poetry critical

online poetry workshop

An Autumn Poem

A leaf floats
cradled on a light breeze.
It lands
on the piles of foliage
gathered at my feet.
I breathe in the air,
cool and cleansing,
with the scent of crisp apples
and the stalks of corn across the field.
The kids next door are playing frisbee
and the adults
are burning leaves across the street
like every year.
I know autumn has come.
It's dinnertime;
my mother is calling me,
I have to go home.
I walk away slowly,
as another leaf falls
gently on the piles of foliage...

29 Aug 05

Rated 8 (8.3) by 6 users.
Active (6): 5, 7, 8, 9
Inactive (2): 8, 9, 9, 9

(define the words in this poem)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


you dared to take on a seasonal poem. for that, you deserve a little praise.
this is nice stuff of it's kind. seasons are probably the most over-written subjects on the planet (behind love, of course!)
ll7: a bit cumbersome. maybe "that gather at my feet" instead.
l11-12: the "so I walk home slowly" makes it sounds like you're walking home because you've realized it's fall. i'd lose the "so."
l13: leaves don't fall from the sky, they fall from trees. try something like "as another leaf softly drifts to earth."
maybe try to expand on the idea of the air, maybe incorporating something about the smell of burning leaves. this is sweet, though; i think you could really develop this into something nice.
 — Catbox

thank you. is it better now catbox?
 — lonelygirl

nice changes, lonelygirl. autumn always evokes such happy feelings for me. some people think it's a sad season, but not me. :)
 — Catbox

:-)- yeah, i love autumn. especially when it rains and when it is halloween. it's nice to know we both like autumn.
 — lonelygirl

it's so peaceful and beautiful yet boring...
 — unknown

yeah i agree with unknown. couldn't you make this fall poem more exciting?
 — unknown

that was the point unknowns. i didn't want it to be sad or brutal or cute like my last poems. this is more of a \"feel-nothing-leave-your-senses-into-the-beauty-of-nature\" poem. it's not supposed to be exciting.
 — lonelygirl

i find it quite pleasant and serene. now that i've left, come back, and read it again, i have just one other suggestion: the word "leaf" is repeated four times in the poem. now, i know that's what the poem is about, but how about exploring some imagery/metaphors for leaves? maybe adjectives like "feather-like," "wispy," etc.
 — Catbox

is it better now?
 — lonelygirl

mm.. pumpkin pie. i like this poem... but um, do you live in the country or something (you know the fields and stuff)
 — unknown

no i don't. i live in the suburbs at a 2-story apartment in SoCal. i can't smell the scent of pumpkin pie or apples because the people have their damn windows closed all the time and leaves are always being scraped from the sidewalks so they never pile up. plus dogs are not allowed in the apartment and i live next to some crazy old people who garden like hell. i can hear them shoveling dirt at 2:00 am...:-(
 — lonelygirl

nice poem and nice topic. autumn is so beautiful...
here's my help fo ya mate...

line 2 -  is the capital G intended for some reason?
line 8 - leave out 'that' and make it 'gathered at my feet'
line 16 - 'i know autumn has come.'
line 19 - leave out 'I'
line 20 - leave out 'as'
line 21 - same as line 8 i suppose...

here's how i would have started it:

A leaf floats
Drifting softly
cradled on
gentle breeze.

the change of gather to gathered makes it feel more like the moment itself.
here, the use of language can confuse history and present because it presents
both at the same time...

hope this is some help...
 — dedication

thank you dedication and catbox. i love you both!!
 — lonelygirl

i'd changed the last line to "to land at my feet" or something. it is a bit strange as it is now, i think.

but i really like this poem, and think it's ur best yet.
 — Lia

thank you lia <3
 — lonelygirl

this poem is written well and u describe everything with great detail.. i can see all of it happening in my mind.. good poem
 — w0und3d

love you w0und3d. your poems are good too
 — lonelygirl

anyone else?
 — lonelygirl

Why does the dog only lick you once a year and why is your mother calling?  Why aren't you playing with the children?  Why is foliage at your feet?

This formatting is strange in places, such as line 13.  You can fix that, you know.  It would make it prettier to read.
 — Isabelle5

is it better now isabelle5?
 — lonelygirl

Well, if I could see why it's formatted that way, it would help, but this is your poem.  What about the other questions?  
 — Isabelle5

It's dinnertime;
my mother is calling me,
I have to go home.

to me - I don't think you need this part - to me it throws off the poem.

other then that part - it is a really good poem. detailed and soft and just there flowing nicely! Good poem! :)

I (also) like how the beginning goes! the choppyness - and like a leaf is falling from a tree as you discribe!
 — misterpoet

How gentle would you like me to be?
 — tantriss

i'm glad you liked my poem. tantriss, what are you talking about?
 — lonelygirl

you're welcome!
 — misterpoet

 — lonelygirl

anyone else want to comment?
 — lonelygirl

nice poem. the way it is.
 — hank

I think you can take down your plea for help- this seems just fine to me.
 — Cloudless

nice boem
 — unknown

it is nice .... yeah, nice.
 — unknown

thank you fellow poets, i appreciate the comments.
 — lonelygirl

i like this a lot! haha but i can't think of anything to change about it, so ill just say it's pretty sweet :-)
 — misspanda

thank you misspanda. i appreciate it.
 — lonelygirl

Very nice.  I love all the changes.
 — Isabelle5

Thank you Isabelle.
 — lonelygirl

forgotten how much i liked this.

how about shifting 'are' from line 16 to line 17?
make it 'like every year' in line 18?
shift 'gently' from line 24 to 25?

you've used the word gentle twice... you sure you want that?
 — varun

Hmm... nice suggestions. I've changed the poem. Is it better?
 — lonelygirl

i think you could delete that last two lines, because they are merely repeating what you have already said previously in the poem, and are not very necessary. the poem could end just fine at line 24.
 — inutile

Lovely poem ,From your number 1 fan ,larry
 — larrylark

thank you larrylark.... i feel unworthy of your praise though *blushes* :-)
 — lonelygirl

Lonelygirl, I did not get to read this poem in the "raw" but i like the way it is. I really have to agree with wOund3d. You do describe everything ingreat detail. I have to commend you on writing this one so well when you do not live out in the country where you can really enjoy the gifts of Autumn. I am lucky in that I do live more or less out in the country. It is nice. Thanks for sharing your beautiful poetry.
 — Twinkleeyes

Wow... thank you. You are too kind Twinkleeyes.
 — lonelygirl

It is a good poem for someone of your age but it is a very ordinary poem. It's plain boring. Nothing new in language or ideas. Nothing at all to savour.

I'm also unsure how leaves can gather at your feet as you walk?   L6 is redundant.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm staggered at the feedback you've had so far.
 — unknown

Recently Commented (expand)