beautifully executed.
 — Mazzo

startling clarity of this piece is quite an achievement,
I wouldn't change a word (I assume you haven't?)
 — unknown

very good! something worthy of the "Best" list.
 — unknown

more beatitudes than begats from britta
 — onklcrispy

Interesting poem, as it seems you are trying to emulate SM.
Interesting because of this, and nothing more.
I did like the structure however, and it had an even though
unusual flow,
which again, emulates SM.
 — Vinny

In regards to fellow tetto.org poet aforbing,
who will most likely never read this,
I completely disagree with you.
You do not "dumb-down" poetry so that others
WILL get you. Why? Because with FIVE chances
of finding someone who really reads poetry, chances
are that that person WILL not read poetry.
And if someone is reading poetry so that it could
easily be understood, maybe that person should
try reading a different type of literature
. . . say, direction manuals for screwing in a light-bulb.
Otherwise, good literature will not be gotten
as far as aforbing seems to think;
furthermore, the critique seems more or less like a highschool teacher's
critique of one of his/her student's second attempt at a poem.
-- But no disrespect to highschool lit. teachers, mallarme was one.

Whatever you do, do not dumb down your poetry.
Why is britta's poem on the Top Rated list?
--if you don't know the answer than maybe you SHOULD be reading
directions for screwing in lightbulbs.
 — Vinny

i fell like this goes nowhere for me. it takes me nowhere. the style is very interesting, great title, there are parts where i could possibly see you going for deeper meaning, but they are not evident to me. overall i think i really like this, but there are too many aspects that take me away, like you are talking about all these wonderful antique objects like sweaters and black and white photos, and then you start talking about your laptop. good writing, overall content doesn't work for me.
 — topop

its too complicated for such a short little poem.
 — unknown

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