Yo, people, comment on this s'il vous plait?
use a more structured format - if not in rhyme, then at least in actual formatting of the verses
ln1 and ln 4 - did you mean to repeat "again?" if you drop "in" ln 4, it works just as well
cut ln 9
ln 18 - This line is vulgar (common) when you are describing such a personal subject and letting the reader into your thoughts. Of course, you could mean it literally, (- what writing?) but it doesn't come through as literal and it is too vague for the reader to guess about it.
Do work on it. Don't let it go. :-)
the voice is good ... but i think you can match your punctuation with the voice by removing the capitals on the lines; especially since you don't have periods.
you can probably leave "I" capitalized, though.
Ha ha. "Vulgar." Wow. Thanks for the comments, what's wrong with line 9 though?