poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Entering Puberty

She lies in her bedroom
pressing down her breasts,
as if that might return her
to earlier days,
Days long before wetness
and cleavage and curves,
when dress up clothes
hung over her like bags
and the only thing to enter
was his finger.
But today, he noticed.
It was the snake that
penetrated her, slithering
up into her
cursed moistness.
And then, unlike the
giggly days of "let's pretend,"
he walked out in disgust,
leaving only her soul
And thus she lies there,
binding her breasts
and shaving herself back
to childhood,
as cherry juice and
snake venom weep
down her thigh.

9 Jun 05

Rated 8.9 (8) by 21 users.
Active (21): 3, 6, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (47): 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 4, 4, 4, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(14 more poems by this author)

(42 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


Ouch. Speechless. Not sure what to say.
 — patrice

This poem does have a way of rendering one speechless. I don't even have to ask what it's about. Some sharp images.
 — Aimee

I might change a few line breaks, though.

She lies in her bedroom  1
pressing down her  2
breasts, as if that  3
might return her  4
to earlier days,

She lies in her bedroom
pressing down her breasts,
as if that might
return her to earlier days.

 — Aimee

Thanks Aimee, I'll make the changes and see if it helps.
 — Quichemarie

How's that?
 — Quichemarie

I think the most vibrant image is the last three lines.
Brutal, but very powerful.
Great Job
 — madderhatter

This is an angst ridden poem with the vicious taking that sometimes is involved in sexual relationships .this has a garden of Eden feel ,she is banished from innocence and there is no way to return. Impressive final stanza which i always feel is the one that can make or break a poem.
 — larrylark

Wow... It was...insigtful , seems like you really know what your doing.<3
 — Br0kenInside

anyone for jesus juice?
 — unknown

 — unknown

Absolutely devastating.  The children playing doctor grew up or something much worse than that but told simply and matter-of-factly.  Cherry juice and snake vemon are some of the best descriptions I have ever heard.

I feel wounded.
 — Isabelle5

wow. raw and vivid. heartbreaking. (10)
 — SteelAngel

I really like this poem. One thing makes me stumble, though. Line 9-10 are a little bit sudden and confusing. Vague is usually good, but in this case, lines 9-10, who? It's a little confusing.
 — OKcomputer

Holy shit, was that her father?  This is brutal.

19 and 20 to not have the ring of truth that the rest does.

That gerund verb comment again.

Not sure I like the repeat of days in 4 and 5.

I think it would be much stronger to bring "cursed" down with "moistness", and if "back to" was brought down to "childhood".  

See if you can find ways to replace some of the articles and/or pronouns with valid adjectives.

Not rated yet.
 — housepoppy

i really like this poem a lot.  sooo good....

but i don't get the last 3 lines.  cherry juice is blood, but what is snake venom??
and it the blood from her period?

even though i don't get them, they are written amazingly..."weep down her thigh"...god that's good.

i also love "shaving herself back to childhood".  wow.  this is amazing!
 — unknown

You have to imagine the cherry juice and the snake juice as the female and male fluids, I think.  The snake, great image here as not only the breaker of innocence in the Bible but the one she was supposed to trust in her life.  

The more I read this, the more I want to say Hush and Oh, Darling.  And do a lot of rocking and holding tight.
 — Isabelle5

*biting hand* arrrgh.... Housepoppy, you are assuming I know grammar and what a gerund and an article is. LOL I told you I wasn't educated, just a simple girl.

Ok, I love you advice, but I have always had issues with gerund verbs (those are those "ing" verbs, right?) When I attempted to write haiku, I had the same issue. How do you make it sound "right" without an ing? Educate me... please. ~Q~

Thanks for all of the comments. I appreciate them, and yes, it was "her" father.
 — Quichemarie

That's fucking foul. hahahahahaha.
 — ramher

The reason this is so disgusting is when she puts 'her' in quotes... well you can guess the rest.
 — ramher

ramher, are you talking to me or about me? ~Q~
 — unknown

Wow, this is different than the rest of your stuff. The subject real mature and it made me speechless.  It could use some sort of tweaking every now and then, but this is really good.
 — Gabriella

i ve been flossing myself to adulthood
 — unknown

Yeah, I'm talking to you. I'm your daddy; I'm back for one last taste. ;o!!

Ough, out of line.

Jail me.


 — ramher

Snake venom...

so THAT'S what it is.
 — Rhein

I love it for the crudeness.
 — Rhein

I really adore this. It's relateable. 10.
 — Leigh

phwoar.. brutal and amazing.
 — sweetlemon

this makes me want to masterbate
 — unknown

there are some sick commenters on this poem. It's heartwrenching.
 — unknown

 — Angel_Garza

Very good descriptions....I like the image it gave me....I remember when I use to try and make my way back to childhood...but now I dont even bother because it wont happen.....I really like this poem....good job...
 — GoThIcSlUt69

I love this- 10
 — unknown

I love this.
 — Krttika

I have a feeling if I were a girl I'd be praising this piece with tears. Not perfect, but the poem captured me. Perfectly descripitve. I have no choice but to give you a 10. Excellently dirged into form.
 — Eschatologic

 — honeypot

2 minor nits:

children have nipples so i get tripped at

Days long before wetness  5
and nipples and curves,  6

try cleavage.

and this would be a stronger break:

And thus she lies there,
binding her breasts
and shaving herself back
to childhood,

content 10
style 9
form 8
= 9
 — noodleman

9=really fuckin good

by the way.
 — noodleman

Noodleman, thanks for the suggestions. I've made the changes. Thanks everyone for the positive comments. ~Q~
 — Quichemarie

damn good poem. plus 1. (10)
 — noodleman

noodle:  where you said you get tripped at:
"Days long before wetness  5
and nipples and curves,"  6

because children have nipples, well women's nipples stick out more when they mature.  thought you should know :)
 — unknown

yeah ive noticed that, but poetically speaking, the less one needs to think during this sort of raw, edgy poem, the better.

but yes, you are correct on the headlights being brighter later. :)
 — noodleman

one tiny tiny thing: 24 no longer needs a comma. a full strophe break is sufficient, and more elegant.
 — noodleman


Damn good, that is.
 — meaka

What the hell?! It was her father? I thought it was a guy she knew since she was little...damn...
 — meaka

I wish I could rate it 10 39843924038294323 times. Favorited.
 — meaka

thats awful, great poem, but awful....
 — unknown

I adore the last two stanzas. Haunting imagery. 10!
 — sit_and_wait

oh wow. this is amazing. this is one of the best poems i've read in a while.
 — unknown

Im a teenager, and everything you wrote about seems so relevant to me, and as a guy, it just brings a different perspective to everything i do... thanks (10)
 — hearmyheart

a bit disturbing, but terrific.
The images in the last stanza are really unforced, which makes it real special.
 — mr_e

Ten, 10, Bo Derek, how many fingers we have, The Eight is Enough kids plus 2 parents, 5+5=, Tin take away the I and replace with E, the time I go to sleep at night, how many little piglets there are if you have twins = what I rated this fantastic poem! Grand work, Grand work!
 — BlueRock

Thank you for the wonderful comments. I know this is a "awful" subject and one that people don't really want "in your face." But hearmyheart you made my day when you said that you're a male teenager who has a different perspective on what you do now. The reason I write, well, one reason I write, is to give a voice to the suffering and hopefully to end this type (hell, all types) of abuse. Yes, it is disgusting. Let's be the generation that ends it. ~Q~
 — unknown

Yeah, people on tetto are going to end molestation across the globe. No. Surprisingly, nearly every child is molested... that's just in the cards. People are sick.

What you don't see is that it's not getting better. It's getting worse.


Congrats on your high-rated poem.
 — ramher

ok 3 times ive read this now, and all the comments... snake venom and cherry juice are male and female fluids, not bloods from her period right? and were u talking about her father... wow...wow... great great poem, one of the few that ive really looked in to...
and you did make me think twice about what a girl feels when im with her...
 — unknown

I am intrigued by the comment from Unknown who mentioned how he might feel differently with women.  As long as you are not their father raping them and as long as the women are of legal age, saying yes, don't worry about it!  You're in the clear!
 — Isabelle5

wow... i like it. its really good. i give it a 10.
 — blinx

*Whoa*That is devastatingly deep*
 — themolly

doesn't everyone want to go back to childhood? :0
 — midare

I like the honesty in this poem .It's simple ,true. I think you should have a fullstop after line four not a comma. In Line 16 I don't think you really need the "And " "Then " is enough. In line 21 "thus " just doesn't seem right ,it means something different to what you are trying to express. I hope I helped
 — lodza

ditto aimee and patrice. very strong language, excellent choice of words, paints a jaw-to-the-floor disturbing picture... very very nice
 — misspanda

i love the last three lines
 — besbetworstX

I feel that the title doesn't suit the poem, unless "puberty" means, when a girl looses her innocence. And in that case I would still think about changing it if I were yopu, but I liked the poem itself, it was discusting and real, so I added it to my favs.
 — starwars

kinda graphic but uhh good
 — onestepshort

this is one of the really good poems that truly deserve to be on the top rated list. i've already given this a good rating, i only wish i could give it another.
 — Lia

this poem gave me a stiffy.  10 POINTS~!
 — unknown

 — themolly

you seem to have confused tenses, esp. in line 11
 — Lia

Wow, I'm almost speechless, almost. A seven, very good poem.
 — TheBecoming

If you're (almost) speechless, it's no 7.

-Chinsy scores give me sores-
 — unknown


Bad sex isn't that good.

But good sex is great.

 — opium

this brilliant...wow, a fav  
 — Odin

Wow.  This poem is excellent.  In the third stanza, though it says, "today he noticed" but the poem was not saying anything about him hot noticing, just how she looked and felt, perhaps there could be a mentioning of how he acted towards her before, what kind of attention she wasn't drawing...more of a transition between , "today , he noticed" and the fourth stanza  could also help. "But today, he noticed",leaves off and does not say what he noticed, he breasts her growing into a woman, (but put in your own  poetic words), I just feel something is missing here becasue it was not the snake that he noticed.  The way it is it makes it  sound like  he noticed tha  snake, rather than that being his response to noticing her.  These emotions can be very intense, and I relaly feel that this poem is fantastic and could go a little bit deeper into what he noticed about her and how this made her feel to be recognized as a woman finally, and then the rejection will have an even more powerful affect as we will understand her hopes and expectations more or if she doesn't want to be noticed that way, it will indicate (like if it was molestation and she wanted to hide her growing breasts or somethiing like that ???) It makes the reader wonder her perspective, what kind of attention she was  hoping for.  The fifth stanza a surprized me, it is a quick transition which works because it  gives the reader the impression of the impact of shock and hurt.  Yes, the last stanza is great, especially becasue there is a story here and then the abstract metaphors which creat powerful visuals and the points of view of the two  people involde relating to her body. Great job!!
 — unknown

Oh man, that first stanza is stunning -- but the snake metaphor is a bit overwrought. I hate to judge the poem on it's content (because the poetry really is good here), but it feels a bit cliche. Emotionally wrenching, yes, but it still cliche.
 — unknown

Wow. This poem is incredible. I had a mixed emotion when I finished it... actually I felt very violated.

Good work. Only a true poet can tap into someone emotionally AND physically.
 — FireFlySam

Too sensual. This poem is overrated.
 — unknown

A powerful commentary.
Lines 25-27 are amazing, AMAZING.
21-24 are wonderful...but I almost didn't get there b/c 12 & 13 are just too ordinary and rather obvious. Please give me something richer here; I really love this poem.


And now the cobra has entered, (or penetrated)
slithering deeply
into her  
cursed moistness.  
 — unknown

That was so heartbreaking!
 — winter

wow... thats how i feel so much of the time. congrats, this i like
 — greylin

This is the first poem I have read on this poetry line. WOW!  From the first word to the last I was hooked.  I would not change a word.  I love the metaphors...'Snake" and 'Cherry juice'

Excellent!!  Caro

p.s. what is the average age of the members here?
 — Caro

 — unknown

Very excellent. 8* and on my faves. This is so well visualized. I can feel the brutality in the harsh, and quip words. Great. Im speachless really.
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

images. shit. so good. damn...

yeah. i like it.
 — mould_jesus

i dont think it's cliche at all, and I can't understand how a poem could be too sensual.

I love the term "snake venom" and him leaving in disgust so perfectly captures the shame and guilt sex offenders leave their victims with.

so painful, yet necessary...thanks for sharing this. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I believe these images need to be conveyed, need to be seen and heard and understood by EVERYONE.
 — mamakittyx2

the woodsman cometh
 — unknown

 — unknown

this is really nice i like it!!!
 — ICPChick420

Wow, strong work
 — unknown

You should read Projection By Keith Ablow,
 — unknown

Speachless, a horrfic subject portrayed terrifically. A very good piece, nice work
 — hobby

 — unknown

that is so unfair, why are there so many inactive 9's and 10's keeping this poem from being rated higher, IT's INCREDIBLE!
 — hearmyheart

that ending is sad and very gruesome.
in that sense i guess you got your point across. well done.
- gears
 — unknown

this is the best of the random poems i'v eseen
as for non random--it sucks

shock value

cherry juice?

are you kidding?

ok all you gals out there. lets dispell a myth now shall we (bet a man wrote this)

how many of you bled (ok. forget the cherry juice bullshit) - -but how many of you actually bled when your hymen was perforated?

how much blood if any at all?

someone been reading too much celestina, apparently

ok so what has 'actually' got to do with the poem?

dunno. beats me. maybe suspension of disbelief?

maybe metaphoric melodrama

who knows. i dont'. the last stanza is pure -- and i' mean pure bullshit

anyway., there is more stuff here --

like 'cursed'

this is one o them poems that shocks the reader into paralysis/passive reading.

so what

like who is 'he' (i did not read all the comments)
and why is HE disgusted

and why are her breasts bound

is she like a book?

oh. i get it. she's yentil.

oh no. sh'es kurosaki.

oh no. she's  . . . cherry fukin marichino in chinos


i think this really suks. even as a piece of reportage.

ok. my opinion. if you don't like it -- print it out, tape it to your balls

and then blow on yourself

 — unknown

I really LOVE this poem.... very good insight..

<3 AmAnDa
 — w0und3d

It's fantastic, sad that some people are rude about such good poetry. The last few lines are amazing. Well written, well thought out and incredibly intruiging.
 — Thea

I too am speechless, what a sad story, vividly written, tears came to my eyes while reading it. well written
 — flaminhot

i have to write a short story for my english class, in high school, and i was wondering if it would be alright if i used a few lines from your poem in the story.  Certain lines, even tho i read this months ago, still stick in my mind and they would fit so perfectly along with the story, im only asking so that there is no copyright infringment, plagarism is a big no-no at school...
 — hearmyheart

 — unknown

o have to do a poem for school...and this is a good inspiration
 — unknown

cherry juice and snake venom. chilling, this poem is very sharp
 — humblebee

 — unknown

good work.
 — hairlessclam

Absolutely powerful and beautiful writing.  :-)
 — starr

Ooops...forgot to rate it..."10."
 — starr

Top Rated (expand)
Newest (expand)
  • You’ve Seen Things
  • Society
  • such power
  • Mein Kampf
  • all's clear on the third front, sir.
  • Crucifix Cunnilingus
  • Distant magic
  • with a kiss
  • choices
  • My idea of heaven
  • her tits like grenades
  • stab 4: sensate black
  • Already I remember being young
  • the not-quite-so-dead cod
  • will you have a drink ?
Recently Commented (expand)
  • Crucifix Cunnilingus
  • I would soothe your anger.. (working title)
  • all's clear on the third front, sir.
  • Fever In The Pink Hotel
  • Self Medicated Cry For Help
  • Society
  • Mein Kampf
  • Ancient orange dog...
  • such power
  • Sexy Question Mark
  • My idea of heaven
  • her tits like grenades
  • if he's so smart, why do they call him confucius
  • Disaster
  • Totally Lost It.
Recent Best (expand)