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Love; It is like a sunset
BelovedSoul

Love;
 1
It is like a sunset
 2
It is gorgeous, a wonderful creation, and true
 3
All the superlative colors blend together
 4
Forming the irresistibleness we have for each other
 5
 
 
The warmness slipping through the air
 6
Are like your fingers
 7
Slipping through mine
 8
Mixing us together.
 9
 
 
I watch the sunset from afar
 10
Not knowing when it will end,
 11
But soon.
 12

30 Apr 05

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 9

(define the words in this poem)
(1 more poem by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
Candy_Girl



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Comments:

Line 1 - 5:  Overall I like the fact that you've attempted to explain your abstraction.  You compare love to a sunset and have gone the extra distance to explain why it is like a sunset, rather than simply leaving it at that and moving on.  With that said I'm now going to say why I think you have fallen short of your intentions.

Line 2: A subtle change for this would be "like a sunset."  The word "the" points to a specific sunset which has not been mentioned.  So I think it should be "a" instead.

Line 3:  "Beautiful" and "wonderful" are not really my adjectives of choice.  They are rather over used, ambiguous, and simply dull in my opinion.  I think you  could elaborate on why it is each of these things and it would be a lot better.

Line 4:  "Magnificent" now is my next problem.  If I were to pull out a thesaurus all of these things would be under the same listing and really tell me nothing other than basically that something appeals to you or is of high quality.  That doesn't really express much emotion.  As with above telling why would be an excellent idea.  

Line 5:  Well you've already used a form of beauty above so I don't think repeating it is really a good idea.  But also, "the beauty that we have for each other" really seems to make no sense.  How does one have beauty for someone else?  I don't think that's really logical.

This stanza is really the bulk of the poem as it describes everything that needs to be addressed.  So it's essential that you increase the imagery in it.

Lines 6 - 9: I like the sentiment being expressed here as well as the imagery used . Well done.

Line 10:  Instead of "a far," afar.

This poem needs an overhaul of the description and imagery used.  Keep working on it and it will come.
 — Resonanz

I like this poem...well thought out but one thing that bothers me...it confused me in the end....how you say "But soon.  Darkness may be coming  But we will still stand bright" I dont get what you are trying to say...other than that the first two stanzas are my fave!!!
 — Candy_Girl

I made some changes. comment please :)
 — unknown

Resonanz, thanks for all ur wonderful ideas. i really appreciate people like you telling me the truth. thanks a lot :)
 — BelovedSoul

I love the changes...Good Job!!!
 — Candy_Girl

thanks :)
 — BelovedSoul

anymore comments?
 — unknown

Good poem it does not confuse me, it just needs to read with eyes opened to understanding. Wow if that makes sense... well I like it
 — vida

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