poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Happiness Is A Bum Face

Early this morning after coffee and juice,
I squirted my backside with hair gel and mousse.
Powdered my dick, bouffanted my hair,
left toe nail cuttings all over the chair.
Hacked off my beard,trimmed up my 'tache,
went under the matress to draw out some cash;
accosted a tramp who stood in the road,
swapped him a fiver for his camel hair coat.
A sudden stiff breeze lifted my toupe,
blew off my sideburns and the front of my suit.
My nipples erected, my hair stood on end,
I  looked God's gift to women and also to men.
Arrived at an orgy at quarter past nine -
it was members only, and I couldn't find mine.
Drank a stiff whisky, looked in the glass,
Who is that man with a face like an ass?
Next morning I looked in the mirror and saw
my testicles stuck to the side of my jaw.
I snipped 'em and trimmed 'em, polished 'em up.
Now everyone knows that I don't give a fuck.

16 Sep 05

Rated 8 (7.8) by 23 users.
Active (23): 2, 2, 4, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (7): 1, 1, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10

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(244 more poems by this author)

(7 users consider this poem a favorite)

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not very nice.
 — Roz

A classy piece from start to finish - nasty but sublime.
 — unknown

 — Roz

Boredom and a vivid imagination.
 — larrylark

 — Roz

"I snipped 'em and trimmed 'em, polished 'em up.
Now everyone knows that I don't give a fuck."
 — Roz

Great presentation skills :)
 — Roz

lol truly shameless

P. :0)
 — unknown

I think it should be--now everyone knows that I give a fuck...because you snipped em and trimmed 'em and polished 'em up...so obviously you give a fuck.

This is real funny man.
 — themolly

Yes apathy,exactly. When you go into a trance like state induced by complete indifference to the disgusting society that you have to live alongside ,all sort of weird things surface from the primeival soup.
 — larrylark

Interesting, I think I would like this a lot if it were written in prose -- the narrative and characterization is so strong and so well worth telling, but I find the prosody amateurish. I don't mind if you get p.o.'d at me for my bluntness, because I klnow you are my peer. I just thought I should say you needed a tighter meter and and avoidance of forced sentence structure here tomake the poem enjoyable as a poem.  lol, tis funny, though.(9)
 — Roz

Hey Roz lighten up. if your as old as me you only got some temporary time left. Maybe 25 years in a fair wind .Can't waste it on wondering about motivation. I'm just releived things still spring into my head ,some of which i can write about and hopefully conect with other people
 — unknown

thanks for the laugh larry funny lark.
 — hank

Cute. Change the title though to Happiness Is A Bum On Your Face!
 — unknown

unknown, can't get much lighter than "motivation?".  as for "if your as old as me"
what if I'm not, what then?  I'm not allowed to question things because you're old, I don't think my tutors at uni would go along with that, even now.
 — Roz

whatever, still a funny old poem, Larry.
 — Roz

Dear Roz

thanks for the further comments ,i really appreciate them and i'm glad you laughed at this one as that was my primary intention in writing it. As for being old i feel incredibly young in my head ,its just that physically i'm starting to crumble. I stand by what i said- that boredom is a great motivator. I've written a lot of what i consider my better work waiting in the car for Opal in Sainsbury's car park.

Fond regards

 — larrylark

 — unknown

You want me to send you a spelling kit? I uwse one all the time.
 — opal

I love it! LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE at first read!
 — winter

Dear Winter

Your comment has put a spring in my step
 — larrylark

I don't like this, Larry.  It's just doesn't jiggle my funny.  The rhythm is lovely but the rhyming goes from bang on to iffy from L7-10.  Your little story is just nonsensical crap with testicles and tits.  It feels like you've banged this off in ten minutes whilst feeling over frisky.  I've read much, much better of yours.
 — unknown

Dear Unknown

I've got to agree with you. The more i look at this one the more it seems like a pile of testicles.

Larry golden balls Lark
 — larrylark

Line six: "mattress"

Nice to see your spelling and comma spacings are as atrocious as ever. Thank you for such a wonderful poem, anything with testicles, asses and old drinking geezers always make me laugh. Especially testicles; I love testicles.
 — wendz

I,m real glad you find this old geezer so funny. Personally i cry every time i look in the mirror in the morning but thats probably because i,m eating a raw onion sandwich while squeezing my zits.
 — larrylark

laughing so hard at 13-14 my accountant came in to see what was going on , so I quickly dropped the screen and she gave me that look that says " porn " . Thanks Larry .
 — sir_I_clan

Guess what sir-I-clan ,i have found my membership card lying on the floor in th eoutside toilet and guess what? Its stiff with cold.

Larry arsenic arse Lark
 — unknown

Please stop Larry , you should know there is only so much laughter for each day and you have already had your quota .
 — sir_I_clan

I love your humor.
 — Krttika

I love you
 — opal

Dear Kritta

If only it were just humour but you stop laughing after a while if they keep on happening to you.
 — larrylark

Dear Opal

The feelings mutual
 — larrylark

Just to let you know I printed this off and pinned it on my office wall ,
it fell behind my computer on the floor ,
can't wait till I am tidying up and find it .

Take care.
 — sir_I_clan

Dear Sir i can

When you find it will you please post it to my Aunt Fanny who thinks i'm a right cunt but is worth a mint and if she sees i'm bursting with talent she might reinherit me.
 — larrylark

This is really fucking good.  Godly, in fact. Perfect. No criticism here.


 — OKcomputer

Makes me laugh in the morning .
 — sir_I_clan

why is this on the top rated list? why do people love profane things?
 — saysayonara

Dear Saysaysonara

Because they don't like the order they have to submit to in their every day lives guided by hypocracy and the self interest of those who think they know best how we should live?

Larry high octane profanity Lark
 — larrylark

I have no comment to make, except to say that i seem to be following Larry around this place today
 — unknown

this makes up for the disapointment I felt reading the "episode IV: Jabba the hut is gay" poem moments ago.

my bum is smiling....(?)
 — john_daker

nope.. that's not it.
 — saysayonara

Dear John

Your bum can only smile if your arse has teeth.

Larry the gnash Lark
 — larrylark

Oh dear!
Very funny, thank you so much larrylark!
 — unknown

 — ducktape

Hi Ducktape

I hear your laughing

Larry wor a hoot Lark
 — larrylark

ha ha ha, brilliant.
 — angrychick


it was members only and i couldnt find mine--very funny

oh, this is just a fun piece and thank you
 — ilenelush

Hi angrychick

don't be angry no more, just laff along with Uncle Larry.

Larry split grin Lark
 — unknown

Hi Ilenelush

Uncle Larry is a fine upstanding member of many many clubs, for in Britain if you are not in a club then you are nothing short of a social out cast.

Larry wandering in the snow Lark
 — larrylark

Larry you have a fine set of cahonas on you there - with your good looks and charms and obvious gifts i have no hesitation to offer you life membership to the Mongrolian Orgies of Depravity Club - we have monthly meetings at the local church hall.

 — Mongrol

very interesting. very good.
 — lanezfairy

Dear Mongrol

U must realise that a talented beautiful person like wot  I is am very much in demand for pubic speaking and ripping off adoring old ladies corsets., so unfortunately i will not be able to fit you in this side of Christmas ,so to speak. I will however send you a DVD of my specially trained parrot singing The Wasteland By T.S. Eliot. I do hope you will find a use for it.

Larry Squawk stuffed men Squawk Hollow men Lark
 — larrylark

It's a good read. After a second read, I think themolly may be right about the last line though.
 — homepancakes

keep rocking the words. it was pretty awesome reading this interesting bit of art.. gives me a new perspective of life.. do make more for i shall share it with my dear friends at home
 — unknown

 — unknown

i've testicles on my jaw as well. much better location for to scratch them.
where i live, the short form for moustache is 'stache...
not that you give a fuck. ;)
 — chuckles

That's beautiful, man!?!
 — unknown

Hi Unknowns

It comforting to know that there are people out there that I've never met in my life.

Larry enigma Lark
 — larrylark

larry lark, for me is the best poet in on this website, soo good!
 — Bobby

aaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahah a


dear larrylark,
this is a great poem. thank you making me laugh.
 — varun

An ingenious and very funny poem.  I like it!  Comic poems---we need more of them;
especially blackened around the edges.   Kudos!

 — netskyIam

i don't think i've heard anything as brilliant as lines 13 14 in a while
and this nonsense commenting just backs up the greatness of it all
 — photobooth

OMG!!!!!!.....I'm still laughing my ass off at this....to funny..... :)
 — ditto

I don't like profanity or crude things. But when looking at poetry as poetry, you have to put that aside at times and look at it for what it is. And..it's good. It gets people's attention and I know you wrote it to make people laugh but underneath, it shows people something they might not see unless the crude hit them in the face - which this does. So from a personal standpoint - it's too crude and I don't care for it. From a poetry standpoint - it's really good. How's that for a useless comment lol
 — papermoon

Hi Papermoon

I love how you spotted how i strive for effect and to bring people up with a jolt though this poem actually is a fairly accurate decription of what usually happens when i go on a bender

Larry round the bend Lark
 — larrylark

Quite amusing
 — propoet50

Dear Propoet


Larry amateur poet Lark
 — larrylark

I think I heard this poem on RawDog
 — InfaFred

Hi Infrafred

I sometimes let other poets have my work to boost their confidence after all I've plenty to go round

Larry cocky boy Lark
 — larrylark

o you naughty little lark!

this was delightful.
 — adiscodancer

I could have sworn,
(like fuck, hell... I'm sure I had commented on this before!).
but I obviously hadn't.
I know I read it though.  sorry to have not commented at the time.
I remember clearly enjoying every word.  It's hilarious.
Also, I love poems that make me want to swear.
 — jenakajoffer

It depends on whose bum is in yur face.
 — unknown

Hi jenakajoffer,

Please don't swear on my threads as it is so fuckin' rude

Larry cunt features Lark
 — larrylark

Hi discodancer

glad you liked it

Larry bottoming out Lark
 — larrylark

Thank your luck.  I am a top.
 — netskyIam

Dear Netsky

you are a top and my head is in a spin.

Larry these foolish things lark
 — larrylark

You are one funny, funny, man.

 — unknown

 — aurelius

This is just filth and nastiness. 2/10
 — Henry

you let loose all the way here. very good job with that, could have been dull had you not kept the humorous tempo going. why did i even say that? the word dull shouldn't be under this poem.

did you mean mat(t)ress?
 — listen

Henry is a very dull boy who knows nothing about poetry, just look at his picture. larrylark is a god while henry is a mere bum faced brat.
 — unknown

Hi Unknown

I do hope you haven't offended dear Henry with your injudicious remark.

Larry none taken Lark
 — larrylark

Happiness may indeed be a bum face; however, a university education appears to breed its own particular species of North Enders.
Line two is an absolute arsehole, what’s up college boy can’t you count.

Opal must be proud of you. Cap and all.

 — Mor

In the top rated? Top rated what? This is total shit. The king is naked you foolish people.
 — unknown

Dear Unknown

It was written with total shit in mind.

Larry asshole gel lark
 — larrylark

don't write crap larry
 — unknown

fuckin dumb shit
 — unknown

Hi Unknown

I never rite krap as I don't know how to spell it.

Larry shit on a shovel Lark
 — larrylark

I will have to admit of cracking a very small smile on reading it this time. I will still need to give a spelling lesson. C-R-A-P is poopy.
 — unknown

Dear Unknown

Smile though your heart is breaking, although a tear may be ever so near.

Larry the sob Lark
 — larrylark

i recommend this to anyone who's having an off day
 — aprilkutie

If I were having an off day then i wouldn't be able to find the poem, now would I? lol It's the kind of poem that I just shake my head and say, of all the poem material in the world, you had to pick this?
 — unknown

amazing title.

weak ending in my opinion.

the rhymes are cheesy but in a sort of double dactyl / limerick way, so it could work, depending on your intentions.

line 8 bothers me; it feels one syllable too long, rhythmically.

thanks much for the read; i enjoyed it,
 — steveroggenb

Hi steve

Thanks for the complementaries.

 — larrylark

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