poetry critical

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an ashtray wouldn't do

teasing a cigarette,
feather-waisted smoke
giggles past the computer screen
licking lustfully the lot of
chronic wreckage
left over from past fist fights
with willful poems
the lamp shade guises a 40W sun
singing copper-bellied ballads
to passing bird flocks,
too impatient in their flight to befriend
an autumn of deflated color
random evenings, cross-legged on the floor,
creep in like the voice of a woman,
light scent of lilac and coffee
renewing an invitation to rummage
under more than her skirt, in abandonment
yellow socks wake to
play hide-and-seek with a single
stuffed mattress of scribbled notes
to cremate on nights
smoke crouches between eyelashes,
purple and tight like a ribbon
around which one man has weighed the darkness
without her, too long,
"does anybody care how we love,
with all this time left
to miss?"

22 Dec 05

Rated 8.6 (8.5) by 10 users.
Active (10): 1, 5, 6, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (5): 6, 7, 9, 10, 10

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(60 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

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the beauty of recognition is like soft electricity.
 — graceinmtl

I will drink to that tonight
 — slancho

the beauty of recollection as well
 — slancho

The way this is written, I like.

The way the tongue speaks it, I like.

Never smoked, but I can smell it here, whether that was done intentionally or not. Whether it is intentional that I am supposed to like it

matters not

because I do like it.
 — Opinion

thank you, "Opinion," for allowing yourself to taste this poem
you are right, whether it is intentional or not, it matters not, poetry ought to work that way
 — slancho

hi maria.
beautiful poem. your imagery is strong as ever.
and autumn of deflated colour. :)

consider using only 'man' instead of 'man's' in line 25.

the closing has a wonderful feeling of being 'lost but safe'.
 — varun

hey, varun, thanks for visiting
I changed line 25, it might work better now but needs to stay in past tense
hope you are well
 — slancho

yes. i think this reads better...
 — varun

absolutely wonderful.

intricate, flowy...

nearly perfect.

great piece! <3
 — unknown

thank you, unknown
 — slancho

so nice Maria!  I want to lie on the floorboards in my checkboard socks with a cup of mulled wine balanced on my stomach and hear you read this!  Happy new year, you deserve many blessings for the coming year you sweet poetess.
Love Katie
 — unknown

thank you, sweet Katie, I wish I could join you
 — slancho

I think power can be lost in wordiness, and you have managed to do that in every poem I've read.

There is a fine line between beauty and drone. I guess it depends on the reader as to which side you would be.

I won't tell you what to change; I wouldn't know where to begin, and... that's making the huge assumption that my opinion even matters to you.

Opinion, Opinion, Opinion... that's all it is.

 — unknown

I can see it, feel it, live it, breathe it AND smoke it!!!  Awesome poem, Maria!  The same smoke tickles my computer screen weekly.  I especially like L24 "purple and tight like a ribbon."  Nice simile.  Kinda goes with the "light smell of lilac and coffee."  I also LOVE your "40W sun."  Absolutely excellent poem!  Cheers!  
 — starr

Good images, very colorful, and I love the ending.... however, with all that said, i don't know how much of it goes together... maybe it confused me. I can usually disect these a little better, maybe it's too late for me. I'll have to come back.
 — dmartin

The super bowl is gay
The super bowl is gay
super bowl
Super Bowl
Super bowwllllll......is gay.

You mention both the terms "computer screen" and "poems" in the same verse.
You're quite obviously uninspired.  A poet is entirely, at the moment of composition, internal.
A soul is screaming for a release valve.

You, however, are looking for shit to talk about.  you see your computer screen, you think you're writing a poem.  Stop there.  Do you have fingers?  Toes?  Eyes?  I'm sure they feel left out.  

 — yeesher


Maria,  i commented on this poem without realizing you wrote it.  Honestly.  i picked a poem at random and read it and commented on it.  

you need to stop posting anonymously.
 — yeesher

No, it's me.  

I'm going to go check my email.  Monday's are bad.
 — yeesher

 — unknown

no. 7 on recent best.
 — unknown

yeesher, I do not post anonymously, ever, not my style.  I will not engage your comments, I am so sorry, I am simply not disposed these days to rhetoric echanges.  You do not like the poem, it does not hang together well for you, that is fine, I respect.  
will send an e-mail
 — slancho

dmartin, thank you for the comment as well.  Let me know if things were still as confusing on second read, I can try to explain
 — slancho

i like the third stanza, there's a lot going on in it. i'd favorite just for that.
 — listen

thanks again, listen, for reading and for turning my gaze to an older poem of mine.  I am glad you enjoyed the third stanza.  Yes, there is a lot going on there ... and all in slow motion
Thank you again.  I am yours humbly,
 — slancho

I wish I could rate higher than a "10" in this case.  Tremendously powerful writing, Maria.  Love always, Starr
 — starr

feckin beautiful.
 — OKcomputer

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