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Winter-Spangled Emptiness

Well it's getting cold again
And the smell brings me back
I spent last winter dreaming about you
And the tears are moving in again
To live in my eyes
I'd be amazed if you didn't know
In fact I'm amazed even so
That you could just ignore
The eyes I made at you
The time I lost for you
The love I kept for you
And even though
It's over now
I'll spend this winter dreaming of your eyes
And how they couldn't love mine
And how I couldn't blame you
I don't know how far I loved you
I left for you the writing on the wall

10 Sep 05

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Yo, people, comment on this s'il vous plait?
 — alana

use a more structured format - if not in rhyme, then at least in actual formatting of the verses

ln1 and ln 4 - did you mean to repeat "again?"  if you drop "in"  ln 4, it works just as well

cut ln 9

ln 18 - This line is vulgar (common) when you are describing such a personal subject and letting the reader into your thoughts.  Of course, you could mean it literally, (- what writing?)  but it doesn't come through as literal and it is too vague for the reader to guess about it.

Do work on it.  Don't let it go. :-)
 — cynthmala

the voice is good ... but i think you can match your punctuation with the voice by removing the capitals on the lines; especially since you don't have periods.
  you can probably leave "I" capitalized, though.
 — listen

Ha ha. "Vulgar." Wow.  Thanks for the comments, what's wrong with line 9 though?
 — alana

I love the title, it's so flippant.
 — Roz

 — listen

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