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Armor and the Dying Thrusts of the Wretched
Estrella

The obscene show their horns again,
 1
in camouflage cloaks of dimpled folds.
 2
Freshman villains from the vilest of births;
 3
newborn nemeses of all pure beauty.
 4
I vow this will be the last hatching in this life.
 5
 
 
I will not allow one vacant face to smell my tracks.
 6
They will cease upon my swords;
 7
divine intervention at its most impressive;
 8
most indifferent display of power since the flooding.
 9
 
 
None shall pass.
 10

8 Aug 05

Rated 8.5 (8.4) by 13 users.
Active (13): 1, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (1): 8, 10

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Comments:

L9...wow
 — unknown

not so sure about the title
 — unknown

I'm a dork too.
 — themolly

hoooooo-kay.
 — noodleman

im scared.
 — noodleman

cloaks of cellulite? I just had trouble taking anything seriously after that, although i know it's supposed to be an edgy piece.
 — SteelAngel

did it gross you out?  it was supposed to.
 — unknown

so....it scared you.  great.
 — Estrella

creepy enough to give me the willies!
 — unknown

cellulite is a made-up word for fat.  I can't imagine a cloak of it with horns...takes away the rest of the imagery for me because all I can picture is some slob with a big old fat cloak.  What are you trying to slay, I missed the point.  Is it those who decry the beauty of things?  It's a little obscure.

Still, I love line 6!
 — Isabelle5

to me, when I think of this sort of entity in the body, I see them in a morbidly obese, shut-in enormous body.  that's why the cellulite.  can you think of anything that would convey the same revulsion without making this light hearted?
 — unknown

The wretched show their horns again,
swathed in corpulence, fetid flesh.

?
 — noodleman

hmmm...
 — unknown

Ok.  This has been overhauled.

Better or worse?
 — unknown

ooo, and do you hate the new title?

I like it betta
 — unknown

heLLo?
 — Estrella

someone tell me if this is better
 — unknown

yep.  it's betta
 — themolly

MUCH better
 — unknown

luvin the changes
 — tiedtoes

You sound like a noble king in a Shakespeare play and have created good work here.
 — larrylark

Thank you very much larry.  I was worried I hadn't done well.
 — unknown

nice!
 — unknown

I love this.
 — Hear

much different. no?

I love it!
 — BoundFeet

thanks
 — unknown

wow
 — unknown

thank you.  I was highly unsure about posting this.  It seemed to dorky.  I don't know what came over me.
 — Estrella

I fucking adore this.  Very original
 — themolly

thanks mol
 — Estrella

you're quite welcome my dear.

I'd like to see you do more stuff like this....darker stuff.
 — themolly

ha!  I'm sure you would.
 — Estrella

any suggestions for a title change?
 — Estrella

how 'bout wanton genocide?
 — unknown

no
 — Estrella

title change looming...help appreciated
 — Estrella

please
 — Estrella

thank you.
 — lyom

don't know about the title. i'm bad at titles...
 — lyom

thanks lyom
 — Estrella

'on armour and the unexpexted nature of humanity'
 — unknown

loved the armor part....I'm using it.

Thanks
 — Estrella

LOVE LOVE LOVE new title.....

but....the first line has wretched in it.  maybe you should change the wretched in l1 to something else.
 — themolly

deplorable?
 — themolly

eh?
 — Estrella

please mol..........
 — Estrella

obscene works.  so does the new title
 — Estrella

i'm just assuming since no one has answered me.
 — Estrella

fricking wow
 — tiedtoes

gracias
 — Estrella

willies?
 — unknown

willises?
 — unknown

awesome title. glad you used armor.
 — unknown

thanks
 — Estrella

I'm considering expanding this...

any pointees?
 — Estrella

Seeing something like this is inspiring. The comments are part of the inspiration to me as well. It is enlightening to see the trail of progress.
You've obviously (judging by comments) hammered this into shape and I, for one, like it.
L3 "villains"
-Nerva spell check
 — unknown

I really don't understand the imagery in this poem.  It’s a bit to vague for me to have a concrete picture, for example "The obscene…" are what? And "…camouflage cloaks of dimpled folds…" makes me think of folds with folds in them which really leaves me with a wrinkly cloak.  I just think it needs more words that allow the reader to consider an image, or something, so that it’s not just for the author to know the meaning of.  I don't mean this to be mean, because I do the exact same thing.
 — Change

thanks for the comments.  

strangely enough last commenter, this is one of the most visual poems I've posted.  Read thru the comments to see the evolution of this piece.  It became less literal along the way
 — Estrella

Oh gosh. You sound beastly! I bet your name is Patty or Brunhilda or Billy Jo. You also sound medivial. (I know I spelled that word wrong. And I'm not even going to look it up). 6/10
 — Henry

on the contrary henry, i'm quite delicate.  That's why this is so impressive :)

I'm trying to be beastly...so thanks
 — Estrella

In that case 8/10!!
 — Henry

ha-zaH!  thanks henry
 — Estrella

wow. i do see a similar motivation to my poem '666,' though i believe we're talking about different things. this one, though, i think has more edge. like it's sharper. i find mine somewhat close to whining. hehehe.
 — adhector

i like this post-revisions much more. glad i came across this again. good stuff.
 — SteelAngel

Please spell check villains.

I like Freshman villains.

As written, “all” and “pure” are redundant.  Perhaps you mean “…all of pure beauty”?

As (I think) the flooding was not a bloody event, I don’t think that bloodiest is the best adjective.

Consider letting the last line stand alone—put some white space between it and line 9.
 — unknown

i'm not sure i like it as much after new edits.  anyone have a comment?
 — Estrella

no? yes>
 — Estrella

Eehhhh, I guess it's growing on me.  I'm still a little leary of my closing.  Anyone?
 — Estrella

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