poetry critical

online poetry workshop



n + 1
gears

i miss the short words and the
 1
                longsentencesthrowntogether
 2
completed by one another
 3
 
 
and the words seemed so perfect
 4
a little
 5
                            too perfect
 6
 
 
and i would get scared
 7
that everything was false
 8
that everything was because
 9
of an intoxication
 10
 
 
was it all true?
 11
can you repeat it all
 12
                             and still mean it?
 13
 
 
(this could all be wrong:
 14
                 like when you first learn
 15
                 about infinity)
 16
 
 
imisshowwe'dtalkforhoursonendevenwhentherewasnothingtosayexceptfor
 17
                  hug
 18
                                and
 19
                                                  k i s s
 20
                                and
 21
 
 
                                                  i'll never let you go.
 22

1 Dec 05

Rated 8.4 (8) by 18 users.
Active (18): 1, 1, 4, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (9): 4, 4, 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(10 more poems by this author)

(23 users consider this poem a favorite)
Brando_O
cbowserrr
Charlie
coldromantic
DeathShards
derelict_me
emptyepitaph
Equivocality
Ewan
iamswanson
likeavirus
misspanda
mister9a
mixtapeboy
musicwords
onlyXyours
radiofreedom
sgh0011
shakeit
splitends
teo_omega11
varun
WordsAndMe



Add A Comment:
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Comments:

you got some mental formatting... pretty fuckin cool.
i think that makes this more interesting and serious even though you've used simple language
 — varun

thanks for the comment varun : )
 — unknown

L3 get rid of "and"
L2 "sentence"

Interesting format I have to say though.

L8 and 9. you repeat and everything. hm..maybe something else could be put there?

other than that.
I enjoyed this.
lovely

-Gab
 — Gabriella

very nice. Could you consider ending the poem on line 17 immediately after "say"(?) I think that would tighten+ strengthen the ending.
 — graceinmtl

I think the last few lines are essential to the overall feeling of the poem. That being said, I loved it. It captures many of the feelings I am experiancing right now. Lines 4-6 seem a little weak, but I'm not sure why. Good work, though!
 — mixtapeboy

i think this one is very nice.

-ronin-
 — unknown

gab, lines 2 and 3 have been changed; thanks. although i think that it is imperative that i leave lines 8 and 9 the way they appear.
mixtapeboy got it right in reference to the last two lines; they are the essential meaning i was going for, even though it seems to all be speculation (as indicated in the former part of the poem). and i'm glad that i can relate to someone out there...

thanks to all who have commented : )
 — gears

That's it. It's one of my favorites.
 — mixtapeboy

thanks so much mixtapeboy : )
- gears
 — unknown

amazing formatting.

  
 — heartforsale

thank you heartforsale, much appreciated
- gears
 — unknown

nice, words on words with letters in spaces from spaces with a reference to infinity
nice...
 — crepaway

The format was awesome and I love lines 11-16. Line 3 is kinda weak I think.
 — the_recluse

thanks creepaway.. does this mean you are the first to connect the content of the poem to the title itself? hah..
thanks recluse.. do you have any suggestions then?
- gears
 — unknown

i once tols a girl that i loved her n+1 she slapped me and called me a pervert

cp
 — unknown

hahaha how is that perverted?!? lol... n+1=infinity...
- gears
 — unknown

hey! who rated this a 1! show yourself!
 — unknown

yeah seriously thats bs this is really good.
 — unknown

thanks unknown... any more comments?
 — gears

good poem. i love the part about infinity line 16
 — infinity

oooh yeah... again, i'm back. and still loving this man... gears... good job...
and the last 6 lines, are mine! MINE I SAY!
 — varun

hahah oh infinity, i knew you'd love "infinity" :P thanks for the comment : )

hey there again varun... haha you just *wish* they were yours! :P
but thanks so much, that means a lot to me...

(ps. i'm a girl, not a "man" :P hahahaha betcha didnt see that one coming :P)
 — gears

well, in any case, i used 'man' just as an exclamation.. nevermind...
is it okay if i borrow them once in a while? just to read? and miss her? i miss her a lot :) because she once told me the same things...
 — varun

haha i know it was an exclamation, but for some reason people always think im a guy cuz of the name (apparently "gears" is masculin hah)...

what do you mean "borrow them"?? if reading them is what you want to do, then go ahead, that is what the words are there for..

i wrote this when i got in a fight with a friend over the internet... we're very close, and the fight made me upset and this is what i was thinking...

in either case, i'm glad i can related to someone out there...
 — unknown

oops that last comment was posted by me
- gears
 — unknown

yeah, i think that was clear by the parenthesis... no? :)
 — varun

hahaha i don't even know what we're talking about anymore! :P
- gears
 — unknown

thanks ewan.. and mixtapeboy, varun, and onlyXyours;
sincerely,
 — gears

i love the formatting.
i love the message.

i love it. all of it.
 — shakeit

thank you soo much shakeit, you are too kind : )
 — gears

this, this is great poetry. speechless. thank you :)
 — emptyepitaph

thank you e.epitaph : )
- gears
 — unknown

Dull. Avoid love poetry unless you have something to add to a very fine genre.
 — synej

well excuuuuseeee meeeee for trying to add something to the genre then, thank you very much.
- gears
 — unknown

you know, people talk like they know everything about poetry...
man! if you have something constructive to say, then say it, otherwise fuck off with you stupid opinyuns.
-v-
 — unknown

thanks v.. poetry is about *personal* self expression, you dont have to conform into a genre just to make it "good" poetry.. if we did, then heck we would have never gotten out of the medival style poetry era....
i am one for commenting on poems, but when i dont like one, i just leave it be, because other people out there might like it..
poetic integrity is in a downfall, as ive seen many times....
- gears
 — unknown

exactly my point. they say you have to know it all before re-invention.
there's too much of people on this site you don't know about poetry commenting like they do...

-v-
 — unknown

do you have to know it all before re-invention? personally, i dont think so...
a lot of people on here seem to be rating things just for the sake of rating and bashing, rather than constructive criticism or otherwise.. if you have a comment then say it, but you dont have to rate somehting poorly just because you didnt like it... there seems to be a huge issue with this kind of thing as i've seen...
- gears
 — unknown

this is POETRY CRITICAL. fuck off to some prissy show and display site if you don't want critique. SHEESH dumb or what?
 — unknown

oh.... wooooowww...



wow.
 — misspanda

unknown, why dont *you* fuck off? hah!
 — unknown

This is my firrst encounter with this type of writing I like it and realize I have much to learn
 — turtlepoet

to the first unknown.. yeah... you just get right off your high horse..

misspanda, thank you for the lack of words, but the insinuation is much appreciated : )

to the second unknown, thanks! hahaha...

turtlepoet, thank you for you kind words, it makes me feel like less of a shit poet :P
 — gears

i like this alot. but i think ive read this someone where else before. not this in perticular, but alot of phrases from it.
 — unknown

hmm, well i dont know what to tell you, unknown.. this just came out in a stream of consciousness i had.. but i guess the feelings are universal, so maybe thats why you feel like you've read it?
im glad you liked it though, thanks.
- gears
 — unknown

i wrote this when i felt this...
now i feel like this again... it makes me upset when i read over my old, sad poems, and once more feel their presence within my heart...
 — gears

this is a beautiful poem. written beautifully. about something beautiful.
don't be sad. this has hope under the waves of it all...
i'm glad i got a chance to read this again. again. :)
 — unknown

thank you unknown.
this is a sad poem. full of my own regret and isolation. hm : /
i'm glad you liked it, your words mean a lot.
sincerely,
 — gears

This is absolutlely fantastic - I really love it! 10 and fave - great!
 — Rousseau

!!!

I like! Nice formatting, fits the flow of thought excellently! Good job, 10 + fav list.
 — coldromantic

rousseau and coldromantic, all i can say is: thank you : )

sincerely,
 — gears

I just read this again for the hell of it, and I realized how much I love it.
 — mixtapeboy

mixtapeboy, thanks for always coming back. really : )
 — gears

I don't understand how you say everything I feel.

I should correct my tense there: once felt.

I, quite literally, have tears in my eyes. I miss the times when this poem would have represented all I thought about each day.

Thank you.

x
 — musicwords

too sentimental. add in some sex and drugs please.
 — OKcomputer

Left me feeling all fuzzy and warm and wishful that someone would write a poem like this for me some time in the near future.  Good job!
 — starr

I don't know if I like this or not.
 — unknown

I don't know, but for me other than the artistic layout and the adventurous and random way you clumped words together...if you dissected this poem and wrote it without those touches it really doesn't do anything new or different or unique that captivates a reader to sense anything new of different or unique.

Art is poetry, and layout and line breaks and such certainly are all part of it, but there also has to be a real POEM and sense of emotion the reader can grasp through the words too.

I realize you have a lot of other comments commending this poem, but this is my own opinion of it...In the end, it just feel that I wished it actually SAID more than it appeared.

Jo
 — NoWayJo

^ Agreed with the person above me.

-ramher
 — ramenherpes

Wait 'til you learn about "the Broken Heart". Boy, that'll be very fun.
 — unknown

I don't think I like it.
 — unknown

musicwords, your words are touching. thank you. but i have to say, i hope you dont want to feel like this poem.. because its about heartache.. but you could get something different from this, which is interpretational, so its up to you. thanks, again, for coming back.

okcomputer, sorry you dont appreciate my emotions. i prefer to talk about stuff that means something to me rather than inserting lame flashy subjects such as sex and drugs. try tv for that.

starr, thank you. (this is a sad poem to me though, i hope no one would write you one about heartache but rather about love, hah)

unknown, im indecisive about things myself :P

jo and ramher, thanks for taking the time to give me your imput. im not going to try and convince everyone on here about the emotions that i put into this and how deep this stuff goes for me, so i'll just leave it at that. thanks for reading.

unknown, it was a broken heart.... but this seems like a nonsensical comment :s

unknown, another indecisive one? :P

i know this wont be everyone's "cup of tea", so you either like it or you dont... thanks for the adding to favs from everyone, means a lot.

best wishes to all,
sincerely,

– unknown
 — gears

oops, dont know how that "unknown" got there :s
 — gears

You typed it?
 — unknown

actually i didnt, must have been pasted from somewhere : / oh well.
 — gears

I remember when this was rated 9.2. I miss that. How strange that people can not see brillance when it's right in front of them.
 — unknown

No, I understand what it is about, of course. I meant that I also miss "the short words and the longsentencesthrowntogether completed by one another". Your heartache reminded me of my own.

Deeply emotional and not in any way "emo".

x
 — musicwords

i leave it all to personal interpretation though... for me this is/was about heartache, but whatever it means to you, then thats that..
 — gears

oh, and thank you unknown. that is really too kind.
 — gears

Gears, post a new poem before I go crazy.

x
 — musicwords

i'm sorry musicwords, i think i have writers block : ( i havent written anything in over a month and a half.... i've been trying, but its no use.
but hey, thanks for coming back (as always) !

- gears
 — unknown

I. Love. This.

Simply.  
 — WordsAndMe

thank you very much wordsandme

- gears
 — unknown

neato.
 — unknown

I don't understand the title. Could someone explain it to me?

Enjoyed the poem though.
 — DeathShards

n+1 better be a maths reference or i'll be very disappointed. if it is, i understand why. genius.
 — winter

Now I remember why this poem was on my favourites. It's just so...deliciously simple yet artsy, I suppose. I love it.

Teo.
 — teo_omega11

good, but not worth a top two spot. I feel like the formating doesn't add as much as it could, and is kind of gimmicky. If you type this out straight with normal line breaks, does it still hold meaning? Make the poem amazing first, then give it formating to bolster the message.
 — Doulos

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