poetry critical

online poetry workshop

you could have it all

the bitterness of coffee,
the backbeat of a song about sex,
the voice of my friend
as he sings an outlawed rhyme.
his car is missing a headlight.
the sky gets dark early
and we listen to the ocean --
he agrees that free will does not exist
-- while i wonder how
to tell my nice boyfriend
that i don't need him

4 Dec 05

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


hmm i read this and really want to reararrange it and make more fluid.
i dont understand is the friend also the boyfriend?
for now im going to name the boyfriend johnny :P

the bitterness of coffee,  1
the backbeat of a rythem about sex,  2
the voice of my friend  3
as he sings an outlawed song.  4
Johnny's car is missing a headlight.  5
the sky gets dark early  6
and we listen to the ocean.   7    
He agrees that free will does not exist  8

While i wonder how  9
to tell my nice boyfriend  10
that i don't need him  11

okay, so i didn't change much because the poem initially was pretty damn good. i really liked this, quite a joy to read and critique. me likey!
 — SweetPain

wait L2 makes no sense, change it to rhyme not rythem.
and a period at the end of line 8. sorry!
 — SweetPain

Newest (expand)
  • Why I Nearly Failed Kindergarten
  • Tennis
  • Winter Babe
  • The Treaty
  • love in the time of Oprah
  • transformations
  • resignation
  • Pests
  • home is different every time you come back
  • For Troy
  • Man vs. Brute
  • If I could
  • The Water Boy by Gail Kernius
  • Shelter from the Storm
  • How Pisces Survived Evolution
Recently Commented (expand)
  • Tennis
  • intuition
  • the photographer, 1962
  • clown fall
  • Jet (back to square one and a half)
  • Albino Squirrel
  • in the park with Van Morrison
  • The Water Boy by Gail Kernius
  • Sheol
  • Obscenities Free-falling from the Top of your Lungs
  • i know you still (for slancho)
  • You are like a whip.
  • Blog Poem
  • orgasmatron
  • the Silent Edge.
Recent Best (expand)
  • 1. orgasmatron
  • 2. soul ledger
  • 3. Albino Squirrel
  • 4. economics vs the mind
  • 5. Penny's Dropped
  • 6. it's a matter of taste.
  • 7. a letter to my soul.
  • 8. paper bullets
  • 9. Ode to the Timeless
  • 10. Regular Poet
  • 11. in hindi the word for tomorrow also means yesterday
  • 12. if i keep this up i'll become phonier than bukowski
  • 13. Pit stops
  • 14. Priapic Zoo
  • 15. rescuing the He-worm