| the difference between today and yesterday. |
midare
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two skirts walk in,
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falling out of clothes
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and hope.
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they've been singing
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about sin since their
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inception in a time of
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fabric and button fashion
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where metal rings and
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bare legs and things
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were considered to be
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a no-no, a don't see.
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breathe, stay with me
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underneath this pine tree
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for just a little longer,
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languishing in boxes and
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hangers and with feet
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and always taken
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with a smile and
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a glimmering strand
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of moon, shimmering--
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because gold is just a hue;
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a colour, a fragment of
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scarcity, a last melody
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between the spaces
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in the stars and the places
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where two skirts can
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vanish into nothingness
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without waning metallic
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and combusting.
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2 Sep 05 |
Rated 8.5 (7.9) by 15 users.
Active (15): 1, 4, 6, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (19): 1, 1, 4, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(58 more poems by this author)
(18 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
wow, I really liked this poem. It flowed really well, and the rhyming--it was so cool. no, rather, it was AWESOME. I liked your natural-like placing of words. Great jorb, and as always, KEEP ON WRITING! (: (; (9)
— ducktape
The first line almost made me click away because it sounded like the start of a bad joke, but then lines 2 and 3 hooked me in and forced me to read the rest. Very good!
— leukothea
yeah, i know whatcha mean! it starts off just like those classic jokes: "Two guys walk into a bar" etc. But it is a good poem nonetheless. Again, midare, good jorb. (;
— ducktape
I think I'm your newest fan.
I love the shift in the second strophe--I usually indent or italicise for such a thing, but it's really not necessary here--and the return to the skirts in the third.
"breathe, stay with me" stands poignantly well all by itself like that--haunting.
I wouldn't have though of using the "and" the way you do in 16 and 17, but I'll do it now. It really lends an air of sincerity to the piece, imo.
I also really like "fragment of scarcity" and "waning metallic".
— housepoppy
vivid imagery. not quite sure i followed the extended metaphor, but perhaps it's better vague. lovely.
— SteelAngel
thanks, everyone. i'm glad you enjoyed this.
i wasn't too sure how this was going to be recieved.
i was concerned that it was a little too far off
on the 'weird-end-of-things'.
smile.
midare
— midare
anyone else? :0
— midare
The only thing I don't like about this is the word "melody". It just doesn't quite seem to fit into this somehow. All the other images are so abstractly well strung together, "melody" seems a little bit off. It might just be me though, don't change it unless you get what I mean. ^_^
Lines twelve to sixteen are quite lovely. I like how the whole piece tells a little story, but there are so many interjections and random images that it seems as if it's all disconnected and discontinuous, until the images of the skirts pulls it all back into focus. Nicely done.
-wendz
— unknown
I absoultely love everything about this
--madderhatter
— unknown
"they've been singing about sin since their inception"
"breathe, stay with me underneath this pine tree for just a little longer"
"because gold is just a hue, a fragment of scarcity"
I really enjoyed this. Those were the highlights for me. The flow of a poem is important to me, and I think you nailed it with this one. Eye candy.
"Melody" in line 23 could be "anthem". Author's choice though, nothing big. :) Good work.
-Rhein
— Rhein
aw, thanks guys.
and gals.
and you don't have to hide anymore, incognito.
grin.
midare
— midare
I agree with leukothea. The first line did sound like the starting of a corny joke, and i'm hoping that I will never have to see 2 skirts walking into a bar! :P Nice poem though, after I got through the first line.
— mistyseas
do you really need 'the' in 20?
should you use a semi-colon at the end of 21 rather than a comma,
a hue after all is just a colour I believe?
excellent finish.
if i were to suggest an alternative to line 1 it would be cut "to a bar" to be left with "two skirts walk in" it's always redundant to specify location if it isn't key to the rest of the poem and it isn't here.
and it does sound less like a corny joke opener then. winks.
very good poem. otherwise.
— kaleidazcope
thanks kal. i made all of the suggestions that you.. suggested.
grin.
midare
— midare
the voice is awesome for this
— listen
i love "a don't see"
— tragicbubble
Has a good feeling to it, easy to read and it flowed really well. Great Job!
— smiddy
well done
— bloodytearsx
I always want to comment on your poetry but I never know what to say. It's hard to seem intelligent when praising other people's work. I really like line twenty one, and the general flow and mood of the poem as well.
I think that you'd be better off with one statement in line 11 instead of two ( i would choose "a don't see") . Although, if youre following a syllable pattern, then my suggestion is useless.
— misswyoming
It's so intuitive it's hard to know if I'm still with you by the end but moments of bright lucidity Oh and nice fireworks at the end .
; &nbs p; &nb sp; &n bsp; & nbsp; Thanks for this one
— sexfear
this is nice.
— listen
the title is my favourite part.
— shakeit
this was lovely. i have a hard time finishing a lot of pieces, they just don't hold my attention but this was very nice i love the tone and the pace. nice work, especially the last stanza and lines 12-14
— januarygirl
wow.
— unknown
brilliant - fair enough you didnt get to my heart but you got to my eyes - this poem reminds me of the first time i saw glitter.
— philoanon
thank you, everyone.
i'm surprised this got brought back. :0
midare
— midare
i dont like it.
— crazykiller
well what don't you like about it?
— midare
Man, This should have been a fantastic poem. Your first stanza promised so much, so much
— SolCarloman
thanks, everyone. i'm glad you enjoyed this.
i wasn't too sure how this was going to be recieved.
i was concerned that it was a little too far off
on the 'weird-end-of-things'.
dj tiesto
— dj-tiesto
strange person posting on my poems. :0
— midare
let me guess, today you woke up, without your glasses, in a strange city and only a small suitcase of women's clothes for company.
— Kauf
yesterday, you didn't.
— Kauf
with
— Meep
I like this a lot. I like the journey.
— joyjam
if ducktape likes it, it probably sucks.
— OKcomputer
okay! That was not okay. That was very very wude!
— unknown
Ducktape tured down Okay's advances and Okay was not Okay about it. Okay!!!
— unknown
Actually, it was pretty good. good job. i read it out of guilt. maybe that tainted my reading voice.
— OKcomputer
Interesting.
I'd say- "Out of clothes and hope" (killing the 2nd of)
and nix "Nothingness" why not just 'nothing' it also seems to flow better with combusting.
Otherwise, good job.
-ramher
— ramenherpes
thank you, everyone.
i like the first change, ramher, but i left nothingness because i meant it to go with 'spaces' and 'places' rather than with 'combusting'. thank you for your suggestion, though.
smile.
midare
— midare
i lost two sphincters reading this
— unknown
please don't post inane things.
— midare
inspirational
— b00
Excellent, you remind me of a poet I know, your style and flow are great,
— marieF
thank you very much boo and marie.
— midare
what is this about? it's written beautifully but i have no idea what is going on.
— luvscost
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