poetry critical

online poetry workshop



An appeal for new teaching trajectories
philosophile

Sit down and tell me a story about the future,
 1
tell me if it suits ya!
 2
Sit down next to me teacher,
 3
tell me about the computer.
 4
Tell me about the trajectories
 5
and the serene screen,
 6
that shows all dreams.
 7
Tell me a trigonometry story.
 8

6 Nov 05

Rated 6 (5.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 5

(define the words in this poem)
(1 more poem by this author)



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Comments:

come on people, tell me if this is meaningless verse, or not.
 — philosophile

it is
 — unknown

excellent
 — philosophile

its not really tho is it? someone will love it!
 — philosophile

i really really like the beat to it. i just have no idea what it is about. well, is it just about someone telling about the future? hmm i gotta thinkg about this some more time. i should really be doing my ecology home work.
 — bear

well, it rhymes, but the rhythm in the first two lines are way off. and, im sorry, im not usually this frank, but i dont seem the point to this. unless there is some really abstract hidden meaning, which i am too dim to see, then i must agree with the unknown.

i'll read your other poem, and see if this one was a just a once of flop.

welcome to this site. there are nicer people here than me, there are, for example, people who would say this is great, just because they would feel bad saying otherwise. and then there are those who would say the most brilliant poem is rubbish. you're going to need thick skin to survive here.
 — inutile

whats this about philosophile? I agree inutile about the first two lines, its too off to work. It may perhaps work if you had a semi-colon at the end of 1. Trouble is 2 then gets buggered up. I suggest a change of line 2, make it longer. Apart from that I would be able to judge it better if the meaning was clearer. Come forth and explain if you don't mind
 — Mr_Private

hello mr private, nice use of the word 'buggered'! you must be a uk person.
I left the second line in as a bit of fun, i know it appears slightly daft...the meaning...about passing on wisdom, whether or not people who do are the best or even want to, find one who does. Reluctant teachers. Serene screen could be the soul??
To be fair I put this in to see the reaction, I know its not the best but i was interested to see what people like anyway. Trigonometry refers to the mathematics of the universe!
 — philosophile

It actually reminds me of something from The Wall by Pink Floyd, which is kind of funny. I like it, though, I'm not sure why... I'm not very helpful, I know. Oh, you're missing a period after "dreams" in line seven. Now I feel slightly helpful, unless you did that on purpous, and if so, I'm lost. :)

Yours truly,
 — shadowskiss

bland.  

I don't understand what you're trying to invoke or address.

Help us understand.
 — themolly

the meaning is very obscure.
 — bettalpha

where you at? you went and then i went and then i came back but you're still gone.
 — inutile

Sassy but demented.
 — Meep

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