poetry critical : poem

Luna Waves and Woman's Blood

Isabelle5

Rattling in the wind,	1
I walk along the ocean edge,	2
printing my feet in sand and shell bits.	3

Waves blow wet kisses at my cheeks,	4
their open seams like white whiskers,	5
laying gifts of seaweed and foam	6
at my heels.	7

The sun glances down now and then,	8
preening from behind her privacy	9
screen of grey cloud	10
as though afraid to hide her face too long.	11

The birds that run beside me	12
with bright eyes	13
scream at each other	14
as they dash after muffin crumbs	15
dropping from my hand.	16

The ghost day-moon tugs at my blood,	17
pulls tides within me;	18
I feel the waves' ragged dark edges	19
blowing against the back of my soul	20
as I print the ocean edge in sand and shell,	21
the taste of salt and foam	22
at the back of my throat.	23

8 Jun 05

Rated 8.1 (7.3) by 20 users.

Active (20): 1, 1, 1, 7, 7, 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (29): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(159 more poems by this author)

(11 users consider this poem a favorite)

BoundFeet
Gabriella
JustineCH
marieF
scarlet_muse
ScuroMarco
Shavedcunnie
SteelAngel
TheRose
varun
woman_power

Add A Comment:

Comments:

Love the title. It caught me and pulled me in for the read...and the read was worth it. Very well done, Isabelle.
— Quichemarie

isabelle, i loved this. one thing, and it's simply my taste only: i don't care for "mustache." for me, it sort of killed the mood. but the rest is just lovely.
— Catbox

How about whiskers?  I want a feathery wispy word.
— Isabelle5

I like whiskers :) ~Q~
— unknown

mmmm...i love "white whiskers" in line 5...very nice.  i didn't read this when it said "mustache", but i think it would have killed the mood for me, too.  good edit.

i really love this poem.  a lot.  i especially like lines 4 & 5 and 17 & 18.  sooo good.  LOVE LOVE LOVE!!

a beautiful work of art :)
— woman_power

whiskers=good. nice edit.
— Catbox

oooo, that was nice. i think i'll reread again. wonderful!
— SteelAngel

Pretty, etheral even. They say the Moon affects the tides and that both affect us. The imagery is great. Somehow I get a feeling that if you'd set the scene in the evening or at night, it might have been even better, more hauntingly beautiful. But regardless, I loved reading this a lot! Well done!
— wamblicante

Boy... can I relate.  I'm on the rag right now as a matter of fact.  Riding the red sea.  Gotta love it.  Thanks for pointing this one out for me.  After all, I am a moon child.  (BD's coming up mid-July, I'm a textbook Cancer)
— unknown

muffin crumbs? I like that!

Lovely imagery.
— Wix

THIS.... is beautiful and one of the best pieces I have read on here. The content, the imagry, and the title, are simply divine. I truly love this poem
— Gabriella

  another piece of melodramatic overemoting poopoo for all the bruised and battered souls out there - please post your poems at every support group ASAP.
— unknown

The goddess needs no support group but she might have to sneak up in the night and slap your stupidity, Unknown.
— unknown

i hope she does then i ll write her a poem about my vexed face.
— unknown

Love the ending, actually took me by surprise! Well done great work!
— Dark_Spark

This is nothing.  There is not really a point I can find.  Was this a beginning, ending or just a jotted thought
— unknown

Too lazy to come up with your own comment, Unknown?  That's the comment I left on Laundramat to ask the poet to consider that the poem has no action, nothing to sink teeth into.
— Isabelle5

i love u viscera!
— unknown

Incredible collection of ideas and imagery, very well written.
— Meadow

this one was quite beautiful, its like i could taste the ocean myself as i read. quite enchanting
— crabbyoldbag

NIIce
— BoundFeet

"The ghost day-moon". Amazing.
— sit_and_wait

Should it be imprinting? The language is clichéd and you sort of carry it off.
— unknown

I like print because her feet being printed into the seashore, not imprinted on it, which implies, to me, that the she is becoming attached somehow.  She's just passing along the edge, leaving a temporary mark.
— Isabelle5

Imprint: a depression or a concavity in a surface produced by pressing.
— unknown

Print: a picture or design printed onto a surface.
— unknown

Therefore it is print onto and imprint into.
— unknown

absolutely beautiful. I know exactly what you are talking about
and the words have a wonderful rhythm - like the ocean you describe.
— kellybelle

i think its a gyno thing? muffin crumbs indeed.

good writing ma'am.
— noodleman

oh its you! good.
— noodleman

I'm feeling so lit up by the nice comments!  Thank you all so much!
— Isabelle5

there's no point-
you make a decent scene, but forget to give a reason
for the reader to enter said scene.
give it some substance
— unknown

The point is the waves, the moon, the tugging within the woman.  That's the essence and how she is part of it, the taste and the waves and the foam in her throat.  All womanliness connected.

If you're hunting for deep theological things and a big action scene, this isn't the poem for you!
— Isabelle5

HEHEHA! THIS SHOULD BE TOP RATED
— unknown

what the hell does she need a reason for, unknown?
do you have a reason to be on this site?
did anyone ask you for one?
well, there.

this is good isabelle.
— unknown

This is a stunning peice. It was so refreshing to read a non-depressing poem. Instead of dragging the mind down, this poem reminds us of beauty and pleasure. As I read it I can almost taste the salt in the air and hear the sea gulls. This reminds me of what poetry is all about. Well done. Bravo.
— scarlet_muse

Thank you!  I love seeing comments.  I also laugh when I look at the large differences in ratings, as I know there will always be one's when there are 10's.
— Isabelle5

This poem is so fluffy that the words leave my mind the moment after i've read them.
— unknown

I LOVE the 17th & 18th lines.  Beautiful!  Sensual!  Clean !  I just read it again.  Now I love them even MORE!
— starr

beautiful. pensive. understated.
i think i read it in the right kind of mood...
— varun

Great Poem . Full of atmosphere and emotion. Took me right to the oceans edge.
— larrylark

Don't fall in, Larry!  I'm really happy that so many people find this relaxing and peaceful.  Thank you.
— Isabelle5

Wow...with a title like this, it's no wonder it'd be top rated.  I love it!
— starr

I am simply stunned that this is top rated (happy but stunned).  I wrote it during a lunch break, while I was busy crocheting a baby sweater, stopping to add lines at the end of each sweater row.

I think that very often, letting the mind drift while our hands are busy with other creative projects (Don't go there, Guys!) helps our writing muse come through.
— Isabelle5

hmmmm ...... this is the same woman who complains about fart poems and then throws this up on the board?  Interesting double standard.  You've left a mess on my floor, but a sanitary napkin or two and it cleans up nicely ........ ;)
— unknown

This is not about menstruation.  This about the pull of magnetic forces on all things, including our own little private oceans of blood in our veins.  Some people think we came from the ocean to begin and we still feel connected to it somehow.

And by the way, if it were related to the menstrual cycle, it's very sad that you would connect it to "farts," etc.  Women's blood is not a dirty thing and there is no shame attached to it.
— Isabelle5

This went from #1 to #47 in the space of one hour.  How does that happen?
— unknown

Maybe some readers woke up and smelt the kaka (?)
— unknown

Farting is not a dirty thing, and there is no shame attached to it ...... I can't believe you would seek to oppress someone for doing what comes naturally .... You need to read Benjamin Franklin's Essay "Fart Proudly" and expand your narrow mind and maybe even loosen your prudish sphincter ......
— unknown

Well, in reference to the kaka comment - I have to disagree.  It's interesting that several of poems have suddenly gotten one's, which changes their rating completely.

Good thing I don't post for ratings, isn't it?
— Isabelle5

Who said passing gas is a bad thing?  It isn't, neither if taking a dump or having sex.  But Society prefers that we do all those things PRIVATELY.

Children make gas in public and people think it's cute.  Adults doing it is disgusting, I don't care who you are.  I feel especially sorry for the wives (me, too) who have to suffer through husbands who burp, fart, move their bowels with the door open and then want oral sex from their women.

It's called having self control and being polite to people around you.  As for my own sphincter, you won't ever be close enough to it unless you're planning to kiss it.  Now go away and comment on someone else's poem, we need more reading done.
— Isabelle5

WUT THA HELL YALL TALKIN ABUT  THER NUTHIN RONG WID FARTING U DUMASSSSSSSSS I FART WENEVR i WANT
— BADBOI

you need a period or a semicolen at the end of line four. not a comma.
— TheO1dCrow

and whats wrong with oral sex, isabelle?
— TheO1dCrow

I think I love thee, Isabelle5
— poetofark

Who said there was anything wrong with oral sex?  As long as you shower first!
— Isabelle5

Rattling is a great adjective here. Like printing too, but would like the sound of bits of shell.

Rattling in the wind,
I walk the ocean edge,
printing feet in sand
and bits of shell.

In L4, I think a 2-syllable word, in place of wet, would benefit the rhythm.  Dampened?
Or maybe restructure the strophe:

white (bearded) waves throw  --whiskers here would be overkill on the alliteration
wet kisses at my cheeks,
lay gifts of seaweed
and foam at my heels.

Thoughts on 8 through 11:

The preening sun glances
now and then, from behind
her private screen of grey, afraid
to hide her face too long.

You may want to avoid the repeat of wave, sand and shell.

I am impressed by how deftly you change the tone as the poem progresses.

I won’t further annoy by rewriting the rest, but:
I think this is the perfect subject to use a distinct rhythm—a light and happy lilt for the beginning strophes, then change feet somewhere around 17, maybe even as early as 14—with the screaming birds.

It’s great to see you at the top, Isabelle.
— housepoppy

Holy Cow, how did this leap to life again?  Haven't thought of this poem in weeks!

I'm not really revising it anymore, due to the fact that it's not fresh in my mind.  I've done about all I am going to on it and have put it to bed, mentally, although I might get to it again someday.

Thanks to you all.
— Isabelle5

Well shoot.  All that for nothing! :P

-poppy
— unknown

Not at all!  I printed it out so that I can read it at home and really think about the comment you made, Poppy!  I appreciate the time and concern you took, truly.
— Isabelle5

What happened?  Don't tell me, I know.  [email protected]#$ing trolls.

-poppy
— unknown

pops, g'dammit, watch your language!

this is good:

The ghost day-moon tugs at my blood,  17
pulls tides within me;  18
I feel the waves' ragged dark edges  19
blowing against the back of my soul  20
as I print the ocean edge in sand and shell,  21
the taste of salt and foam  22
at the back of my throat.
— unknown

The Ocean is a great environment to place a poem, especially one so delicately contemplative as this one, with the meditative beat of the waves, its maternal purr or yet paroxystic. And it really takes you on the trip. Also, as other have noticed, the change in mood is great, and sudden. This is good poem; however, a few thoughts: first, would not such a change require a stronger, more sublime realization: you only print footprints on the sand, whereas the beach has imprinted upon you its being; second, I feel ghost day-moon is to abrupt when it should be radically and subtly ghostly --the line works, but only because you've put ghost before "day-moon", and thus treats this phantasmal presence, oppresion even, too oenly, as if such a ghostly thing was so matter-of-fact (viz. a white washing machine) which is in a sense degrading; lastly, I have only an honest question: what is the significance of the birds? I am sure there is, but I have just failed to grasp it.
— Vinny

There is no significance to the birds, only that they are beach-creatures who ran for the crumbs I left on the sand.

I always find it strange that the beach is full of tiny creatures sea gulls can eat but they flock inland each day to eat garbage left in dumpsters and on parking lot grounds.

Ghost day-moon:  it's that transparent bit of moon we can see when the sun is taking over the sky.  Not white-washed but think of it; it is sort of ghostly and pale.
— Isabelle5

whiskers is lame

i'd go with goatee

Ralf
— unknown

ah. isabelle. good question. if you were a seagull would you spend all day pecking 10,000 times between grains of sand for a bite the size of a gnat. or would you take one minute to eat a hamburger and then full-bellied bob lazily on the sea for the rest of the day?

otherwise. almost exactly what pops said.
— kaleidazcope

I absolutely love this!  Poetry about water or the ocean are my favourite, leave me so reminiscent! Thank you for this beautiful read.
— jenakajoffer

HOLY  CRAP!!! i LOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE this poem its soo awesome!

i just love how descriptive it is! very good indeed! definately one of my favorites
— TheRose

Oh, wow! This is so beautifully written. Great job!!!! I love "printing my feet in sand" and "the sun glances down." You really created the scene with some nifty phrasing.
— Maela

Your imagery may be a bit...too much. It's excellent, but for a poem with such beautifully simple subject matter as this, a few less adjectives would make it a better read.

The fourth stanza is pure gold.

It's a shame you've never bothered to comment on any of my work, negative as the comment may have been. Cheers,

[Teo]
— teo_omega11

Wish I were there - fluorescent light and aircon is the only screaming here.
— dia

lovely Isabelle, great write.
— marieF

I feel I need to say what it is about this poem I loved.
The fourth stanza is amazing, perfect. You wrote a comment on one of my poems about the how the moon defines our cycles. This is that comment put into poetry. You show talent and imagination and knowledge. I can't tell you how much I like it.
Well done.
— marieF

isn't life simply perfect? i especially like the reference to your blood and the cycle of the moon ( 28 days from full to full ). coincidence of nature? i think not. the fascination of early peoples with the full moon is probably linked to the menstrual cycle... well done
— chuckles

Thank you all for understanding this poem.  Especially some of our guy poets!  How amazing and how wonderful that is!
— Isabelle5

It's a beaut - just in touch - don't you love a poem that runs through you without concern for its form - it lives on its own - as it is
— dia

What a kind thing to say, Dia.
— Isabelle5

Obviously any work which attracts this much attention must be doing something right.
I had some trouble with 'printing my feet in ... shell bits'. 'shell bits' seemed unhelpfully imprecise, and anyway - wouldn't that hurt?
— ferngulley

If you're barefoot, it would probably hurt!
— Isabelle5

i really like this! it takes a simple thing and focuses on its beauty.
— livedeeply

I love the title as well - the voice is consistant. nice work, indeed.
— Ferroggiaro

Goodness, this is good! The ghost day-moon is a wonderful image. A favourite!
— JustineCH

i LOVE it....
— juggalette69

Que bonito este poema, Isabella!  Me gusta la playa donde tu espiritu corre con las gaviotas, mi amiga!
— starr

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