poetry critical

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oh my gimp

she crushes testicles
in crocodile clamps.
who wants it harder,
she thinks, feeling it
serpentine; sublime,
knowing the ways of
rubbery rich men
she pleases.

12 Sep 05

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maybe not hard enough. might take out 'in' in line 6.
 — hank

take a look again please
 — bettalpha


i read the title wrong on first look and when i saw your name i said, no. then i read it again and smiled, but ouch. 'rubbery rich men'...good.

 — unknown

i couldn't find a stripper when i dumped the go-go dancer
 — bettalpha

i can do both...wanna see?
 — unknown

 — hank

you have a lurid imagination. oh, i meant lucid.
 — hank

but not hard enough?
 — bettalpha

i want to see
 — bettalpha

well, maybe...hmm, having a bit of trouble with 'sublime' stuck in there. not a very hard word. is line 3 a question? or could it be?
instead of 'sublime' i would probably pick a bad, hard word that describes those rich men in a way that she would really want to.
i know you use words sparingly and carefully so maybe i'm missing something.
 — hank

i know how you're using it. it is sublime to know the ways of your 'clientele', but. hmm.
 — hank

maybe 'satisfying', which goes well after serpentine and alludes to sexual satisfaction.
although it doesn't have the metaphysical aspect of sublime.

i think i can warm up to sublime.
 — hank

sublime has many trace meanings which are interesting when looked at from a perspective of sadism or masochism. i thought.
 — bettalpha

if there was a question mark after 3 then 'she thinks' can be removed.
'feeling it serpentine' becomes one line (and a good one).
then you could as the reader a question:

'isn't it sublime?'
her knowing the ways
of the rubbery rich men
she pleases.

just ranting because i'm on a sculpting break. i don't like to criticize others poetry to much, especially stuff as good as yours but in this case it's fun due to plenty of fodder.
 — hank

so. are you a rich man now or did you lose your shirt?
 — bettalpha

or maybe 'she thinks' comes after 'feeling it serpentine'
 — hank

maybe there should be a question mark after 3. i never know whether to use them when it's a rehetorical question. i need to think about it. thank you for your thought provoking words hank.
 — bettalpha

me? what are you talking about. i'm a sculptor, i haven't been rich since i sold my shares in my computer company about '94. (although i sold a lot of work dec-jan but spent it all already, back to zero, feast and famine)
 — hank

why are you on a break. i should ask by phone. but when i haven't spoken for days they scare me.
 — bettalpha

you went to the dogs. rich is a perspective thing. waves hand dismissively.
 — bettalpha

oh, ha. yeah. the dogs. won the first. picked 3and1 reverse in the fifth. your dog was the most heavily favored of the day in 7. came in second. i only bet to win. was up 60 and blew it all in the last. picked 321(thought it was poetic) straight in the last and they came in 1,3,2. fuck.
 — hank

breaking even is always a good day. that's free entertainment. an we know entertainment ain't free!
 — hank

you did good. i would have blown my profit on the last race too. there are good characters at the dogs. like at bingo. i enjoy both. not long after going i add names like dora, mabel, bert, godfrey and hyacinth to my character studies.

i once bet my love life on the dogs. i ignored the result. it was a grave mistake.
 — bettalpha

This must be my bettalpha day.

I love this poem.
I was compelled to look up the subtler meanings of sublime-
and am impressed with your word choice.
Very cool.
 — unknown

crocodile clamps better suited to nipples, i think

love the rubbery sheath -- extreme fetish, that one, when vacuumed to leave just one or two breathing holes.

well done

-- bf
 — unknown

they were big clamps
 — bettalpha

 — Kauf

i know. i know. i should have written about the giraffe being the only animal with a blue tongue.
 — bettalpha

sucka my dicka!!
 — unknown

I like your poem
 — Bloodfetish

I wanna be your gimp ....!!
 — unknown

 — bologna

xD I was watching a friend play Grand Theft Auto, and there was a gimp in it. It made me laugh. I love the first two lines xDxDxD
 — wendz