poetry critical

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an ashtray wouldn't do
slancho

teasing a cigarette,
 1
feather-waisted smoke
 2
giggles past the computer screen
 3
licking lustfully the lot of
 4
chronic wreckage
 5
left over from past fist fights
 6
with willful poems
 7
 
 
the lamp shade guises a 40W sun
 8
singing copper-bellied ballads
 9
to passing bird flocks,
 10
too impatient in their flight to befriend
 11
an autumn of deflated color
 12
 
 
random evenings, cross-legged on the floor,
 13
creep in like the voice of a woman,
 14
wailing,
 15
light scent of lilac and coffee
 16
renewing an invitation to rummage
 17
under more than her skirt, in abandonment
 18
yellow socks wake to
 19
play hide-and-seek with a single
 20
stuffed mattress of scribbled notes
 21
 
 
to cremate on nights
 22
smoke crouches between eyelashes,
 23
purple and tight like a ribbon
 24
around which one man has weighed the darkness
 25
without her, too long,
 26
 
 
"does anybody care how we love,
 27
darling,
 28
with all this time left
 29
to miss?"
 30

22 Dec 05

Rated 8.6 (8.5) by 10 users.
Active (10): 1, 5, 6, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (5): 6, 7, 9, 10, 10

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(60 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

the beauty of recognition is like soft electricity.
 — graceinmtl

I will drink to that tonight
 — slancho

the beauty of recollection as well
 — slancho

The way this is written, I like.

The way the tongue speaks it, I like.

Never smoked, but I can smell it here, whether that was done intentionally or not. Whether it is intentional that I am supposed to like it

matters not

because I do like it.
 — Opinion

thank you, "Opinion," for allowing yourself to taste this poem
you are right, whether it is intentional or not, it matters not, poetry ought to work that way
thanks
maria
 — slancho

hi maria.
beautiful poem. your imagery is strong as ever.
and autumn of deflated colour. :)

consider using only 'man' instead of 'man's' in line 25.

the closing has a wonderful feeling of being 'lost but safe'.
 — varun

hey, varun, thanks for visiting
I changed line 25, it might work better now but needs to stay in past tense
hope you are well
maria
 — slancho

yes. i think this reads better...
 — varun

absolutely wonderful.

intricate, flowy...

nearly perfect.

great piece! <3
 — unknown

thank you, unknown
maria
 — slancho

so nice Maria!  I want to lie on the floorboards in my checkboard socks with a cup of mulled wine balanced on my stomach and hear you read this!  Happy new year, you deserve many blessings for the coming year you sweet poetess.
Love Katie
 — unknown

thank you, sweet Katie, I wish I could join you
maria
 — slancho

I think power can be lost in wordiness, and you have managed to do that in every poem I've read.

There is a fine line between beauty and drone. I guess it depends on the reader as to which side you would be.

I won't tell you what to change; I wouldn't know where to begin, and... that's making the huge assumption that my opinion even matters to you.

Opinion, Opinion, Opinion... that's all it is.

-ramher
 — unknown

I can see it, feel it, live it, breathe it AND smoke it!!!  Awesome poem, Maria!  The same smoke tickles my computer screen weekly.  I especially like L24 "purple and tight like a ribbon."  Nice simile.  Kinda goes with the "light smell of lilac and coffee."  I also LOVE your "40W sun."  Absolutely excellent poem!  Cheers!  
 — starr

Good images, very colorful, and I love the ending.... however, with all that said, i don't know how much of it goes together... maybe it confused me. I can usually disect these a little better, maybe it's too late for me. I'll have to come back.
 — dmartin

The super bowl is gay
The super bowl is gay
super bowl
Super Bowl
Super bowwllllll......is gay.

You mention both the terms "computer screen" and "poems" in the same verse.
You're quite obviously uninspired.  A poet is entirely, at the moment of composition, internal.
A soul is screaming for a release valve.

You, however, are looking for shit to talk about.  you see your computer screen, you think you're writing a poem.  Stop there.  Do you have fingers?  Toes?  Eyes?  I'm sure they feel left out.  

GOOD LUCK!!!!!
 — yeesher

Fuck....

Maria,  i commented on this poem without realizing you wrote it.  Honestly.  i picked a poem at random and read it and commented on it.  

you need to stop posting anonymously.
 — yeesher

No, it's me.  

I'm going to go check my email.  Monday's are bad.
 — yeesher

Cronyism
 — unknown

no. 7 on recent best.
 — unknown

yeesher, I do not post anonymously, ever, not my style.  I will not engage your comments, I am so sorry, I am simply not disposed these days to rhetoric echanges.  You do not like the poem, it does not hang together well for you, that is fine, I respect.  
will send an e-mail
maria
 — slancho

dmartin, thank you for the comment as well.  Let me know if things were still as confusing on second read, I can try to explain
maria
 — slancho

i like the third stanza, there's a lot going on in it. i'd favorite just for that.
 — listen

thanks again, listen, for reading and for turning my gaze to an older poem of mine.  I am glad you enjoyed the third stanza.  Yes, there is a lot going on there ... and all in slow motion
Thank you again.  I am yours humbly,
Maria
 — slancho

I wish I could rate higher than a "10" in this case.  Tremendously powerful writing, Maria.  Love always, Starr
 — starr

feckin beautiful.
 — OKcomputer

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