poetry critical

online poetry workshop

in the green room

she sings childish songs
morphine duets
as the cancer
eats her bones

9 Aug 05

Rated 8.9 (8.4) by 11 users.
Active (11): 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (8): 1, 3, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(3 more poems by this author)

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aww shucks
that sucks
but the poem's nice
 — themolly

i'm so sorry. so sorry. this is beautiful.

perhaps children's songs?
 — noodleman

Oh, ouch and my God.
 — Isabelle5

http://poetry.tetto.o rg/read/14458/

http://poetry.tetto.o rg/read/16121/

http://poetry.tetto.o rg/read/10815/

you might relate cruellshoos.
 — noodleman

they were actually dirty little ditties--she was pushing 90.
thankyou nm, i was inspired by your tanka.
 — unknown

thanks for the links nm
 — unknown

This was a tragically sad poem.  
My grandma has cancer, so this touched deep.
Nice job.
 — eyesParadox

thanks for your poem, cs :)
 — noodleman

I absolutely love the idea of the old woman high on morphine singing raunchy tunes!  Spit in the eye of the disease and sing loud.  That's great!
 — Isabelle5

that was her alright!  much thanks.
 — cruellshoos

its short, but it has beauty.
 — divinity

it's short because it's tanka-inspired.  tanka are only 5 lines.
 — cruellshoos

this is beautiful.
 — unknown

 — cruellshoos

what does our tanka man think?
 — cruellshoos

 — unknown

morhine duets killed me.

Exceptional and heart crushing.
 — Narnia

depressing i loved it.

Line 2 aches with grief and irony.

 — unknown

Thanks for the poetic comments.

 — unknown

Since I've been coming to this site, I've wondered over how childish one has to be to give an unjustified low rating.  Doing that to a poem such as this is just obscene.
 — unknown

duh, by tanka man i meant noodleman, and he's already commented. sorry.
thanks, i'm used to the trolls.
 — cruellshoos


(not happy)
 — Erowen

whoops forgot to rate!
 — Erowen

It reminds me of "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana.
beautiful and tragic.
 — lacklusterrr

thank you.
 — unknown

In the great green room
There was a telephone
And a red balloon
And a picture of
The cow jumping over the moon.

From the book Goodnight Moon
 — propoet50

oh God. This is chilling. So real. It's good not to pansy up something like cancer. Everything here is cleverly worded and delivers a shock and a sadness. I feel lucky now that I'm alright. Thanks for the stark reminder not to take my health for granted.
 — bleach

 — unknown

tragic and striking. don't change anything.
 — SteelAngel

 — unknown

 — unknown

that kills.....owch.
 — Roquelle

Nothing amazing but good for the style. ~techno
 — technomancer

Like a pop in the chest.  Effective for a four-lined poem.  L2's "morphine duets" especially.
But the use of "childish" in L1 seems judgemental.  I say make the line "she sings songs".  That way it goes: 3 syllables, 4, 4, 3 (although L4 is technically 4 syllables, it feels like 3)

I give this an 8.
 — aurelius

this hurts...
 — GreenDreams

am i th'only one
who thinks the singer in this poem
is warming up for the
the "green room" is where (in the tv business) the talk-show guests wait
before they go out on stage with the host...

very good title
 — chuckles

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