poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Speak to me, winter
GalvanicGirl

too worn to move.
 1
too moved to speak.
 2
 
 
and yet, within it all,
 3
the spark of something sweet
 4
 
 
such a lovely summer,
 5
filled with unbearable heat and light.
 6
 
 
how I long for the cold, the dark, and the unknown-
 7
how I long for winter,
 8
and the twilight on them all.
 9
 
 
another spark of sweetness, and I can feel
 10
you, who tastes of cigarettes and sunshine and salty-bitter sea
 11
 
 
I find your eyes aren't ugly at all-
 12
they're shaped like olive leaves,
 13
and they ache.
 14
 
 
speak to me, winter
 15
 
 
          move me.
 16

11 Dec 05

Rated 9 (9.2) by 5 users.
Active (5): 3, 4, 7, 7, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (21): 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(8 more poems by this author)

(10 users consider this poem a favorite)
Brando_O
Dheroan
misspanda
monkeysaw
mourningskye
phyridean
ProzacNation
sparrow
twinkies4yoo
varun



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Comments:

ack.

Fickle
 — unknown

Fickle, no. Room for improvement, of course.
Your conception is excellent. The execution is where it needs some work.

I'd rewrite line 6 so that it doesn't fall predictably into the rhyme, whether that means using slant rhyme, or just neglecting the rhyme for that stanza.

Line 9, I'd use "on" instead of "upon" to make it seem less archaic. (Since the next stanza feels decidedly modern).

I'd also modify line 14 so that we feel the sadness, rather than it being told to us.

Line 15 is excellent. I'm debating whether to suggest removing line 16 or not, so I suppose I'll leave the equivocal statement instead.
 — phyridean

hmm.. this seems a little jumbled up to me..
L15 is nice, especially with L16
i think i would like L16 better if, instead of an elipses before, it would simply be an indent of sorts.
room for improvement, keep reworking it for sure.
 — unknown

beautiful poem
 — varun

Thank you for your suggestions and comments.
 — GalvanicGirl

consider getting rid of '...' in line 4 and placing 'sweet' in the next line.
 — varun

mmmkay.

not sure whether I like it or not. But I know the elipses didn't work, so I'll see if it grows on me.

Danke, Varun

-Galvanic Girl
 — GalvanicGirl

thanks for taking my suggestions.
you could always change it back of course eh?
 — varun

Yeah. I want a contemplative pause there, and the new line thing doesn't really fit what I need, but the elipses are kinda, not right, I guess.

Oy vei.

I shall think on it.
 — GalvanicGirl

I pictured a girl lying wrapped up in white sheets next to someone sleeping. I think she's contemplating him, and their relationship, and while they've been together for some time, she's just beginning to fall in love with him.

It's sweet.
 — monkeysaw

Thank you, Monkey. I love that you've pictured a whole scene to go along with it. I read what you wrote and saw the girl with bare shoulders, leaning on an elbow while watching him. Which is awesome, because that's not anything like what I pictured when I wrote it.
 — GalvanicGirl

good job with the changes to line 16, i like it for sure :)
- gears (who posted the comment to change it haha)
 — unknown

why thank you, gears, you're suggestion was loverly =)
 — GalvanicGirl

Hot damn...
 — phyridean

Hot damn...*increases rating proportionally*
 — phyridean

*ahem* to translate, those last two lines mean:
"the workshop has greatly improved this poem, and I shall increase my formerly stodgy rating of an 8 to a 10 for a beautiful poem"
 — phyridean

oh yum
 — unknown

Lines one and two mix well with three and four in the way they sound.
 — Opinion

i love it
 — documentlove

Thank you.
 — GalvanicGirl

I don't get the ugly in line twelve. It's such an ugly word. Ah well. That's prolly why it's there.

but the rest is heavenly.
 — foereality

I love it.
 — povertea

lines 1 and 2 are a great opening...
line 10, perhaps consider changing the word "sweetness" since you use "sweet" in line 4
line 11 "tastes"
stanza 6 is my favourite part of this, particularly "i find your eyes aren't ugly at all" and "they ache".
 — gears

Thank you, Gears.

I'm not quite sure about the sweetness thing. I like the sameness I guess. but I shall change the taste.
 — GalvanicGirl

I just realized how odd that last comment sounded.

I like it.
 — GalvanicGirl

I find its so curious that someone else (monkeysaw) pictured a scene--that is exactly! what i was think as I read it too!
i absolutely LOVE the series of words and images from L10 until the end--spectacular!  I am moved by images and emotions in L12-L14 (brilliant!)
truly moving ;)
 — caderidris

Thank you,  caderidris, I 'ppiciate it.
 — GalvanicGirl

too much Moby

not enough Kundera
 — unknown

i like the rawness of the poem.
 — unknown

I really like this. The first stanza and the last two lines... sigh. I wish I could do that.
 — cockroachthe

This. deserves a finger shake

but only if it was about me.

was it about me?
 — mmmkay

That depends on who you are.

at least you're not that crow idiot.

I hope.

But I sincerely doubt this was about you.
 — GalvanicGirl

I don't know. I have olive leaf eyes, apparently. I know you.

There's a good chance it's about me.

Why did you think

they were

ugly?
 — mmmkay

...

who is this?


never mind.

I don't want to know. Please leave me alone.
 — GalvanicGirl

mmmkay.

If you insist.

I didn't mean to scare you.
 — mmmkay

your rhythm makes me shiver
this is good!
 — lai

thankee! that's vury kind
 — GalvanicGirl

povertea, this is a parody is it not?
 — unknown

just some ideas i had while reading:

L1 change full stop to comma
L4 why do you use the elipsis? i don't like it, suggest you remove it, unless you deem it necessary, in which case, why?
L6 change full stop to dash
L7 change "and dark" to "the dark"
L10 remove "you", add "can" after "I"
L15 remove full stop
 — inutile

danke inutile (:

your comments are always loverly.
 — GalvanicGirl

In regards to the elipses;

It's a period of pause in which the poeter is reflecting upon the way the poetee makes her (or him) feel. A period of uncertainty in which it could stay static, which is fine but not great, or grow and evolve. It evolved, thus the good connotation of the following word.

Yes?
 — GalvanicGirl

to me, it looks foolish and juvenile.

but they have been misused so much i loathe them.

keep it if it has meaning, which you just proclaimed it does.
 — inutile

would something else fit there and convey the same meaning and not be horribly juvenile?
I shall think on it.
 — GalvanicGirl

your poem is weak. unfortunately its top rated spot is a glaring example of the dangers of herd mentality.

rock on you american idol
 — unknown

Oi!

If you're gonna say stuff like that tell me what I need to work on!

If it makes you happy, it'll ever be on the top rated list again.

So please, back up your accusations and insults, or leave me alone.
 — GalvanicGirl

Hey! Your poems are all gone from the top rated lists! I couldn't find them for a while, and I searched for this one, but you changed the title on me!

I don't like it when my favorite poems are hidden. You should put it back.
 — unknown

i like that you bring me in.
 — yrrockstar

I would, if only I could…
 — winter

I am anonymous. [email protected][email protected][email protected][email protected][email protected][email protected][email protected][email protected]@!
 — unknown

they are anonymous! Yay.

I do so love this poem. I get rythmic shivers.
 — unknown

mmm... i'm in love with the last two lines.
beautiful poem girl!
 — insideout

Heh. I left, spouting some emo nonsense about how Mor was mean to me. (I've realized since that I was just afraid of my feelings for the snarky bastard.) And then I came back and visited one day last month, and saw this poem and just needed to take out those awful elipses that I had become so attached to.

Of course, when I left I gave my password to a friend to change, so I wouldn't be able to get back on.

Took me a month to figure it out.

But I did. So I could delete those damned elipses.

And that's my crappy story.
 — GalvanicGirl

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