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The Blind Man Blinds
unknown

my shadow
 1
 
 
has begun to seep through me,
 2
as though to drown. as i
 3
stare at its
 4
 
 
diseased figure,
 5
 
 
i cannot stop the feeling
 6
choking my control.
 7
 
 
my shadow is not mine, yet
 8
 
 
it clings to me, having no
 9
place to go.
 10
 
 
pulling me down,
 11
extracting,
 12
 
 
staggering
 13
beneath my trail.
 14
searching for the rest of me
 15
to seize.
 16
 
 
i should have helped it,
 17
but i never have. never
 18
brought it into hope, only let
 19
 
 
stumble through blindness,
 20
its black fog, the
 21
 
 
spinning shadow that never drifts away.
 22
 
 
away.
 23

21 Aug 05

Rated 6 (6.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 2
Inactive (1): 7

(define the words in this poem)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
FailuresArt
zackrabbit



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Comments:

I I I I I I I for 199 lines is boring to read when the language is so loose it appears to waffle and what metaphor and insights are used, are clichéd.
 — unknown

Well, thanks for your input. Sorry to bore you. Just tell me what metaphors are so cliched so that I can fix it. Thanks. :)
 — listen

This is the plague, it was fierce and sudden, no time to write this much.  Try to match your words to the vicious cutting off of the disease.  We don't have to know every breath or twinge, give it to us harsh and sharp.  It will be better that way.
 — Isabelle5

avoid - it does this because, but, and see - like the plague.
 — unknown

well ... thank you .... you want it harsh and sharp? i guess i do ramble. but you do understand that the shadow is the plague, right? how do you think i can keep that in?
  i guess i can cut some imagery out. any more feedback would be great, thank you.
 — listen

it is wordy with excessive and stupid phrases. i'll be sure to rework that. thank you. i'll cut those stupid phrases. thanks.
 — listen

excellent author insight: edit where you noticed the waffle. do it now! and if you're left with a prime number of words, jubilate yourself with an ice-cone.
 — unknown

thank you. i think i understand what it means to waffle, but if you notice i still do it, please tell me, so i can fix it.
  i thought about making the voice harsh, but i don't want to imply fear, and the quickness of life due to fear. i want it to be more of a reflection, even if long. i'll cut those rambles, though.
  thanks for comments.
 — listen

hope its better now
 — listen

ah .... i can't figure out what to part with to make this shorter .......
 — listen

what about this poem is dying to die ......?
 — listen

ah still cant figure what to cut
 — listen

any help great but i cant figure this out    .......
 — listen

ah, im gonna kill this i guess dont know what to do
 — listen

good for you. kill this poem, you damn pussy.
 — unknown

this fucking sux you whoredamn
 — unknown

okay, you know what? you're not helping me any. i would appreciate it if you would tell me something that i can use. okay? is that too hard for you? because what you told me was that you are very stupid, but does you stupidity offer me any chance of doing better? i don't think so. and don't cuss, either. i know people that can cuss, but you are not one of them.
 — listen

oh, fuck your mamma, damn poser shit
 — unknown

boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring ...... for 161 lines .... boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring ................................................................. .............
 — unknown

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. .................................................................
 — unknown

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz ................................................................. ................................................................. ................................................................. ......
 — unknown

You are extremely talented at boring the reader, I will give you credit for that.
 — unknown

whore piece of shit
 — unknown

constructive criticism?
 — listen

oh, yeah, you helped me tons ... any ideas on how to make this less boring, to whatever unknown said that? and sorry to put you to sleep.
 — listen

nice resolution.
 — hank

thanks. i really don't know what to do with this, though.
:(
 — listen

generally, my commentary on poetry is very much limited to "what i like" ... and i like this ...

however, here i will try:

perhaps take out
-"the trembling veins"
-"i have never helped it" (too many "it"s), also take out "it" after "helped" on L28

etc it could use some tightening, but i liked the imagery and feel
 — asklepios

thank you so much. i tightened it up. hope some day you'll read it again.
 — listen

Wow, why would you take the time to comment that a poem is boring, but not offer constructive criticism of it?  I like this poem, I think the edits have improved it.    Should line 17 read i should have helped it?  
 — atleverton

yes atleverton, but i was worried i was saying it too much. thanks for reading this.
 — listen

Wow...amazing poem. I love the fact that, towards the end, the poem starts to dissipate, as if the words themselves are diseased. The best poem I've read all day.

-Zack
 — zackrabbit

thanks zack. appreciate it.
 — listen

      I'm afraid that I must agree with those who found this boring.  The two main reasons for this are:

1.  The lack of technique

      The language is dead flat and, in many spots, outright cliché.  The line lengths are the typical faux dramatique cascade of short lines broken randomly (e.g. never break on an article unless the next line absolutely cannot stand another word added to it).  There is no attention paid to rhythm or sounds that I can detect.

      The only solution is to read a lot of GOOD poetry, read a primer like Mary Oliver's "A Poetry Handbook" (it's a quick read) and read some of the better critiques of other people's poems.

2.  The focus

      This poem is little more than a diary entry.  It never raises its head to peer beyond the writer's navel.

      I suggest a two-step solution.  First, don't use any first person pronouns in your next 100 poems.

      Secondly and perhaps ironically (given my suggested solution to problem #1), read a lot of BAD poetry.  Read the self-indulgent meanderings of other new poets.  It really shouldn't take long before the "writercentric" nature of their journal entries bores you as much as this will bore most readers.

      Don't take this personally.  Most if not all writers begin with the notion that the tropeless minutiae of their lives is fascinating to the rest of the world.  By becoming a reader (of good poetry or bad) you will soon understand the importance of writing FOR A READER rather than as "therapy" or as "self-expression".
 — drawniloc

this is definately an embarrassing piece of my former self. i haven't improved much since then. your criticism takes me to ground zero, so they say, but you got me for sure. you were right about all of it. (thanks.) i'll start where i can.
 — listen

all, right, drawicolin i'm going to post this recognizance because you have had me thinking all morning but for the wrong reasons. so it's appropriate i displace where my position is.

i agree with you on certain things. for example, i think that you are right to say that this poem is outright cliche. so what. this was a first piece, was it not? i leave this piece to the discretion of others, some who have liked it, and while i can't please everybody, i can at least please some and leave it the way it is. i'm not saying it's outstanding, and i'm not saying that it doesn't need to be rewritten. all of my poems need to be rewritten, as do my future ones, it's just a matter of getting to it, but at the same time i'm also figuring out new techniques to write new ones, you could say i'm at a constant expansion and haven't mustered the appropriate strength to rewrite the poem. granted i can attempt to write a poem with less cliches, but to do so would change the feeling that this timid little poem evokes, no matter how small,

and while on technique for the moment, let me tell you what i think of that .... you missed the miniscule rhythm, that of a decrescendo, used lightly so as to not disgrace the musical style. but even then you missed the rhythm of the content. as far as technique is concerned you are right, this lacks much of that, but i look forward to rewriting this and moving on to other pieces, and even designating certain pieces just for working on the broad array of technique.

now by now you must think i'm stubborn but i'm just stating my case, nothing more. you should know what i think of your criticism, that is, if you haven't already moved on to the greater and better. but if you do come back understand that you are helpful but i am not ready to employ every single suggestion you make because i have my own to try out, i'm still very new at this and i don't want to force it all because i really do enjoy poetry and stuffing a hundred poems down my visual gullet would be a mistake, would it not? simply because poetry is a delicacy. i think poetry can be used for many reasons, such as therapy, but the writer doesn't just write for himself, the generous writer writes for others that is obvious. but there is no need in saying that from now on all future poems should be written simply for the sake of another poet, not all poems are meant to be taken as seriously as such, but they are pieces of a person's works and so it is fair to post them and expect [brutal] honesty, so that way the poet can learn what not to do next time.

i know that i must elicit frustration because you probably think i'm rejecting what you have said, if you're still even out there that is. but i haven't. i like your advice of reading bad poetry and comparing it to good, but then again, mustn't i sharpen my ability to even discern the line between the two? that is important to me right now for sure, i need to segregate (but at least be able to offer a decent response to poems i find bad.) much of what you have said still hit the marks but this is my interpretation. i wish i hadn't used this time to write on my own poem because i could have been out there offering suggestions or compliments, or even rewriting slash writing slash understanding.

but as a close i appreciate you, though maybe your metaphor tropeless minutiae was a little condescending, you suggest that you think everything you say is gospel when in fact it isn't. (it is merely a two-word idea.) and nothing i say is even close to that previous religious word, but because i asked for your help i'm not going to take this any further, except that i will adopt your legitimate changes but understand your fee of a hundred poems just to write one is ludicrous, while it might help me to learn patience and teach me to work on a one-track mind, it would hinder me from writing which i do enjoy, but believe me, i read more than i write anyway, so do many people. it's an exchange, and it needs balance, but sometimes the balance of reading beats up the writing (nonetheless).

thanks, whatever happens from here.
 — listen

Wouldn't bringing the shadow into the light simply kill it?
 — unknown

well, this stupid poem is even more stupid by adding hope, because hope is always used in poems that practically spell out the obvious, but you're right about that, so at least i made a decent change. but i hate this poem. full of cliche and bore.
 — listen

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