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Village moths
slancho

Black vines lean left
 1
in remote villages:
 2
like thunder
 3
ring the August minutes
 4
in flower pots;
 5
crowded, the night nods.
 6
 
 
A mosquito bite itches,
 7
a yawn, shrunk white,
 8
reflects fat and humid,
 9
a sky of borrowed colors
 10
we don’t reflect
 11
anymore.
 12

20 Sep 05

Rated 9 (8.1) by 9 users.
Active (9): 1, 6, 7, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (12): 2, 5, 6, 8, 8, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

WOW I don't get touched like that and find it annoying that I get teary eyed when reading this...thnk you.
 — turtlepoet

thank you, turtle man,
your words are kindness revealed.
Maria
 — slancho

i love your poem
 — bettalpha

thank you for loving the poem
It was great living it
maria
 — slancho

Beautiful, but sad.

P :0)
 — unknown

This has a real Bulgarian feel. I think you should get some sort of award from the Bulgarian Tourist Board.
 — larrylark

You should get rid of the and in the first and seventh  line.
 — unknown

Larrylark, thank you for your input.  You write such beautiful poetry that your comments always touch me.  Ha, I doubt the Bulgarian tourist board is going to appreciate the mataphors.  As a true Bulgarian, maybe I ought to include some reference to our glorious present day westernization and definitely find a way to rhyme the whole thing for them.  Thank you anyway ... some friends appreciate it and interestingly enough, it was inspired by an American. :-)  Life is ironic.  
Maria
 — slancho

unknown, thank you for the suggestions, I think you are right and I did away with the "the" and the "and" in the first and seventh line, it reads much tigher now ... and better.
Might you reveal your name for us, stranger?
Maria
 — slancho

sensitive writing, nice poem.  clarity is, seemingly, a regional requirement.
 — Roz

Wow this piece really was quite amazing i cant really think of much else to say except well done!
 — Ben

Thank you Ben, you are kind
Roz, charity should be at least a reasonable requirement, I think, though its practice is region specific at times and unfortunately so.
Thank you both for your generous words ...
Maria
 — slancho

this has a marvelous ethereal quality
hint of sorrow

a cup of tea, is mine

perfectionotomy!
 — onklcrispy

i love this poem.
 — kaleidazcope

thank you to onklcrispy and to kaleidazcope.  
maria
 — slancho

Awesome description, awesome approach to the disconnection in humanity ... if that was what you were trying to convey.
 — Hear

"Hear," that too, the disconnection, I suppose that is one reason I could connect to everything that was happening mostly outside around me. Thank you for commenting.
Maria
 — slancho

beautiful maria writes beautiful poems.
 — unknown

flutter and a wink to unknown
maria
 — slancho

Takes my breath away.  Fave.
 — housepoppy

Spun through a coocoon of gravy, this sailed straight to the bull, horns blew and and the matador applauded.

Real Nice Poem
 — unknown

thank you, poppy and unknown
maria
 — slancho

No unncecessary words! Good work. All were used to their full potential. I "sky of borrowed colors we don't reflect anymore." Great!!
 — MrChris

creative and nice.
 — listen

this is some good stuff, line six is brilliant.
 — aerol

thank you to listen, aerol and MrChris - I am glad you enjoyed this piece
It is one of my favorites
Maria
 — slancho

i would place a single period at the end of line 6.
 — aerol

yeah, you are right about the single period
thank you
I think I will place it as well, right now
Smiles
Maria
 — slancho

MrChris, listen and aerol, thank you so much for your kind comments and for bringing me back to this poem.  Line 6 is a favorite for me as well, as is the last bit, they have an interesting parallelism going on between them that, I hope, does not make this more melancholy than it was meant to be.

Thanks all three (I wish we could have a place for favorite comments, not just other people's poems) :-)
Maria
 — slancho

Maria,
Having read this many times I have begun to argue with myself over 'lean' in L1. I would like to suggest a change, yet see a paired image in a single word, which would be lost with any other choice. Perhaps also the placement of ‘and’ on the same line effects my eye, maybe if it led l2 or was omitted altogether?

There is a sullen coloring to the poem but it is not in the least lugubrious, the phrasing of L6 sees to that, a pivotal line in the poem. Thanks for the read – I will revisit again when the skies are morose and broody.
Rgds
Hobby
 — hobby

hobby, you are so very kind to revisit this
I thought maybe if I changed the verb "lean" to "thrust" (in past tense though I might have gotten the grammar wrong), that would also imply the vines being acted upon by the thunder. I am not sure if that works, because yes, they lean (v) left before they are lean (adj), think and fragile ...

I am starting to wonder why I ever chose "black" as the first word and the one to describe the vines.  You have brought me to re-consider this poem, thank you for that.  I have also taken the "and" away from the end of line 1, it makes it less narrative and more strike-ing ...

I hope I have not ruined this poem
Yours
maria
 — slancho

Short and sweet, but deep. I enjoyed reading this piece.
 — FemmeInLA

thank you FemmeInLA
I am glad you enjoyed this poem
Maria
 — slancho

I really like this, especially after reading it a few times. What is the yawn, is it something Bulgarian or is it a yawn that someone does when tires, if it is I'm not sure i understand. Poem paints a powerful picture and is nicely written.
 — icepineapple

i absolutely love this. there isn't a single thing i would change.
 — caustic

I would change the word "thrust"
Meep
 — unknown

thank you, icepineapple, caustic and Meep, for your comments
I changed the word "thrust" to its original, "lean" which, some time back, seemed to bother some readers but I do think it might just fit better.
As far as the yawn is concerned, it is nothing specifically Bulgarian, just a reference to falling asleep, to darkness (without saying it directly), to the changing of seasons, to the kind of apathy that takes over the body and the mind and the kind of apathy to go along with borrowed colors.
Thank you all for the read
Yours kindly
Maria
 — slancho

would you consider one small change to this otherwise brilliant poem?

'ring' to the previous line... ?
 — varun

beautiful imagery - delicious memory
 — Mongrol

No no, don't do that (varun, no offense) the enjambment would be lost. L3 has a natural completion to it, the placement of 'ring' unsettles the eye and would be far less effective on the previous line.  

Also I like that you have returned to 'lean' - nice to read this again
Rgds
Hobby
 — unknown

thank you, guys, a lot
Varun, I am going with hobby's instinct ...
maria
 — slancho

Obviously, you kick ass ;-)
I love how "bite itches" looks like 'bitches'-
that kinda stuff gets me all excited.

First read of the morning
and I'm pretty sure it'll be the best.
 — Krttika

good call on 'ring'. i read it about 10 times. makes sense what hobby said. of course.
merci.
 — lyom

Krttika and Lyom,
thank you so much for your kind words
I do not kick ass, not at all I am afriad ... there are times when the relationship between power and its addressee seems to me to go the other way around.  Ouch! :-)
Thank you both and everybody for your comments
Yours
Maria
 — slancho

You should strive to contain your last effort in so few lines. This is a fine poem, but over a year old. I would have expected to see improvement not decline in successive posts.
 — unknown

and who would this unknown be?
if I may kindly ask
maria
 — slancho

Stephen Boyd
 — unknown

ok, so I happened upon this poem this morning, and I very much enjoyed the read. when I finished, I decided "I definitely need to add this to my favorites list", so I went to add it, and it turns out it was already one of my favorites. anyhow, I'm glad I came upon it again. very much enjoy this one. very well done. thanks.
 — theair

If you were so inclined:

A mosquito bite itches
a yawn, shrunk white,  
reflects fat and humid,  
the languid smile of yesterday
‘s moon, the stars cheerleaders
Of a sky of borrowed
colors  10
we don’t reflect  11
anymore.
 — Nemesis

ah, you are so king, theair, thank you ...
And I think you have prompted me to go and re-read some of your own poetry this fine Monday morning
Kindly
Maria
 — slancho

why "the lnaguid smile of yesterday's moon, the stars of cheerleaders" ... this changes the meaning of the poem a bit, the introduction of cheerleaders when I am talking about a remote village, perhaps such a turn of gaze of the reader would feel somewhat forced, which is what I tried to avoid with this poem the whole time.  The poem is about a thunderstorm in a village and about the reaction of the world to the thunder, plants, vines and humans alike.  

I would love to know why you propose the changes, if you get a chance to get back to this

Thanks for your comment
Maria
 — slancho

A glass of red too many I fear, :

A mosquito bite itches
a yawn, shrunk white,  
reflects fat and humid,  
the languid smile of yesterday,
the stars cheer, leaders of a sky
of borrowed colors
we don’t reflect
anymore.

Thoughts: places a enjambed line in the second strophe (albeit a little different in style to the one in the first). Likens the sky which lies beyond the storm, or through a momentary clearance in the clouds, to hope, that which is worth celebrating once the storm passes. The ‘borrowed colors’ brought to mind an association with cheerleaders.

Other than that I don’t know – my wine induced blurb would seem to have been a touch hasty :)
Nemesis
 — unknown

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