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Winter-Spangled Emptiness
alana

Well it's getting cold again
 1
And the smell brings me back
 2
I spent last winter dreaming about you
 3
And the tears are moving in again
 4
To live in my eyes
 5
 
 
I'd be amazed if you didn't know
 6
In fact I'm amazed even so
 7
That you could just ignore
 8
The eyes I made at you
 9
The time I lost for you
 10
The love I kept for you
 11
 
 
And even though
 12
It's over now
 13
I'll spend this winter dreaming of your eyes
 14
And how they couldn't love mine
 15
And how I couldn't blame you
 16
 
 
I don't know how far I loved you
 17
I left for you the writing on the wall
 18

10 Sep 05


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Comments:

Yo, people, comment on this s'il vous plait?
 — alana

use a more structured format - if not in rhyme, then at least in actual formatting of the verses

ln1 and ln 4 - did you mean to repeat "again?"  if you drop "in"  ln 4, it works just as well

cut ln 9

ln 18 - This line is vulgar (common) when you are describing such a personal subject and letting the reader into your thoughts.  Of course, you could mean it literally, (- what writing?)  but it doesn't come through as literal and it is too vague for the reader to guess about it.

Do work on it.  Don't let it go. :-)
 — cynthmala

the voice is good ... but i think you can match your punctuation with the voice by removing the capitals on the lines; especially since you don't have periods.
  you can probably leave "I" capitalized, though.
 — listen

Ha ha. "Vulgar." Wow.  Thanks for the comments, what's wrong with line 9 though?
 — alana

I love the title, it's so flippant.
 — Roz

perfect.
 — listen

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