poetry critical : poem

blue spot

hank

there was a painter	1
on a ladder	2
seventh rung up	3
painting an entablature	4
i was looking on	5
over my beer	6
and over my crossed	7
propped up feet	8
and thought	9

how nice it is	10
to sit and watch	11
someone paint	12

then i noticed	13
that spot of blue	14
beneath the white	15
that the painter didn't	16
notice	17

all hell breaks loose	18
inside my mind	19

20 Jul 05

Rated 8.6 (7.9) by 26 users.

Active (26): 3, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (24): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(176 more poems by this author)

(23 users consider this poem a favorite)

AFKASimone
barracudas
bing
bohemian
BoundFeet
cowork
derelict_me
Dheroan
Estrella
eyesParadox
hostcest
insideout
kitkat
Mr_Private
pup
root
smugzy
sShelled
theair
thefatwon
themolly
topop
varun

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Comments:

i love this, only question the cliche at the end. great short piece.
— noodleman

ha. its hanky spanky panky.
— noodleman

haha. this is great.
the lack of punctuation is kinda
distracting at first, but
it lends itself well to the
general sentiment
of the poem.
— midare

The clichés are working for you.
— unknown

oooh. fancy accent egout person! :)
— noodleman

I love you, Hanky boy.
— unknown

no hes mine!
— unknown

Yeah? Well I FOUND HIM FIRST!!!!
— unknown

So what about the blue?  I like the relaxing pose and the casual scene.
— Isabelle5

hank makes all hell break loose
inside my panties
— unknown

ocd ocd ocd
— unknown

this is clever, and i like it very muchly
— Lia

i don't Feel found.
— hank

OCD anyone? You'd probably kill yourself if you ever watched me paint.. heh Nice little scene though.
— Cloudless

i don't have ocd. maybe oco.
— hank

i thought heaven existed inside a girls panties.
— hank

haha, that means i'm in heaven...
— Lia

I really like lines 1 - 12 but I feel like the end swtiches the mood too quickly.

grats on writing a poem that actually makes me WANT to watch someone paint.
— AtomBombJohn

I love this poem.  Peronsally, I like the quick tone change because that's what it's like.  My only comment would be in the third stanza.  I don't like the repitition of the word 'notice' and I'm not sure you need to say it the second time because it's understood.  :-)
— eyesParadox

I'm so like that. XP
— aura

Good, well observed, work on the ending,its too obvious
— larrylark

very fine piece.  very frank o'hara.  very nice rime on entablature/beer.
— jitney

the ending MAKES this poem.  It's not too obvious.  and the think the cliche sits fine.  I keep clicking on this poem cos i like it :)
— kitkat

I like the cliche at the end.  DON'T change it!  This is REAL nice.
— themolly

WHAT THE F IS THE BLUE DOT!!!!!!

I've tried asking politely, now I'm asking again not nicely.
— Isabelle5

I like the poem. The image worked for me. I had to laugh though because I have been the person that missed the spot :-).
— sleepless_mn

Isa...

the blue dot is a spot beneath the white paint that went unpainted.

duh.
— unknown

Well, I knew that!  That's really apparent but what about it?  Okay, Hank, sorry, but so what?  They missed a spot!  I am missing some point to it all.

Or maybe there is no point and I'm using a hammer to put up a Post it.
— Isabelle5

Don't worry about it Isabelle.  It's just a cliche exasperation.  A lot of people's relaxation would be completely spoiled until that blue spot was painted over. You are quite entitled to be free of such a hang up.
— unknown

Yup, post it with a hammer!  lol - it's so clear now, except for a little blue dot in my head that will make me crazy.
— Isabelle5

...its dumb and it makes no sense.
— marchhare

why had someone painted blue the part of a classical temple above the columns between a capital and the roof?

then i noticed
a spot of blue
showing through
the painter didnt
— unknown

This is perfect.
— BoundFeet

Hi Hank,
This is a bit of a nonsense poem, would you agree?

The painter was. Past tense of the verb to be?

That may be, but I got the distinct impression that you were in the present.

Not to worry it is only poetry.
Unfortunately, he was painting as you put it ‘an entablature’
Entablature to the best of my recollection encompasses the architrave, frieze, and the cornice.
An hardly seems appropriate.

Lines 5 are you actually looking on the entablature, if so should you not be looking at the entablature.

You say you noticed the spot of blue under the white that the painter didn’t notice, past tense again even though the painter is still painting.
I suppose you are right all hell did break loose, when the painter tipped a pot of white paint all over your head.

A poorly thought out exercise of little poetic merit, I would score this poem 5, if I were rating poetry.

Arminius Prodicus
— unknown

THIS IS SO FU*****G good.
— Estrella

this is great until the last lines, isnt there some other way to represent the cliche?
it would make it so much more interesting, which it already greatly is, and then the ending is a let down because, it doesnt really FEEL like an ending at all.
— duffyj83

Are you obsessive compulsive? It seems a bit over analytical
— unknown

it's a simple story
— hank

good stuff. creating a complacent scene and shattering it to pieces :) i like this.
— SteelAngel

even pilots turn blue. like the new sea.
— hank

god how i've laughed over this. thank you all for participating.
— hank

i can understand the feeling. it would drive me wild, too.
— Lia

Ok, very nice...But now you MUST go back (brush in hand) and have this irritation removed. Please.
Randi Susan
— unknown

This is funny for me. It reminds me of insanity, for some reason.
— Hear

Brilliant!
— tiedtoes

It's so simple, I love this.
— Hear

i like this....
— rakulman

i was sent the link for this poem a long time ago when i wasn't a member here...
i loved it. then i forgot it. i've come back to it and that made me happy...
and so did the poem.
you write well mate.
— varun

thanks varun. the compliment comes backatcha.
— hank

this is one of my favourites by you.
by far, the reason(s) it is...
and thank you.
— dedication

'they' found a blue spot on mars shortly after this poem was written.
— hank

ah. the kind of painter my best friend used to date.
rather than the kind i used to date.

she fell in love again while we were travelling.
with a lighthouse keeper this time.

his lighthouse is blue, with a white spot (light)
some coincidences you just don't see coming.

if this had been written by me. i would have found it hard not to finish on.
inside my pants.

yes i love this. you have lightly painted a scene. which is easily visualized. the propped up feet help. nice touch. noticing a blue spot is like looking up at a building to find someone looking down at you. or noticing there is a spider in the corner of the room though you had your back to it.

we all experience things like this. and can relate i think

though probably don't need the last two lines.
but i don't object to them strongy.
— kaleidazcope

hm. aren't 'pants' in england actually 'underpants'? that's cool kal. thanks.
— hank

yes they are underpants hank. not trousers.

or they are panties. which i've always liked because it sounds saucy in a heavy breathing kind of way.
— kaleidazcope

now you done it! saucy and pantys in the same sentence! ah, i gotta go to da dogs.
— hank

actually, paragraph. or sentences. anyway, you connected them.
— hank

have fun. stay clear of yobs.

and put a quid on number 3 in the 7th to win.
it just popped into my head.
— kaleidazcope

will do, but do they run in the rain?
— hank

oh aye. it should be fine. tis only drizzling. might make for favourites losing and underdogs winning. which could be financially lucrative if you strike it lucky.
— kaleidazcope

rippa
— pup

Excellent, wot.
— Roz

wow, new people. cool.
— hank

I like this a lot.

I like the immediacy of this, the conversational, almost intimate style that draws you in. The last two lines seem to express "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh" in a more poetic form and I like them.

Did you hear about the so-called Mongolian blue spot? It is present on the backside of Asian babies but usually fades with time. My 3 children all had one as they are half-Chinese. Legend has it that a mythical old woman living inside the mother's womb gives the baby a boot in the backside when it's time for them to leave the womb, hence the blue spot. Just thought I'd mention it as your poem brought it to mind.

smugzy
— unknown

does the old woman get her boot back?
— hank

Not a boot (noun) but a boot (verb) up the backside......get it?! :-)
— smugzy

yeah hank, get it?  hahaha
;) kitkat
— unknown

yeah, i got it. and i really Wish that lady would come and retrieve her boot out of My ass! (maybe i should pull it out myself and sell it on ebay)
— hank

oh wow! nice rythem. very sticcato, i like it.
— jittery

I love the mental image this gives! its really great. Interesting how you played with this total relaxation to the hell that breaks loose. I find this kind of poem one which you can draw a lot more analysis from that is really meant, which I LOVE about poems! This is really wonderful! I love watching ppl paint. Thank you.
— topop

Very nice  What about the tense change in the last stanza ?
— sexfear

what is SO damn special about this poem????
— unknown

if you don't know you are here by mistake
— unknown

this is really nice.
and do not give heed to those who request punctuation, it certainly does not need any.
— unknown

"all hell breaks loose"?

Where is the imagery.

Cool, there is a guy painting an "Entablature".

What the hell could that have to do with anything.

Just a thought, who holds a beer under their nose while they have their feet propped up.

I mean, unless this person is on the porch of an apartment in some olden city with entablatures, he's being some jerk off at a restaurant table, with his feet propped up.

I read the title of this and was like "Blue Spot", hell yeah, that could be bangin'.

Great job.
— Notecompsure

OCD?
— unknown

Shame about the weak ending, but overall I liked it - nice one!
— Danno

Great poem, I love the flow and the t sound and the o sound and p sound "crossed  7 / propped up feet  8 /and thought". Brave work on the "entablature".  Perhaps I missed the whole meaning of the poem, but I agree with AtomBombJohn in preferring lines 1-12. Could you have finished it there, just a suggestion.
— akendrick

great great work.
— Mr_Private

between 4 and 5 and between 9 and 10 there is a complete disconnect.
the poem gets lost constantly in wordiness.
line 10 is archaic usage.
virginia woolf already described "the spot on the wall."
if you want to see how to do what you seem to want to do...then read that.
— axdxaxm

L13 noticed should be notice, shouldn't it?
L14 "that" would be better changed to "a"

great poem, love the wry humour.
— inutile

no on both accounts, but thanks.
— hank

hey axdxaxm, did you learn all that in a book?
— hank

Very nice...thoughtful.
Everything but the last two lines is past tense.  Intentional?
The "all hell breaks loose" isn't as fresh as the rest; doesn't stop me from liking it though.
— housepoppy

Hank,
Yes I did.
— axdxaxm

i wish it would rain in winter, so i could run wild...
— unknown

couldn't it be as simple as rain in winter?
— unknown

very cool poem still getting comments.
— stint

I like it, because hell would break out into my mind.  The line works for you better than it would for most poeple.
— fallinforyou

too many lines
— unknown

and too many words in your critique.
— hank

Hah... perfect image, great metaphorical flexiblility for such a simple occurance... feeling.
— unknown

this could be an amazing poem, I suggest you re-write the ending and make it so. very good stuff.
— ErinConnery

great, really got me at the end. Well done for making something extra-ordinary out of the ordinary, this is just the kind of slice of life that we can all(or most of us can) relate to. thanks for sharing!
— icepineapple

hehe. obssesive-compulsive disorder. cute :)
— bohemian

hehe
10-12 are great
i'd rather in L19 than inside
just a preference
great poem!
— chuckles

almost like OCD. counting the ladder rungs, then freaking about the missed spot.
— sunshinesgf

i know exactly what you mean.....i hate noticing little things like that all the time
— thefatwon

hahahaha
that's pretty amusing.
i liked the last couplet a lot.
mmm,
i mean, it sounds cliche,
like a really trite phrase,
but the way you used it is beautiful!

one complaint:
"noticed" in line 13, then it is in line 17 again. it feels weak. perhaps choose a different wording.

fun stuff; thanks for the read.
steve
— steveroggenb

come again?
— hank

yes, i've come again, i'll admit.

i'm not sure how many times i have come across this poem, but i have liked it every time. i see this poem frequently on the recently commented list, but wondered why i haven't commented yet. so now i have.

basically, i just thought i would add to the list here. this is a well done piece on many counts, though i can't really count all of the times i've been here, reading the poem.

nice work, anyway. i wouldn't change anything. just so smooth.
— listen

thanks listen. i remember you.
— hank

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— unknown

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