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it was a bird-watching book
bettalpha

balancing like a bird
 1
 
 
with stiff legs
 2
 
 
on an unsteady branch
 3

25 Jul 05

Rated 8 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (1): 10

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Comments:

I love this.

The body of the poem is haiku-like (not that I know the first thing about them)- it has a simplicity about it and is very visual. The metaphor works very well in creating a strong image and I can almost see the book teetering at an uncomfortable angle.

And then the title.  It's the punch-line to the whole poem but it comes at the beginning instead of the end.  It made me smile a lot. :-)  But retrospectively. On a first read, I took the title at face-value and read it straight. But once I'd read the body of the poem, a slow smile started and ended up in a grin.

This is perfect as is.

smugzy
 — unknown

Logged in to rate.
 — smugzy

Nice!  Just like the shelves my father builds!  (He is an ornithologist, how ironic is that?)
 — Isabelle5

hehee nice
 — Gabriella

really like line 2.
 — hank

LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
 — unknown

i like your poems
but a shelf is steady.
also it would be nice if you could get around using the first line.

since youre stating the factual in the title, which is interesting, i would just jump in with "it balanced like a bird...".  skip those first lines.  try it!
 — unknown

or skip the "it" and just change to "balancing".
i like that youre watching the book about watching.
 — gnormal

This is nice. It might be missing something, though. You could add a little more, unless you wanted to keep the flow the same ... which I like, of course. It is simple, and yet it get in your head.
  But, if you want to push this to its maximum, you could add a little more.
  Otherwise leave it. Small revisions might ruin it.
  Or maybe not.
  Good luck.
 — Hear

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