poetry critical

online poetry workshop


For one who was once my dearest friend and so much more.
                        I want...
I will put my life up on a coat-hanger
in a display case within a city deserted and abandoned,
where not a single soul lingers nor lives,
but her.
She will take my book off its shelf, brush the dust off of its cover, and open it to the first page.
With a flick of the finger and a slight movement of the hand the story unfolds like a satin blanket around her
to comfort her,
to soothe her past and remedy her memories, and
to wipe away all that was lain before me, as I am her protection,
                 and she is mine.
With her in my arms
and her lips as my pen,
this story of mine becomes a reality; the book grows,
the story continues to unfold.
With a slight movement of the wrist
our history is our legacy,
and our dreams a reality.
Only in a fairy tale, many say,
but I do believe in fairies,
                        I do.
As she puts my book back onto the shelf,
she is left with a sense of comfort that only I could relate to,
because I want her to.
She will walk away from this fairy tale left with an emptiness in her heart
that only I could fill,
                because I want her to.
As she leaves my perceptual reality and ventures out
into the open rain, she will put on my coat,
taking me with her wherever she may roam in this free world,
                because I want her to.

Thanks to Rhein for giving extensive help and revision advice.

2 Jan 06

Rated 8.4 (7.9) by 12 users.
Active (12): 2, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (14): 1, 1, 1, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(14 users consider this poem a favorite)

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I love it.
 — Meep

lines 15-16 are really nice.
i liked the repetition on "because i want her to"... but i feel as though the last repetition of it on line 30 kinda took away from the impact... perhaps end the poem on line 29? (that line is nice because it kind of sums everything up, no?)
hm, this was just my impression of it. nice read.
 — gears

interesting imagery
 — ProzacNation

who are these "great" poets?
 — unknown

gears: I'm keeping it there because I like the way it sounds...but thanks for the advice.

unknown: Great poets being Frost, Whitman, Blair, Dickinson, etc.

Prozac and Meep: Thank you.
 — teo_omega11

I love this. Its so different. Great perspective
 — madderhatter

wow i love it! well done
 — documentlove

Thanks guys, at least I know I'm headed in the right direction.
 — teo_omega11

I heart the poem with a passion.
 — unknown

Thank you, unknown, whoever you are.
 — teo_omega11

Wow, I love the metaphors in lines 4-8.
 — lonelygirl

Your footer is a wee bit of a downer. Kind of like the poetry police.
 — unknown

this poem rocks....what/who inspired this?    Lines 11-13 are really nice. overall good job its awesome
 — unknown

This was inspired by a girl who WAS my girlfriend at the time. Now she's just a friend.

There are some who bring out my creative side occasionally; she was my muse.

Thank you for all the comments, lonelygirl and unknowns.

 — teo_omega11

i..heart..it..!GO FRIEND! see ya tomorrow dude....
 — Britt142010

Insanely awesomatic I'm not gonna lie you to its the best poem I've read....I mean honestly I've read it about 10 times now. just sayin how cool it is and all
 — not-the-same

Thanks, Britters. ^__^
 — teo_omega11

And not-the-same: That means a lot.

Thanks for all the comments, everyone.
 — teo_omega11

Let the first real commentary begin. You capitalised every line, that's a no-no. :P

Line 11 should not end the statement, it should have a comma. Line 15: "the book gets larger" should be "the book grows", it sounds smoother. Also that line should end with a semicolon not a comma. Line 17: Her lips are my pen? Line 29 needs revision, too much "and" going on there. Try "As she leaves my fiction, venturing out into the open rain, she will put on my coat, taking me with her..."

Generally you might want to make sure all of your commas are necessary (some are not) and it seems very cluttered. Let it breathe.
 — unknown

Thank you, unknown, changes have been implemented.
 — teo_omega11

Hey, this is really good dude. I'm also too lazy to write anywhing else on this comment, so, kudos.
 — RATM007

Thanks, Bowman.

Kudos for actually making an account and reading.

 — teo_omega11

Hmm. "Because I want her to." This is where you got that from? Nice...yes, this is nice.
 — Ariel

Thanks, Ariel. ^__^
 — teo_omega11

you are a very good poet. and i don't say that (very) often.
 — inutile

awe, i like it :)
 — onlyXyours

Thanks Only. ^__^

inutile: I appreciate you even reading my work. Thank you for the comment.

I'm afraid that interest in this poem has nearly died, though...

 — teo_omega11

Man I love this poem, from the first time I read it.  It's very....heart felt.  
 — fallinforyou

Thanks, fallinforyou. I look forward to reading anything you post on PC.
 — teo_omega11

yes i like this too

very much so

sort of beautifully sinister

with her lips as my pen,  16
this story of mine becomes a reality; the book grows, **** might bag the phallic on this one ?

you know -- paradoxically

 — unknown

ahh yes.
   i think         i love this.
   i think         i will read this often.
   i think         i will remember this for some time.
   i think         ill thank you for writting with such an interesting perspective.

Thank you.  — Brando_O

Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate the nod in the right direction. I hope I can write something that'll top this.

 — teo_omega11

wow this is deep. i love it.
 — unknown

You made the top rated!  Congrats, I knew you could.
 — unknown

Beautiful, i wasnt sure about it at the start but then line 12 hit me "remedy her memory" <-- thats perfect. and 21 23 great (so do I dreamers must). nine ill give it cos the start makes me feel a bit funny / not safe like the rest of the poem.
 — philoanon

This is beautiful. I am lost for words. Please don't ever lose the raw essence of "soul" that is so captivating.
 — marionette

To the unknowns, thank you.

philoanon: The beginning...hmm, I don't really know how to revise it to make it better, so I'll just leave it.

marionette: Thank you very much for the comment, I will try to keep all my writing filled with the same 'essence' that this one captures.

Thank you everyone for getting me to the Top Rated. I appreciate the interest in my work.

 — teo_omega11

L7 don't need the comma
L9 should it be "open it"?
L14 & 33 don't use capital
L16 delete "with"
L18 should "continuing" be "continues"?
L21 comma after "tale"
L26 & 29 don't start with capital
 — inutile

You'll find all the changes implemented appropriately, if not exactly as you specified, inutile.

At least someone's reading it again.

 — teo_omega11

I like the revision.  It makes a great poem even better.
 — fallinforyou

if you have "and" on L16, remove the comma on the previous line.

i thought you might like some attention :)
 — inutile

The attention is indeed appreciated. I had considered stopping posting my poetry, thanks to a group of people who decided to rate everything I've published as a 1.

I'll remove the comma, thanks for the help.

 — teo_omega11

honestly, look at your ratings. on this poem alone, you have many good ratings, and only two 1s. that's something you ought to be proud of. my poems don't have many ratings at all, let alone many good ones.
 — inutile

Of course, your poems don't have ratings because people don't want to assign you a number.

It's a rare occurrence when I don't rate a poem, and the ones I don't rate are above numbers.

The point is, I hate immaturity, and a good part of the PC community seems to demonstrate it. However, I persevere.

 — teo_omega11

L21- Did it used to be 'some people say'?  I think I might like it better that way.  Just a suggestion.
 — fallinforyou


you meant 'mein' no?
 — unknown

fallinforyou: It's always been like it was, but I changed it to 'many say'. I like that better, how about you?

unknown: Are you referring to L14?

Thanks all for the comments.

 — teo_omega11

 — unknown

Yeah, I do like it better that way.
 — fallinforyou

You have 8.9(8.4) by 16 users and still Isabelle5 does comment.  Doesn't that make you mad?
 — unknown

Like a cup of tea when you need cocaine in your veins.
 — unknown

Okay, this is, like, my opinion, man.

Good job! (overall)

Line 2-4? Do you think they are needed?

I like the rhyme scheme; it's nice to know that people can focus on flow and rhyming within opposed to end of the line boring crap.

Only in a fairy tale, many say,  21
but I do believe in fairies,  22
            ;          &nbs p;  I do.

That's overdone.

Otherwise, it has just a few cliches floating around in it, but  very solid, crisp, flowing work.


 — unknown

fallinforyou: Thanks. ^__^

It is a disappointment that Isabelle5 hasn't bothered to comment, but I can deal with it. She'll comment when she's damn good and ready.

ramher: A love poem isn't a love poem without clichés. And you'll notice the beginning has been changed some. Better? Thanks for the crit.

 — teo_omega11

I don't know if I like the changed beginning or not; it doesn't take away from it at all, so I suppose it's not a bad thing.
 — fallinforyou

I like the idea of this poem but I thought it could have been executed much softely. I thought it was wordy. I love the poem, each line could be reduced to just the important phrases. extra words: the, is, but... things like that make it sound like a prose not a poem.
 — manishas

full of cheese. perfect for the emo embryos.
 — unknown

very lovely i liiked the feel and sound of it
 — Tyler

it s like a sunday morning. suffocatingly pleasant to the point of anesthesia.
 — unknown

Only in a fairy tale, many say,  19
but I do believe in fairies,  20
I do.  21

Pure genius! I love it.
 — unknown

so emo. i can see you making love to her then crying.
 — unknown

Just so you know, the guy who wrote this poem is the most non-emo person I know.  He bashes emo just as much as the next emo-hater.  So before you start calling names, get to know him.
 — unknown

To the spiteful unknowns, let me reply:

Emo is a fairly weak term. I'll reiterate, this is supposed to have clichés in it, without them it wouldn't work. If you have any actual advice, be sure to let me know.

Thanks to whoever took up my defense. Let's hope this doesn't turn into a ridiculous flame war.

 — teo_omega11

very touching
I like the image of the story unfolding
lines 28-30 are wonderful as well
I like the refference to peter pan in lines 20-21
the itallic lines as well as some other parts of the poem sound a bit to posessive to me though...
"because I want her to"...but what does she want, really?

nice poem!
 — sparrow

sparrow: It does sound possessive, but if you read the poem, you will notice that the girl is reading the story, and it's inside her mind. This is illustrating two people that are so in love that they share the same brainwaves, persay, so that the will of one becomes the will of both.

A poem of a perfect mutual love that few can ever achieve. Thanks for the comment.

 — teo_omega11

Wow! That was *Amazing*
 — unknown

Thanks, unknown, any ideas for change?

 — teo_omega11

I like the new intro a lot more.
 — unknown

interesting mantra dood

wasn't dis de poheme wid elizabith bishops spread open?

oh. must ave confused wid other

veddy sorry. veddy veddy sorrier

 — unknown


flows like velvet through the spaces in my head that have been waiting for something this sweet to cross them.


 — misspanda

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 — unknown

And the point of saying that was...?
 — unknown

this rocks

thump an dbump it up mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
 — unknown

 — unknown

Hmm, I haven't been on in awhile. Looks like for a bit, people were interested and liked it, so thanks everyone for your kind comments.

 — teo_omega11

I liked it at first.
But it's inconsistent. You're talking about souls, legacies, histories and it's full of romantic notions. Then you've got the repetition of 'because I want her to'. 'and she is mine' is possessive. I don't find any sincerity in it and think you're in love with the idea of something here. That would be fine if on the surface the poem didn't propose the opposite. It reads a little masturbatory. Lines 2, 12, 21, 31 - all in italics. Why? I read this at first as a romantic poem and I might not be completely correct but after a few reads I saw that it was more narcissistic, your wanting her to validate you. That would be fine, if the poem (and, seemingly, the poet) didn't have so much conviction in the idea of the opposite of this.
 — weed

I have read this about a zillion times, and I love it more each time, but I was afraid I didn't understand it.  I've been reading through the comments you've made and I think I finally get it.  You're not possessive at all.  Her heart is filled because you want it to be because what you want is what she wants.  You'll go with her because that's what you want, and in you wanting it..so does she.  Awesome, man, awesome.
 — unknown

dont know what the hype is. it's goo goo gaa gaa teenage wa wa.
 — unknown

If that's what you think about love, then it sucks to be you, man.  Sucks to be you.  Show me a better love poem, and I'll let that vindicate your point.
 — unknown

see the #2 poem it is perfect
 — unknown

Oh, pfft.
 — unknown

Not hardly.
 — unknown

The first unknown put it into words for you, which is something I've been refusing to do. If you're all capable of reading his post and understanding, you will then get the whole idea of this poem.

Other unknowns: Thanks for the kind comments, whoever you may be. The negative ones: please give me ideas if mine suck so much.

This site shits me, I don't really get on anymore. I'm planning on just moving my poetry elsewhere and deleting it here. If I get no good reasons why not to, this will probably be close to the last you hear from me.

 — teo_omega11

Why haven't you packed your bags and left yet? I don't see anyone imploring you to stay. I *dishearted* you from the get go -- an arrogant sissy prig.
 — unknown

How mature. Arrogant, sissy prig...hmm, that's one person's opinion. However, unknown, I have yet to ever be disheartened by some random, unknown commentator. The only reason for one to be unknown is fear of revealing one's identity; don't give yourself so much, if any, credit.

As I was saying, I'm considering deleting all of it. If I plan on doing so, I'll post in the message board first. Thanks for your time, all.

 — teo_omega11

i'm actually hoping that you change your mind and stay. I don't know who you are but i find you to be extremely talented. as far as the poem is concerned it's well written, and i love line 25. From the comments I've read there are a multitude of people who enjoyed it, to lose a talented poet would be a sin.
take care and keep writing
 — xtormentedx

Should L27 be centered/italicized?
 — fallinforyou

Yes it should, and it is now. Thanks for pointing that out, I suppose I just missed it.

 — teo_omega11