poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Ugly Hormones
unknown

ripped
 1
there is a crack in me
 2
it's deep
 3
 
 
if you look in there
 4
you will see
 5
i am really not that pretty
 6
really
 7
the picture of pity
 8
you looked in there
 9
at all
 10
to see
 11
 
 
love is leaking out
 12
on the couch        
 13
all over the bed
 14
every night when i sleep
 15
my libido was taken up months ago
 16
my skin's gone back to high school      
 17
so
 18
 
 
i am less than before
 19
i am less flooding the floor
 20
 
 
somebody come to help me
 21
somebody come to stop the leaking
 22
 
 
i'm          bleed ing
 23

21 Jun 05

Rated 2 (7) by 4 users.
Active (4): 1, 1, 3, 10
Inactive (4): 8, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
noodleman
silverchyld



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Comments:

This almost sounds like that disease where you bleed out of every hole in your body until you die.
 — pennylane

Ebola - not pretty, neither is this.
 — unknown

sucks.
 — unknown

Wow.  Is that true?
 — Estrella

You changed the title but the content is the same.  I don't understand it so I can't rate it.
 — Isabelle5

isa,
what is there to not understand?  this is about someone who has lost their love.  NOT a person that they loved, but literally their ability to have love has gotten away.
 — unknown

Is it better?
 — unknown

i don't know if it's better, but i like it.
 — unknown

i would strike 'all my' from 9 and lose the spacing in 17 but otherwise quite powerful.

veddy good.
 — noodleman

thanks noodler
 — unknown

betterfulten
 — noodleman

I love you, noodle.
 — unknown

I adore this poem [I've written here before but I don't know if it was accepted], and my fave line is "my skin's gone back to high school   so"  Mind gripping.
 — silverchyld

i wrote this after reading a friends work about nightmares.
 — unknown

Although the poem is powerful it is also completely negative having created a stark scenario where the speaker berates his/herself senseless, your choice of words here are apt and convey a feeling of loss of life in its basest terms with strength and style.
The poem is vague in places and meaning is lost but IS undeniably striking:

"i am less than before
i am less flooding the floor"
 — Kauf

Thankyou Kauf
 — unknown

a little different.  Is it improved??
 — unknown

nice flow. i like the two opening i's in the fourth stanza, it feels innocent. very sparing but delivers a startling situation, and message even, message of crushed love.
 — listen

thank you
 — unknown

Umm, nope.  Nothing there.
 — unknown

no offence but that poem sux make a new one!
 — unknown

how could that not be offensive?
 — unknown

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