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Blow
themolly

"Cocaine is a powerful drug."  -Rick James

I must swim out, onward and far from this
 1
pedestal of a pompous narcissist.
 2
Though a taste of it could get you far,
 3
too much and you've moistened your spark
 4
into a coal lump mistaken for dirt,
 5
a black chunk of nondescript earth.
 6
No longer a flame aglow in the chest.
 7
No longer the beacon within your breast.
 8
A shapeless mass atrophied
 9
from divine beginnings.
 10

8 May 05

Rated 9 (6.4) by 6 users.
Active (6): 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (8): 1, 1, 1, 1, 4, 8

(define the words in this poem)
(41 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
JessieVideo
tiedtoes



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Comments:

i like this. it took me a couple reads to get it. very nice. the flow is very tight. i would eliminate L8. it just is repeating the line before. over all GRRRRReat job!
 — SweetPain

i like the way u spelt baligerant so as to help us realize that you are unequivocally an ass
 — unknown

Line 2 sounds like you had a dinner date with a dictionary and thesaurus. It kind of loses the rythem with line 10. It seems to short. Doesnt quite fit in there.

Not bad.
 — InMyBlood

I do adore the dictionary and the thesaurus...however, we do not dine together :)
 — themolly

hows about decapitalizing "Earth" in l6, just to show how nondescript it is? i liked this a lot, the last 4 lines are particularly good.
 — Catbox

good idea.  I had originally written it that way in my journal...but decided to capitalize in editing.  I think I'll change it back.
 — themolly

I love the flow in this poem
 — HeidiHo

line 11 was excellent.
 — unknown

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
 — themolly

jackasses need not comment.
 — themolly

good work. much said in a small space.
 — Bloodfetish

Thanks man.
 — themolly

i love it.  it flows so nicely i could imagine myself reciting part of it.
 — aeturnus

I love the way you've described -excess.
7-8 feel over-used to me, especially in light
of how cool and unique the rest of the poem is-
I like what those lines (no pun intended ;-) do for the piece,
but maybe word it in another way.
Anyway, nice work. I'm impressed.
 — Krttika

You went from 'me' to 'you'...I would continue with 'me'. ie:
Though some of it could get you (me) far,  3
most of it moistens your (my) spark       &nb sp;  4

Don't like the use of 'flame' and 'beacon' in l7 and 8.

Sam xx
 — unknown

SAM~I was trying to relay my own experience into advice for others...as far as going from me to you.  Normally, I abide by that rule, but this time, I wanted to try and bend it.  What could I use instead of flame & beacon...fire, force, movement....?  HELP

AETURNUS~Thank you so much.  This has become a sort of background mantra for me.

KRTTIKA~What do you think I should do about 7 & 8?  (They felt a tad used for me as well.)  I definitely want to retain their value, but I'd love some suggestions.
 — themolly

Yep - got it. But it sounds preachy (no offense). If you kept it personal, folks would pick up on that aspect anyway.
Not sure what you could use to replace 'flame aglow' and 'beacon' - to me, there are just....that 'C' word.
These are just personal ops.

Sam xx
 — unknown

um, ok.  If you think of anything else let me know :)
 — themolly

I would really like some suggestions to improve L 7 & 8.  Please give me your best!
 — themolly

please
 — themolly

sweet.
 — unknown

takes a lot of ones to drag all my shit down, doesn't it?
 — unknown

THIS ONE IS REALLY GREAT, CORI
 — BoundFeet

mmmm that's really nice
 — tiedtoes

This is awesome!  Awesome awesome awesome!
L 4-8 are wicked!  I love the visuals!  Awesome awesome!
 — JessieVideo

You are too kind, my lovely.  I just watched the special features of THE CHAPPELLE SHOW.  There's a lot of extra pieces of the Rick James interview that never aired!  OH MAN.  I laughed so hard I am still in pain.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
 — themolly

Isn't it funny what inspires us sometimes? :)
 — JessieVideo

I wrote this before watching that.  It just reminded me of it.

My time as a coke-whore inspired this!
 — themolly

ahhhh. Ok. Now i like it more.
 — JessieVideo

Its got promise but the tone is too stiff and high falutin' which makes it come over as just a bag of nice sounding words .L3 is just too much of a mouthful,try finding simpler ways to express what are very interesting ideas.
 — larrylark

OK-changes GALORE!!!!

What'da think?
 — unknown

oh mi go.d....



I'm Rick James Bitch!


oh man.....
 — unknown

she's a very freaky girlllllllllllll.  the kind you don't take home to mutha
 — unknown

yay for yayo
 — unknown

first of... cocaine=yum :)
get rid of line 7 maybe. i liked 'beacon within your breast' because it's subtle just like the rest of it, suggestive...

nice work...
 — unknown

i like line 12 better than line 11
 — unknown

thanks folks
 — unknown

Good quote at the beginning that works with the poem. Nice rhyme in seven, eight.
 — Hear

This is excellent and I particularly was drawn in my the Rick James quote.  So sad that a man of his talent(s) would go out on such a silly note ("I'm Rick James, bitch!") when he could have been remembered by much greater contributions (namingly Teena Marie's discovery,) but alas, he was not.  His last performance at the 2004 B.E.T. awards in which he duetted with Teena doing "Fire and Desire" revealed how cruel time and drug addiction can be.  His voice, as well as his once thriving vibratto were no more.  I think it would breathe a lot better without L's 7&8, but it's your poem and you know what effect you're after.  Thanks!
 — starr

Tedious and boring.
 — unknown

thanks hear and starr.  f u unknown.  that was a comment with no merit or purpose.
 — themolly

BLOW ME
 — unknown

no.
 — themolly

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