poetry critical : poem

inhale

midare

Last night,	1
reading from the pages	2
of your memories, I	3
fell asleep	4
with the lights on.	5

With limp fingers, I	6
had been attempting	7
to ink in	8
the holes that time	9
had eaten through	10
your	11

remembrances --	12
your signature	13
your handwriting	14
your	15

painful	16
distances	17
and	18

your	19
glaring white spaces	20
between the	21
letters	22
in the margins,	23
where	24

I had	25
scribbled in	26
the stories	27
of what had happened	28
before the accident,	29
where	30

you and I	31
slowly extracted	32
the glistening shards	33
of heated words	34
from your	35
paper-thin	36
skin	37

and smiled.	38

___________	39

for a friend of mine, who has long since touched blue sky.

20 Jun 05

Rated 8.2 (8.1) by 48 users.

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(define the words in this poem)
(68 more poems by this author)

(81 users consider this poem a favorite)

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Add A Comment:

Comments:

I love it!
— unknown

thanks, unknown. : ) anyone else?
— midare

Oh wow.. this poem is just.. I can't even describe it. I guess it just hit something deep down. Beautiful. 10. Fav.
— Cloudless

This is a truly great lyrical poem.
— larrylark

This is beautiful. I'd rethink the structure, but content and diction is flawless. Well done, very well done.
— silhouetted

when i woke up this morning, i had just turned 17.  i can't think of a better birthday present.  thanks to everyone who commented -- if you only could've seen my face when i read your notes.
— midare

anyone else with commentary? :0
— midare

beautiful
— unknown

Are you certain about saying you want to reconstruct the holes?  You have to find a way to say you're trying to remove the holes, don't you?  The holes are already there.  You mean fill in the blanks of the holes.

Happy 17th.  I was already engaged by that age.  DON'T DO THAT!
— Isabelle5

thanks, unknown -- and isabelle, i don't think i've ever had any plans like that ^^.  i only just realized what you were talking about -- thanks for pointing out the 'reconstruction' error.  i changed it to 'remove' for now, but that seems like such a weak word.  i'll have to think more about it.
— midare

agh.. i hate posting limits.  the next peice is waiting to come up.  i was hoping that wendz would come by and see this.
— midare

Happy belated seventeenth. I am so very envious--I wish I wrote like this when I was seventeen. Better yet, I wish I write like this now ^_^.  Does this relate to 'wednesday'? Lines thirty one to thirty three make me think so. The footnote is absolutely beautiful; poignant and sincere.

This is such a lovely, lovely poem. I hold off reading it, because I don't ever want it to end, and I don't ever want to get used to it. I want to feel the same melancholic joy every time I read this, and the fragile hope of the ending, the completely honest tone in  which this is told. Maybe I read too much into this, but this is simply exquisite. A poem's poem. :) Very well done.
— wendz

thanks, wendz. ^^ yeah.. this is related to 'wednesday'.  call it part two of three.  nine hours and eighteen minutes until i can put the last peice up.  it's all coming together -- i think.

ps. fuck whoever gave this a 1 without posting.
— midare

I really like the inking in change.

Yes, we all hate the posting limits.  I have two babies birthed yesterday and I have to wait 2 1/2 more days.  In the meantime, read and comment on a lot of other poems, leave your name, spread the work around.
— Isabelle5

lovely piece. i would ony suggest rebreaking (unbreaking) some lines. you be the judge of which, though.

good on you.
— noodleman

thanks, noodle.  i'll take a look at the jagged edges and see what i can do.
— midare

Beautiful, I especially loved the last stanza.

Morgan Kauffman
— Kauf

you're on a roll, midare :)

roll on.

noodle
— unknown

wow, you are 17 and can write like this??  you're gonna go far.  that poem was meant to be written :)
— kitkat

love the imagery and the structure
— Gray

wow.. thanks to everyone who recently commented on this.
kauf, the last one was my favorite, too;
noodle, i'm just trying to live up to your example;
thanks, kitkat, and welcome to pc;
gray, that's the one thing i need to work on.
i'm glad you found it acceptable.
— midare

Im 17 too... and you blow my mind... incredible piece
— hearmyheart

Nice and tight.

Perhaps take out "tragic"  - line 31.  This kind of accident is always tragic.

I don't quite get your format here, maybe tweak that a bit.

Good job
— cynthmala

**NICE**  Perfect.
— themolly

aw.. thanks, hearmyheart and themolly.

cynthmala: i agree. the structure is rather
random, and ragged. it's probably because i
wrote down the words as they popped into
my head, rather than contemplating
their actual positions. i like it like this,
and i don't think i'll change it --
but your input was appreciated,
and i took the time to go back
and make sure that i wasn't just
seeing things.

ps. i like the word 'tragic' because, sometimes, accidents like these
are rather comical. i was attempting to get the point across
that, maybe, things like that shouldn't seem so funny. :(
— midare

i love this poem. thank you for such a good read!
— lonelygirl

Very WCW. I am thinking modern imagism. Was that the intent? I am uncertain what I would take out, but I think it would be good to bend this into a few less words and keep with the low diction. Well done.
— joecifur

oh my.  this is wonderful
— BoundFeet

brillant, simple brillant!! every line perfectly thought over and the structure is simply excellent.
— dolly4114

brilliant. i'm lost, i can't say anything, very good poem!
— Odin

wow.. thanks to everyone who commented. i'm sure this means as much to her as it does to me.
— midare

wow, great writing.  I especially liked how you chose to end the poem:

you and i
slowly extricated
the
glistening shards
of heated words
from your
paper-thin
skin

and smiled.

Well done!
— Meadow

first thing i noticed was that you had no Capital leters .why? Does it symbolise humility?
I love particular phrases of the poem "acidic time".It has an especially poignant tone .
— lodza

thankee, meadow.
— midare

lodza, thanks for reading this -- but i get the feeling that you're reading too deeply into it. :) i just have a deep dislike for using proper capitilization. don't ask why.
— midare

Well I read you poem such as it is, I was looking for the artistic quality that you apparently are so proud of.

Unfortunately, there appears little to justify your expressed high opinion of your self at least in this posted work, maybe you have others which could be considered of a higher quality.

This work is obviously just a grade one-prose exercise with line breaks, are lines break in your considered opinion the ultimate art form of poetic expression.

Your last stanza from line 34 to 41 is probably the poorest, I draw your attention to (extricate) one can extricate vapours or even extricate ones self from an unpleasant situation, one normally extracts a foreign object from ones skin.

I am not impressed, but there again does it really matter.

I seldom if ever bother reading second-rate poetry if I can possibly avoid it, I obviously made a mistake by reading this particular unworthy art form.

Arminius Prodicus
— unknown

Usually this kind of skinny long structure makes a poem seem really choppy, but yours has lyrical flow. It's beautiful.
— misswyoming

thanks, wyoming.
— midare

Beautifully written, especially love the final stanza.  Great work!
— lauran

aw.. thank you, lauran.
— midare

Really nice work, wow!
— unknown

thanks, unknown. ;)
— midare

yeah. you rock. :)
— noodleman

Midare

Why?
Jus messing with you
Lodza
— lodza

heheh.
— midare

perfect..
— desired_mind

thanks, desired.
and thanks, too, to that unknown who gave this a two without posting.
i hope you feel better.
— midare

i am so in love with this it really touches me umm.. what can i say this is an amazing work of art you are truly a writer im giving you a ten this poem made me want to read it over and over again to view what you were saying and make sure i understood fully this reminds me of a friend of mine but she isnt dead in body but she is liong gone in soul and has changed fasr to much i believe to ever return back to the person she was 10
— speech_less

What about the extemporaneousness of your grammatical and contextual flaws, are we to see a remedy or an explanation perhaps for your bazaar lexicological arrangements.

Arminius Prodicus
— unknown

speech_less:  thank you.

arminius:  thanks for offering up a detailed analysis of this particular peice of prose of mine.  i changed extricate to extract, as per your comment.

now, as an explaination for the bazaar arrangement and construction of this work, you hit the nail right on the head with your earlier statement: this is pretty much garbage.  i used the line breaks in such a fashion because that's how this rolled off of my head and onto the page.  they maybe manage to convey poetic meaning through vagueness and uncertainty; i'm not sure that they accomplish either, though.  what they really do is make this look longer and more thought-out than it really was.

they make a really good disguse for sub-par prose, too.
it's hard to know that you're being shafted when you're concentrating
on three or four words at a time.

it's hard not to feel a little bit bitter when someone spits ichor, but i do remember that this is poetry CRITICAL.  so, thanks, for taking the time and having the voice to speak out against this when, apparently, only one other unknown did.  trust me -- i'm as surprised as you were to see this near the top.  i'll give it a couple more days, but then it's off to retirement and anonymitity.

-mid

ps. you mentioned grammar mistakes?  currently, my eyes aren't seeing anything glaring.  if you could take the time and point them out to me, i'd be more than happy to correct them.
— midare

Midare,

It is nice to see a poet respond in a mature and sensible manner to a reader’s comment, instead of the more than usual personal insults directed back at readers commenting on what they may perceive as mistakes.

However abrupt the comment on the poem, it is always the poem that is under consideration not the ego of the poet.

Regarding the grammar, I think it more a case of myself not adapting to the modern trends in writing, old fashioned I may be, but if I  were ever to have occasion to receive  business correspondence couched in such formats from perspective employees the letter would have invariably gone straight into the rubbish bin.

For what ever my comment is worth, I think your current poem deserves to be in the top rated with the other leading poems.
Best of luck with your future endeavours,

Arminius Prodicus


— unknown

Wistful, beautiful, timeless.
— Caducus

beautiful and poignant. The postscript is a poem in itself.
— raman

sorry, but I was bored. ok writing, just not my cup of tea I guess.
— unknown

damn. people been beatin the shit outta this, bud. welcome to hell. :)
— noodleman

Pretty. Good. Pretty good, geezer.
— junky

Too many words, though. Cut a few yours. It's implied. (9)
— junky

thanks, everyone. i think i needed a smile, and a reminder that it's time for this to disappear. :)

-mid
— midare

This is beautiful, the flow is perfect.
— madderhatter

heheha i love this
— unknown

thank you, both of you.
smiles.
— midare

what a peach!
— RandiSusan

thank you, randi. :)
i enjoy your works, as well.
— midare

I like it, I like it a lot.
— TheJediPimpz

thanks, pimp.
grin.
— midare

Hey this is a realy good poem. I can relate to this . Good job!
— starzz

Nice job on this .. I like it
— LaLa16

thank you, starz and lala. :)
— midare

beautiful
— meth_angel

damn midare, I can't believe you are 17 and responded with such maturity to Arminius Prodicus.  I would have told him to take his pompus arse and just jump, because this is a place for constructive criticism, not contemptuous criticism.  I still love your poem everytime I read it.  It makes me soul sigh :)
kitkat
— kitkat

I lost both of my parents two years ago 1 month apart and I just want to say that this is the first poem that has described how i have felt almost every night thinking of my parents.  It makes me cry. Thank you. Ilove it. I will share this with my sister too. Beautiful job for a seventeen year old, or anyone.
— unknown

this has a beautiful clarity of feeling that rings out like a bell - linebreaks like this have to be very carefully handled and by and large you have done a great job.
— opal

I hope you realize how great this is.
— themolly

I hope you realize how great this is
— unknown

thanks, kitkat.  i'm glad this means as much to someone else
as it does to me.

unknown poster, you have all of my deepest condolences.
it's always a regret when parents
pass out from your life so early.
if there's anything i can do, please
just let me know.

opal, i'm glad you approve of the line breaks.
i honestly just try and place them
where they're needed.
(if that makes any sense).

themolly, i'm just trying
to live up to the example that
countless precedents have set.

thank you, everyone.
midare
— midare

woah! you are seventeen!? i'm just a year younger than you. anyway, this is great. you are so talented. i feel... mediocre.
— electricity

i um.........worship this.  wow
— tiedtoes

Thank you . This is how I have felt for the past two years almost everynight when mourning the deaths of my parents!  It really is excellent.
— Riverwriter2

electricity:
not mediocre
more like..
'different'.

tiedtoes:
hahaha.
that made me smile.
thanks.

riverwriter:
same still goes,
if there's anything
i can do.
— midare

perfect, enjoyed.
— Kauf

thankee, kauf.
— midare

:) awesome!
— unknown

thanks, sir unknown.
— midare

It really bothers me that none of the 'i's are capitalized. But other than that, I like this.  I must say though that I like your footnote better than the poem itself.
— unknown

beautifully poignant imagery, midare
— asklepios

You show some talent in your work, a lot more than anyone could expect. This poem could be better if you had other poems as good as this, or better. Keep writing.
— unknown

thanks, unknown.
but i don't think i understand.

what does the quality of any of my other peices
have to do with the quality of this one?
— midare

Whoa this is impressive
— Estrella

thank you. :)
— midare

All of your poems sound the same, it's a boring style. That's all I meant by the quality of this poem.
  Don't get offended. But you could be better if you just tried. Not that you will, I see now that you don't seem to care about how good you are. That's fine, you're not amazing.
— unknown

finally! i got here!
love this. only stopping point for me is "limp fingers" -- have a hard time seeing that one

i see, too, that the infamous unknown has dropped by -- worry not -- that creature has been leaving the same boring comments on poems all over the site. no guts for signing comments, as well as lousy same-old, same-old critiques.
— Bloodfetish

Beautiful one of my favorites.
— Shainah

aw. thanks, bf and shain.
— midare

i like this. i would love to make love to you while you recant this.

btk
— unknown

I see no rhyme or reason to this work. The layout seems to follow no pattern. Please explain to me so that I can understand (a) what form of poetry this is (b) what is the (to me) haphazard layout trying to achieve. (c) The sentences are very long and seem almost impossible to recite

Are the spaces a new form of punctuation or have I totally missed the plot.

I liked the theme. Keep writing

Peterbee
— peterbee

thanks, peterbee.
*stretches*
okay, lets see if i can do this in order.

a: as i'm not too familiar with the different forms of poetry abound, i can only attempt to loosely describe this to you.  i think this would be more 'prose' than real poetry, but it's not completely one or the other.  i wrote it with the different lines streaming off the top of my head.

b: the bazaar spacing, at least to me, is attempting to convey the nature of the poem.  i was trying to emphazise the comparison of fading memories to a time-worn book.  or maybe a grubby book.  one of those five-cent novellas that have missing pages and missing text.

c: if you read it grammatically, then yes. *grin* that's something that i just noticed, actually.  if you read it like the line-breaks are punctuation, it seems to flow better.  but thanks for pointing that out.

i hope i've at least partially answered your questions.  you can send me an e-mail if you'd like to attempt to clarify more.  *grin* but something tells me this isn't worth it.

ps. thank btk, i'll keep that in mind.

smile.
midare
— midare

i cant help but liking this, nice wording, nice flow, beautiful.
cant stop reading. favorite.
— listen

wow
— hardenedpain

man i read this poem a few times... since i'm a reader with a short attention span, you kept me here till the last words AND made me re-read... THREE TIMES! so you must be a good writer! :)
fucken brill write...
— unknown

medium
— unknown

I think the line breaks really disturb the flow of this piece. I really love the
second stanza..good work :) I also think appropriate capitalization would be helpful.

Here's how I would do the line breaks (I tried to keep many of the larger breaks, which felt metaphorically important, such as the spaces above and below "distances"):

inhale

last night, reading
from the pages
of your memories,
i fell asleep
with the lights on.

with limp fingers,
i had been attempting
to ink in the holes
that acidic time had eaten
through your remembrances --
your signature
your handwriting
your painful

distances

and your glaring
white spaces
between the letters
in the margins,

where i had scribbled
in the stories
of what had happened
before the tragic
accident,

where you and i
slowly extracted
the glistening shards
of heated words
from your paper-thin
skin and

smiled.

-JennyAnn
— mamakittyx2

Ahhhhh, delicously delicious.
— Leanan

This is very good...It's very touching....I would dedicate this to a friend of my mine who has also touched blue sky too...I love it alot...Its getting a 10...Going into my favorites also....Great Job...
— GoThIcSlUt69

amzing
— alltherage

Bittersweet...
— A4midabl1

loves it
— unknown

in the morning
i sit on my throne
and allow my innocent
generous cheeks
a moment to
wallow in the sensation
of the cool interface
between flabby skin
and porcelain
well poised am i
as i take deep breaths
as i steady
my contribution to
the cesspool below
gurgle plop plop
splash
gurgle plop plop
splash
installments
of nature
delivered
promptly

i smile relieved
and
skip away quickly
proud of
my monstrous
vandalism
for all
to see

narcissus prodicus
– unknown
— unknown

Gawd luvaduck narcissus prodicus, now a poem about faeces?  But it was clever I must say..
— Caro

Sorry Midare, I cannot comment about your piece because I don't understand your format and that includes non capitalisation.  This of course is your choice.

But..may I?  In one or more of your comments  you used ...bazaar I presume you mean bizarre? and peice is spelt piece.

Cheers Caro
— Caro

hahaha.  thanks, caro.  i actually did mean bazaar, though--like the marketplace.  my 'bazaar' arrangement is just like throwing random things together to sell.  as opposed to bizarre, which would just make my arrangement simply strange.

cheers.
midare
— midare

i can see the burn
— tomasROCK

this is simply beautiful, written in a very interesting, simple and effective way.  I love the pauses and the choice of lower case ... the footnote probably adds just as much to the mood as the poem itself.  Lovely, very very lovely done.
Maria
— slancho

midare, im only just realising your goodness.
— Lia

nice work.
— mould_jesus

aaaah....I love it...

-nubian
— nubian

I LOV IT..............................

-angel
— unknown

beautiful
— heartforsale

This is really touching! Great work! It really touches you  read it.If it doesn't,....well then you need to go warm up your blood or register with the jerks!!! And you said you are 17????WOW, it sounds like you have a lifetime of memories! Well done!
— Twinkleeyes

so honest and truthful to voice.  i love this....it sinks in deep.  the italicized comment at the end made my eyes fill with tears.- k
— pghpoet

borderline coffe shop.. but i like.
— nomad-haiku

This is a favorite. I love it.
— schotsy

Brilliant stuff. Well done.
— DeathShards

it would not be as good without the explanation at the end,,, but that really makes it a better poem.  I would suggest new line breaks, or less line breaks in any event.
— unknown

i lovvee
— bloodytearsx

great stuff

paper-thin
skin

i liked it
— modioperandi

good poem, good imagery. what happened to your friend?
— infinity

forget my last comment, im an idiot, im probably not seeing the big picture here
— infinity

love it
— unknown

hits a nerve, for me at least. normally I'm not a fan of so many lines, but it works here to make the flow a little choppier.  Fits the tone very well.
— oblivious

Possibly a perfect poem!
— Dark_Spark

I think the real beauty of this poem is in the simplicity of the words. No elevated vocabulary or strings of prepositional phrases could have put this better. Between the simplicity and the honesty, you have a poem whose proper adjective of admiring amazement will likely elude me all my life.

and for the sake of all that's good and pure, keep writing.
— phyridean

Wow!  You write like I did when I was 17!  Nice job!  Images, sentences, etc...just nice.  I like the "glistening shards of heated words from your paper-thin skin."
I'm 41 now.  The years fly by, but the poems keep you "tender and youthful" in spirit.  Keep on writing those "jewels."
— starr

love the stanza spacing
— topop

that was beautiful
— heartforsale

awww
Nice? I guess...
— unknown

beautiful
— miteOFfakdIT

There seems to be no point in putting all this white space. This is essentially prose. Let it be prose! Make it a paragraph and don't be ashamed.
— synej

"for a friend of mine, who has long since touched blue sky."

Like that the most, although not a part of the piece itself...

Poem seems to be read in a hushed tone w/ a british accent. I hate it.

Down w/ pseudo-art. 's a nice pice in sloppy format.
— unknown

You could also read this with a slam style. It'd be incredible. The short line breaks and occasional rhyme scheme create this feel. Try reading it out loud next time...without an accent.
— phyridean

beautiful, so sad, i could really feel the emotion which i hardly ever can from poems.. its made me really wanna read more of you work, which i will
— Bobby

this is very good i love it!
— imurgirl

Beautifully done. I love the last stanza and the footnote, incredible... it took my breath away...
— lonelygirl

the poetic 'shards' has had its day
— unknown

speechless
my tongue
searching for words
to explain the unexplainable
to speak the unspeakable
and I think
and I search
for words
but my tongue still hangs loose

10
— tearsofblood

beautiful!
— ducktape

I almost always love your work, but this piece...

It's overtly choppy. If you put in less line breaks, as Arminius pointed out, it's nothing but prose.

A beautiful theme delivered deceptively, and holding so much promise.

Alas, I'm slightly let down. Still, a stronger poem than most on this site. I'll give you a 7.
— teo_omega11

Awesome!!
— unknown

i give you a 10! on this one!!!!! <3
— iloveyoo

this is incredible
— unknown

I'm tranfixed
— unknown

i wish this poem went on forever :)
— FrayedSkirt

this is very good. the emotion hits like a january breeze. cold and unwanted, but in the end its comforting to know the wind is still blowing.
i don't know if i like ln 14.
i know i love lines 22-25
good work
— awake

lovely.
— dismantleme

wow fave it must be
— archie

This is beautiful.

the first stanza made my day.

-galv
— unknown

absolutely great on so many different levels
— youreapoem

i'm not sure about the structure of the poem...
but this is beautiful! more more more!

<33 xoxo
— colormetink

if i had one wish it would be billy collins
— unknown

Beautiful, delicate work
— Mercedes

this poem is a gift from the gods.I liked it. i have a lot more to say but...my fingers wont let me type....

ps keep it up dude ur skilled
— bobmarlie9

I sooooo LOVE this poem! I had some trouble with the line breaks that made my 'inhaling' more like panting rather than a long gasp, but other than that, this is an awesome piece of work. I really love it!
— Nkem

touched blue sky?

?

omg!
— unknown

let me guess, you drugged her, the condom broke, and in a matter of minutes on Jerry Springer you realized she was the girl of your dreams but she wanted nothing to do with you. oh you are fortunes fool
— TheO1dCrow

i like how u seperate. each line is another word sometimes 2
it gives it character
— mariamaria

i really like this.
props.

10.
— comicalLUST

thank you.
— midare

34-42 are beautiful.
— Mai

i am indifferent
— unknown

Perhaps the worst poem i have ever read!  10/10
— MrTom

I enjoyed this poem. It is clean and clear, and I did not find the line breaks distracting in the slightest. Nice poem.
— Maela

Made me want to cry in the most welcomed way.
— WordsAndMe

wow, this went up a year ago.
i'm so surprised i've been here this long.
— midare

This poem is magnificent.
— DeathShards

thank you death shards. <3
— midare

a few changes to this.. blah.

midare
— midare

i love the footnote...and the poem
— unknown

I really like this !! I love the beggining !
— UNDERAGELOVE

I thought i had commented already and maybe I have, but the extended metaphor is so well sustained it deserves another mention.
— opal

47 users commented!  52 consider this a fave!  You are top rated at this moment!

Congratulations!  Isabelle
— Isabelle5

and isabelle claims she doesnt care for people's opinion
— unknown

What are you talking about?  I'm excited that someone is #1 for a great poem.  Of course I care about some opinions, are you crazy or something?  I love when good poems get honored.   It's what the ratings are really about.
— Isabelle5

I think this was the first poem I ever favourited. I gave you a 9. It is now stuck up on my wall.

x
— musicwords

very touching...
— cohoyo1

this is more than deserving to be on the top of the ratings.
— xChelseax

Puts images straight in your mind - it is intimate - and familiar
— dia

It's beautiful.
— trafalgore

thanks very much, everyone.
i'm sure she'd be happy.

grin.
midare
— midare

intresting poem...i like it
— crazy

It is no wonder that this is one of the best known poems of all time.
— unknown

This is beautiful. Lyrical and holding my attention. I wouldn't change a thing.
— Nostalgia

You wrote this with such care, for every word meant something to the image you constructed. Your friend would be proud I think. Thank you for sharing this, it really touched me
— Kellie_Fern

I love this - I commented too, but i can't find it - I think it vanished when I obliterated everything a while ago - tbut the metaphor of the ink on paper and the way it enlaces with the memories of the person is class.
— opal

Beautiful dialect. I only had problems with the choppy feeling it has. The story behind this poem is wonderful, but I would suggest pulling it together, possibly rewriting your ideas or adding more so the read is more of a flow than a stutter.

I really liked the poem. With a bit of work, it can be tightened into a true masterpiece! :)
— Amalgamadora

Wow.. im no poetry expert, but i know when something comes from the heart.. and this is a definate pearler..
— emoischronic

beautiful
— dab

acidic no, caustic yes

will comment more when I have time

definitely one of the top 3 poems I've read on this.
— prosadeprisa

wow loved it
— unknown

I like this poem and I hope this helps
Take out the word "acidic" from line 10.
For the same reason take out the word "tragic" from line 31
Also in lines 35 and 36 decide to take out "glistening" or "heated"
for example "you and I slowly extracted the shards of heated words" or "you and I slowly extracted the glistening shards of words
remember less is more.
— Tentative

I really liked this. =) you earned my 10
— XxArsonxX

thanks, everyone.

tenative, while i do realize that less is better... :)
sometimes a few extra descriptors are needed,
which would then make them not-so extra and redunant.

for example, "acidic" in line 10 is a descriptor
for "holes" in the previous line, which wouldn't make
as much or give the same impression if it were just "time".

same with tragic; not all accidents are tragic,
and i wanted to stress the tragedy, here.

although you may be right about the last stanza...
i'll need to think about it.  thank you, again,
for your insightful comment.

smile.
midare
— midare

Midare you don't need the "descriptive" think about it. If you wrote "with limp fingers, I had been attempting to ink in the holes that time had eaten through" then people would read it and see that you have described time as "acidic" this is much better than to use the adjective acidic and spell it out. But do what you want, its your poem. By using the word "tragic" you are teling the reader how to feel about the situation instead of them working out the effect from the later lines.
Adjectives are rarely the friend of poetry. They often overtell. But like I said do what you want you don't have to listen to me. The only reason I posted was I genuinely liked this poem and wanted to see it at its full potential, and I believe my suggestions would be an improvement on what is already a fine poem.
— Tentative

haha, i never meant my response in a beligerent way, tenative.
it was supposed to be a nice response... even so.

i'll take a look at it and see what i can do, y'know?
everyone has lots of suggestions.  sometimes i just have to decide
when and where to stop listening, where my poem stops becoming my poem.

give me a few days... i'll see what i can do, honestly.

midare
— midare

actually, i'll just change a few things now.
if you'd like to stop by again, do you have any suggestions for the line breaks?
i kinda like them how they are, but again, i do recognize that they are jagged in a few places.

midare
— midare

Thanks for making the changes, sorry if I came across as rude or arrogant or even upset with you- I assure you I am neither of these. Midare you are right with so much advice being given it's often hard to know whats real and whats not. Thats why I applaud you for using your own discretion in deciding to edit this. You show maturity by being able to take constructive criticism and thats a rare thing these days especially among young people (which I still am just). As for line breaks, punctuation sorry not my forte but I will have another look at this soon and hopefully have some ideas then. All the best -Tentative
— Tentative

thanks, tenative.  best of luck in the future.
— midare

tentative.  i've spelled it wrong several times now.
apologies.
— midare

i like this,somehow it seems like something i can,connect with.
<333
— late_Dawns

Line break between 11-12?
What do you think?

I still like this alot midare :)
— Tentative

good call on the break there.
much better.  :D

smile.
midare
— midare

KInd of bla. But it is very differnt.
— BondageLover

Wow, this poem makes me want to cry. It's so beautiful.
— MaryH

simply huantingly beautiful. i love the cold feeling but at the same time it was filled with love, like how you feel after a loved one's death...you feel terrible but its because you loved them so much as you still do. the only suggestion i could make was that to me, your beginning seemed cliche and uninviting. nonetheless, beautiful last line. be very proud, i'm certain that your friend is smiling at this up in the sky.
— lanezfairy

i can picture this being a beautiful song...nit one of those over instrumental ones but more of an acoustic lullaby...it is indeed beautifully written...and ur footnote gave me goosebumps.i don't know why,but it just seemed to tie it all in.
— Mirror

it was damn good poem, well done, the lay out was strange, to many lines, good word play and descriptions, nice one...
— GLyons

Great Poem well done...Great use of image and metaphor.
— Arymill

Flawless.
— ronin

thank you, everyone.

smile.
midare
— midare

so glad to see this again.
— varun

Agreed.
— WordsAndMe

Wow.
— Courtney01

Beautiful, reminds me of someone I once knew.
— lisac2333

that was gr8
— unknown

thanks everyone.

smile!
midare
— midare

It's the last stanza that makes the whole thing worth it.  And I like the structure -- swift, elegant, modern.
— aurelius

It's all very poetic, that's the whole point, I guess. But talking about it in the way you have, makes it seem like you were a distant observer. Someone who has been watching and writing, rather than feeling and living. Abstract isn't necessarily bad, but here it's a somewhat alienating presence. It feels like a cold description
and depiction of something that used to flame with fire. The cut-up structure seems to stress the scheme, the calculatedness of it all. A poetic design diverting the attention from the reality of loss and pain, the emotions of experiencing something as 'absurd' as an accident. Maybe I'm devoid of empathy, but I didn't feel a damn thing reading your poem. I blame that as much on myself as on your poem... (4)
— unknown

Whether this poetry or not is matter of debate.
However, from a reasonably good start, the whole exercise seems to fall apart in the middle, and like the proverbial house of cards it never recovered.

Mor.
— unknown

deep!
— crismonblue

I really like this poem because when I read it I have this imagery of my head of what's going on. It truly has a real kind of beauty to it (literary speaking) =]
— Acid-Rainbow

Aw, it's so sad. I like it. =)
— ashley87

I wasn't in the best of moods tonight, so I got on PC just to read this poem; for some reason, this piece evokes an emotional reaction that can completely turn my day around.

Thank you, midare.

Teo.
— teo_omega11

Beautiful. I wouldn't change a thing. Your words expressed an emotion that I felt as I was reading this. I love it! I think you wrote an amazing poem.
— CherylAnn81

I love your use of line breaks here and spaces between words. That really does more than people think and you have chosen your word placement wisely. I love the second stanza - also when you talk about margins - I get a picture of that because of the small stanzas and frequent spaces. THe look of the poem adds so much more to the content of it. It all works together - powerful.
— papermoon

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