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God, the Devil, and a Gift Exchange

God said to man,
"I will give you a gift,
that will make you free."
This gift of course,
was responsibility.
Now the Devil,
being the wily creature
that he is,
decided to give a gift
to human kind as well.
Lucifer said,
"I will give you
the gift of blame,
so responsibility
becomes nothing but a game."

23 Nov 05

Rated 7.5 (7.6) by 6 users.
Active (6): 5, 7, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (1): 6, 8

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i like it. i kinda was disappointed at first with th first 2 stanzas. but the last stanza ties it together. nice job.
 — topop

Buddha stopped at a hot dog stand in New York City
and asked for a hot dog
with everything.
 — alicedark

 — bear

anyone else?
 — bear

hey bear.  i was wondering if we can get to know each other.  i mean, email??  or whatever??  i like your poem.  i think it's very good.  (;  i mean, in a way, it sorta does make sense.  i dunno.  i was just thinkin'.  no, actually, yes it makes sense.  ahah.  good jorb.  (;  awesome, dude.  take care.

 — ducktape

hey ducktape,
we sure can get to know one another better, that'd be cool.  i'm glad you think it makes sense! i was really pleased with this when I got done writing it, but it seemed no one else was until you came along, thanks.  
 — bear

i really enjoyed reading this. i love the humour, and it reminds me of something i once wrote (which is just a fact, not a reason why i like this). i like the rhyme used in the first and last stanzas, and although i would like to see the same rhyme used in the middle stanza, i won't suggest it, as i know how difficult that would be, and it is still very good how it is now.

a few suggestions are
l1 comma after "gift"
l10 i don't know how to describe what i mean, but i think that if you linked this back to the previous stanza about God, and added words such as "also", or "as well"
l11 this should not be a seperate sentence, and, with some additional words added previously, and perhaps a slight re-write with this stanza, could link back very well to the previous sentence.
 — inutile

thanks inutile! once again i made some changes that you have suggested.
 — bear

L2 remove comma
L4 comma after gift
L10 remove full stop, add comma if you think necessary
L11 remove capital
L11 & 12 don't like the wording
 — inutile

Stanza 1

Now the Devil
is a wily creature,
it's known,
decided to give mankind
a gift of his own

Delete 11 & 12

Stanza three

...just as a thought as the mid stanza would be better rhymed
 — hobby

i think you should know i shaved my pubes today for you

jungle. a veritable jungle.
 — unknown

i deleted l11 and 12. i don't want the rhyme. thanks for the suggestion though.

thanks unknown, i hope u feel better!
 — bear

can I double your rating to 20

 — unknown

thank you! can i ask why you think it is so good?
 — bear

I like the pattern here, it is a very clean read; and the subject matter is clever.
 — IsAnyone

Thanks for considering my comment. It seems odd that you would have S1 & 3 rhyme, but break form in S2, I was wandering on your reasoning? I don’t believe that the lack of rhyme detracts from the poem, it could however cause the reader to stumble.
 — unknown

nice. good theme.
 — listen

 — bear

Short and sweet! Simple and deep!
 — Andreas