poetry critical

online poetry workshop



O
kitkat

You left
 1
on
 2
an adolescent new years day.
 3
 
 
The world licked its lips, and
 4
cried for
 5
two.
 6
 
 
You left
 7
no remains, just
 8
some hair
 9
 
 
stuck in a hairbrush
 10
and a fear
 11
 
 
of deep water.
 12

9 Aug 05

Rated 8.4 (8.1) by 16 users.
Active (16): 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (32): 1, 2, 2, 4, 4, 5, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(3 more poems by this author)

(16 users consider this poem a favorite)
alana
AunknownGuy
barracudas
bettalpha
Cat
CervusWright
Champ
crepaway
GalvanicGirl
hank
Riverwriter2
rosiey
schotsy
themolly
Thorne
xxxLostxxx



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Comments:

um.  I don't know what to call this....I thought of 'the sinking' but it's not the right thing I think.  Hmmmm.  I also have an alternative posting, but I'd like to see what people think of this first.
 — kitkat

nice, nice poem. thank you.
 — hank

oh, love the title.
 — hank

i love the words. this is very sad. the hair is very poigniant and the fear is foreboding and could encompass much.

a couple of repetitions bother me, though and the cadence sounds odd to me. to me. perhaps i am reading it wrong. i did a quick rebreak though, if you want to consider it.

You left---------------------(when?)
on an adolescent---------------------(an adolescent what?)
new years day.

The world licked---------------------(what?)
its lips,
and cried
for two:---------------------(days is implied, and the duality of motherearth/child as well if you drop days)

You left---------------------(what?)
no remains, just---------------------(what?)
some hair---------------------(where?)

stuck in a hairbrush
and a fear---------------------(of what?)

of deep water.
 — noodleman

its L4 (it's is a conjuction for 'it is')

This is spectacular!

WOWOW
 — themolly

I'd take out a lot of the spaces, get it closer together for a bigger feeling of desperation.  Other than that, I like it the way it is.  Adolescent new years day, nice line.
 — Isabelle5

i love the pauses!!! brilliant lines....
 — unknown

Excellent. ~Q~
 — Quichemarie

Thanks all for comments and rating.  Noodle, thanks for the edits, I have adopted most of them....I particularly like your suggestion to drop the second 'days'.  Molly - thanks for noticing my bad grammer....I hate misplaced conjunctions!! ;)
tutti ha una tragedia...
 — kitkat

Um.  This was going to be the rest of the poem, but I think it weakens it no?  thoughts?:

Since then,

you invade my seventh sense.  My
peripheral eye
tells me

you, are

everywhere......and

yet

you are
unplugged.

And I
am

a float.
 — kitkat

leave it be. it ends on longing which is far stronger than floating. :)
 — noodleman

yes I agree.  the more i read that second bit the more i don't like it.  It is banished into the poetry void.  
 — kitkat

nice poem. reads heavy with emotion.

-light years of madness-
 — unknown

Thank you, I'm glad it reads like it is.
 — kitkat

excellent re-write ... the ambiguity of dropping "days" gives it even more significance
 — asklepios

subtle, very well done.
 — Kauf

this is about U, no?
 — Meep

i like the last 3 lines best
 — tragicbubble

Noodleman- I don't understand your comment.
For example:
You left---------------------(what?)
This question is answered on the next line---no remains. It uses enjambment to improve it's flow.
All your comments were along the same lines.

Sorry if you were just joking because I took you seriously. I hope this answers your queries.
 — winter

i love this poem so much! (10) and it's my new favorite! :D
 — Cat

Excellent.
 — Jsmiles05

---------------------(when?)

simply means the implied question preceeding a successful break.

the next line should answer it.

which is exactly what you have done.

sorry if that was confusing. it wasnt a criticism but rather an illustration of a particular system for constructing sucessful breaks.

love always,
 — noodleman

A very accomplished piece of writing - sparse yet poignant - the title works beautifully - my only question is the word 'remains' - sure, and then not sure - perhaps it sounds a bit macabre - though I see how it works as well.
 — opal

I loathe the linebreaks and structure, but the content is most excellent.
 — unknown

I love the linebreaks and structure, but the content is most eh.
 — unknown

this is good
 — unknown

Thanks for all the comments and ratings :)
Meep: This is a personal experience yes.
Opal: It has to be remains because that's what was not found.  Otherwise it would change the whole poem. (and I'm glad the title works - it has lots of meanings for me).
Noodleman: thanks for explaining your comments - I actually understood them, it was winter who was asking for clarification but it was a great lesson - I didn't know about making line breaks in that way.  You actually give a shit about making constructive criticism and I appreciate it. étreintes.
 — kitkat

ps: unknown I don't know what to make of your blog (!!) but I'm not in the market for a bellyfull of liquid gold...
 — kitkat

Hm. Very good. the form is perfect for the poem. The world liked it's lips,and/ cried for / two. the ending though, the leaving of hair and a fear of deep water. simple, deep and (leaves me witht at feeling in my stomach of nervousness, like being ona diving board and about to jump, because "deep water" are the last words in the poem) unsettliing.
 — Riverwriter2

Makes me nervous all the time river....and thanks....
 — kitkat

interesting way to describe commitment - "deep water"
 — Eschatologic

I like the style used here, but I think it needs a further push. Just a little one.
 — listen

You made me come back to this. Thanks.
 — listen

no, thank you listen.  I tried to push it further, but I couldn't. Eschatologic: deep water does not describe commitment here but yes that would be an interesting way to describe it.
 — kitkat

wow my first experience of one of the phantom serial "low raters" for poems on the top rated list!  Really, how much more important are comments and feedback than ratings!!  Crazy! guess it takes all sorts :)
 — kitkat

i feel stupid... i don't get it.
 — unknown

I didn't get this...
 — aforbing

try reading it literally ...
 — asklepios

you left
on
a pubesecent new years day


the world cracked its whip
and
denied you too






you left
no remains,
just some pubes


stuck on
my worldly lips

and a fear


of deepthroating
 — unknown

there are other sites on the internet for people just like you.
 — unknown

really...this hasnt a point...i mean, yeah, fine she left...but why, where was the reasoning...we're left to try to make up too many things to make it applicable...it was a nice try at a short "bukowski" but there are too many open doors here for me.
 — chrisgubbrud

Well Chris, my close friend and her boyfriend were murdered on new years day when I was 17 and their bodies were dumped at sea and never found....the prosecution used hair found in the boat they were murdered on to match with hair left in her hairbrush to convict.  Hope that gives you 'a point' to this poem.  and yeah i ask myself 'why' and what was the 'reasoning' every day....and there are too many open doors for me too, in a very different way, so I guess in a way you are right on the mark.

NB: Noodle: you can see why changing "for two days" to "for two" had more significance than you realised at the time....an inspired crit that was.

Kitkat
 — unknown

This poem is the literary equivalent of "just some hair stuck in a hairbrush and a fear" of good writing.
 — ersaph

aaaaand im a jerk...but how was i to know?
 — chrisgubbrud

this is where simplicity and stupidity gorgeously intersect.



narcissus prodicus
 — unknown

i must have read this about 7 or 8 times and i'm loving it each time... i like the simplicity and the easiness of reading it and the intensity and the heaviness of the emotion of it.
i'll just be the reader then, you can write...

-roxta-
 — unknown

I'm sorry Chris, you weren't to know....you just hit the nerve I guess...I hope the poem makes sense to you now anyway...
Thanks roxta...but you should write too :) take some words in, and give some words out...
NP: I'm going to take that as a compliment as I can't decide if it is meant as one or not, so I'm running with the glass is half full.
 — kitkat

I'm humming it.
 — Meep

I can hear you :D
 — kitkat

chris: does knowing the meaning of this make it any better for you?
 — kitkat

i love your poem
 — bettalpha

thanks betta :D I am afuzz
 — kitkat

i love your poem too :)
 — dedication

well, what i meant was 'i too love your poem'
 — dedication

oi. mr blogspott! who art thou?
 — unknown

thanks, and thanks, dedication.
 — unknown

i love it. (9)
 — sk8rpoet55

i like this its really good!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

whew!
Is so true...
It is wonderful.
a wonderful "Less is More!
 — schotsy

does any of this have to do with allusion- im a amauter writer trying to figure things out
 — unknown

well done.
 — 5foot3

knowing what it means (from the comments), it's a good poem, but from ignorance there aren't enough clues within the poem for it to be understood properly. It's trying to say something meaningful, and the backbone is there, but it's just too vague.
 — unknown

fair enough comment, but I think it is just vague enough, and given the subject matter I didn't paricularly want to be clearer or more explicit, as it were.
 — kitkat

Katie, this is wonderful, I wonder what took me so long to discover it
Thank you
maria
 — unknown

okay, okay, everybody loves this poem, but I don't get it at all. It makes no sense even after three readings. The title? Don't get it. The last line? Don't get it. The hairbrush? This poem makes me feel like a complete moron. That can't be good(?)
I'm going to get high.... yeh.... maybe that'll help.
 — unknown

why did the world lick its lips? Had it just eaten a good meal?
 — unknown

Simple, eloquent, and strikes deep chords within...  Beautifully done.
 — Thorne

Thanks Maria.  I'm glad you like it.  It is one of my favourites, and is always so nice to have comments from you.  Unknowns 1 and 2.  If you read the comments you will understand the meaning of the poem.  Thorne: thankyou.
 — kitkat

Did you edit this?

If not, I like it more suddenly.

VERY edgy but domestic.  LOVE it.
 — themolly

Anyone heard from katie ?
 — unknown

these links don't work for me, X...
 — chuckles

I'm sorry.  :-(  
Sweetly and adequately said.
 — starr

I like the image of the world licking its lips, though I was grasping for some context in which to place 'cried for two'.  Similarly, I liked the hair stuck in a hairbrush, but leaving a 'fear' was less concrete/less effective for me.  And with the title, I was expecting something about an orgasm.
 — marshponds

This deserves more than spam.  Very dreamlike, haunting.
 — unknown

Brief and beautiful.
 — dia

You had me at the title...what a grand shape/letter. 7/10
 — Henry

get thee behind me satan bot!
 — unknown

a definite WOW piece. this tells such a beautiful, cold, nearly haunting story through such eloquent words. incredible. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

And I keep coming back to this one, darling!
Beauthiful writing, methinks this is one of your best
Love always
Maria

and thank you for this poem
 — slancho

Not a bad poem, but could use better capitalization.
 — pelican

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 — unknown

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 — unknown

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 — unknown

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