poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Poetry Workshops
astrophel

the difference between this
 1
and a real therapy group is:
 2
 
 
if this were really therapy,
 3
i'd bring you copies of the
 4
letters she wrote me and
 5
transcripts of the conversations
 6
 
 
we've had.  i'd profess to you
 7
outright, that she is the
 8
crazy one.  that she needs to
 9
be wrapped in tight jackets,
 10
 
 
medicated and sodomized with
 11
leftist learning. that i am
 12
the sane one.  i would hold the
 13
text above my head and proclaim
 14
 
 
how you can understand now,
 15
that i brought her words for you.
 16
that i wasn't making it all up.
 17
that i have begun anew. and she
 18
 
 
was not just some figment of
 19
my imagination and desire.
 20
and if this were really therapy,
 21
i could talk about it, out loud
 22
 
 
not in some mutated teenage prose
 23
trying awkwardly to be a real verse
 24
lying before you, shifting
 25
between a stack of others just
 26
 
 
like it, virulent about being banal
 27
and unique. like A and not-A. not
 28
able to grasp exactly how it works
 29
but knowing enough to know that
 30
 
 
it doesn't work at all. and if this
 31
were really therapy, i would
 32
break down to my knees, voice
 33
cracking truth, making it seem
 34
 
 
more real. something words
 35
fail to do. and if this were
 36
really therapy, i could really
 37
pretend this were really a poem
 38
 
 
and you might take it from the stack
 39
to believe that with me.
 40

6 Nov 05

Rated 9 (8.4) by 6 users.
Active (6): 6, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (7): 1, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(26 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

your idea is very interesting and I would say, not that poorly executed either (god, that was a loaded bunch of words).  The beginning - great, got me reading the rest.  I like your twists and turns and the subtle way in which you bring the reader back to your main idea with the repetition of "if this were really therapy" though you do not make the common mistake of starting every stanza with that.  Good.  Simple language and very effective at that.  The fifth stanza reads a bit awkward to me.  "Mutated teenage prose" "virulent about being banal andunique" - thanks for the humor, wonderfully witty.  Line 24 - do you really need the "a" before "real"?
On structure and grammar - I like your line breaks and the fragments instead of sentences, works very effectively for me, interrupted grammar compliments your idea, makes it sounds very honest, almost confessional without the usual peronal heartwrenching, warm-up time.  
Again, I really enjoyed reading this.  Well done, astrophel.
Maria (slancho)
  
 — unknown

thank.  you're completely right about the fifth stanza, i'm working on it.  as you are with line 24, i'm sure it would read better without the 'a' -- but i was hoping for a childhood allusion to pinnocio " a real boy!".  

thank you again for that very insightful comment, that is probably the best critique i've had on this site.
 — astrophel

I really liked this, it's got a good flow to it.  (IMHO).
 — TheJediPimpz

you are welcome, astrophel, always a pleasure to comment on good poetry
in the end, it is up to you what you are or what you are not going to change about a poem and all of mine are just suggestions from someone who did not actually write this poem and can never know its deepest secrets.  So, accept my comments kindly and just as observations from someone who wants to help this get better.  (yeah, who the hell do I think I am) :-)
I still like this work a lot, keep it up!
I will be back in a few days to check and see whether you had come up with something in the fifth stanza
Smiles
maria
 — slancho

This is a work to be respected, but not loved, or beloved.   The dominant emotion in the piece is anger, and anger is, simply, to be respected when it is expressed rationally.  The rationality is what precludes this from being a poem, but it is still less than a complaint.  I'm working on where to fit this into a literary genre.  It seems to be something of a warning, too, which menaces the reader:  your point is to be gotten across at the expense of literariness.  I have also indulged in this, even though you've achieved a far more "poetic" type of writing.

Good work.  -Cynth
 — cynthmala

slancho:
thank you again, i'm figuring something out for you :)

cynthmala:
I'm not sure I understand.  This is no poem because it's angry?  I'll have to work on that.  I know the nature of the narrator being a bit crazy didn't come through as well as I hoped, but I hardly thought anger.  Thank you for bringing that to my attention.  And further about the rationality.  As a whole, is it too collected to be considered poetry, then?  Or what did you mean about "The rationality is what precludes this from being a poem, but it is still less than a complaint."

-- Thank you in advance.
 — astrophel

Brilliant
 — katt

This is an amazing poem. I have but one humble suggestion. In line 27, "virulent" is an interesting word to use, but I'm not sure it projects your point adequately. Something more along the lines of "obsessive" (except I don't recommend *that* word itself) would be good. On the other hand, it's your poem, and virulent seems to work, despite its difference in meaning and contextual meaning.
 — phyridean

Very cool poem.
 — Krttika

thank you all.
phyridean:  you're right about virulent.  i'll have to reconsider.  i think i chose it mostly for its flow; i liked the way it fit in there.
 — astrophel

I like this a lot.
 — Isabelle5

there is a nut of a great poem in here. right now it is slightly muted by some clumsy line breaks in places and some extraneous language.

you seem like a "natural writer" which is great. that can't be taught. i think you need, however, to be more methodical with breaks, try to parse your ideas into cogent sigle memes and break that way. right now it seems as though you are struggling with how it looks on the page. it's about drama, breath, and memes.

good work, overall.
 — noodleman

the idea for this is great. you can cut a few things, though. the mold you put this in is nice until a few stanzas in. for it's content, the mold is actually perfect; but not effective.
 — listen

where should i start cutting? "a few stanzas in" didn't really lead me very far.
 — astrophel

there is a fascination with how capturing the frustration of writing poetry can turn into a good poem.  fine example of that here.

root
 — unknown

thank you.
 — astrophel

i figured i would leave the cutting to you. it would be rude of me to presume that i could ever edit your masterpiece.
  aside from stupid complements, this is really good.
 — listen

this is very nice, such wonderful placement of words! I really like all the subtle rhymes you wove within the lines (e.g. 28-29), thanks for sharing this!
 — sparrow

Really unusual angle taken here and at first i thought it wasn't grabbing me but its driven and compulsively insistant tone compelled me towards its end. Fine work.

Larry
 — larrylark

Newest (expand)
  • Lunar Dews
  • Salvation???
  • //bartender at suzie-Q's on thursday mornings//
  • BLUE OR BORED
  • she drives by my house every couple of weeks
  • Lost at Sea
  • pizza en retard pour nuit
  • A Run-[On] How I Hate Where They Located Me
  • Birthday
  • god will forget about the weather
  • CDXX
  • step-aside
  • flamingos that danced
  • Organic decibels
  • prohibited disorder kids
Recently Commented (expand)
Recent Best (expand)
0.526s