poetry critical

online poetry workshop



this is a test
ShelbyS

The shadow on the wall isn't mine, but
 1
our faces remain vaguely the same.
 2
Upon my examination he glances and
 3
looks away without returning his retina to mine.
 4
 
 
He says he's a patron to my art, progenitor to my
 5
incredibly multi-cellulared division that came about
 6
in so much splendid chaos.
 7
 
 
Warily, I pass my eye to his hand so he may hold my
 8
star-struck gaze and keep a firm grip on my reality and subsequently
 9
his own as well.
 10
 
 
When all is said and done and
 11
magick of old written and spoke,
 12
he says I will exist.
 13
 
 
So I scoop him out of the sky and eat him whole, for
 14
existence is more mind than matter.
 15

25 May 05

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(42 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

I adore this one shel. xoxo
 — thirdeyris

thankyou.
 — ShelbyS

You gonna post more soon?
 — thirdeyris

The phrasing in l4 is a bit awkward. I think it's the word 'returning' that gets me. Don't have a suggestion as to what to replace it with, though.

Stanza 3, 'as well' seems a little unnecessary. I'd rephrase to 'firm grip on my reality / and, subsequently, his own'.

The final two lines. I'd get rid of the word 'for,' placing, instead, a semicolon after the word 'whole,' ('So I scoop him out of the sky and eat him whole; / existence is more mind than matter.' Or maybe 'So I scoop him out of the sky and eat him whole; / existence is, after all, more mind than matter.' )
 — stateofmind

0.309s