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Big Easy (Wherever You End Up)
blackbird

"Let me out."
 1
My feet shuffle a moment
 2
on the beer-baked street,
 3
then find a rhythm;
 4
the beat of the city enhanced
 5
by juvenile tap-dancers
 6
carrying themselves more gracefully
 7
than 20-something college boys;
 8
"Keep the beat goin', man."
 9
 
 
Half-senile jazz singers
 10
sitting in the street,
 11
dancing with purple feather boas;
 12
and grizzled old bluegrass boys
 13
who've seen their share of boxcars.
 14
As if the river itself were flowing
 15
through the city,
 16
crowds find their ways around.
 17
 
 
I put pink sugared strawberry
 18
candy in my mouth
 19
like an ice cube on a summer day;
 20
bite down,
 21
taste Ponchatoula.
 22
 
 
I walk
 23
hips to shoulders,
 24
feet on pavement,
 25
eyes resting for a moment on a fiddler
 26
in a plaid cap, green eyes shining
 27
like a partly cloudy day.
 28
Everybody's talk-talk-talking;
 29
I'm not making a sound.
 30
 
 
Crazy patchouli-scented vendors
 31
selling cheap sunglasses and knockoff purses
 32
down in the French Market
 33
scream at small children weaving around
 34
in tiny hats and boots,
 35
sticking sticky fingers onto their daddys' hands.
 36
 
 
At evening;
 37
almost brighter than day;
 38
a riverboat sounds its horn down the Mississippi,
 39
turning the heads of lovers
 40
looking for the sound that'll
 41
drown out their lies.
 42
This city always seems to be sleeping
 43
and Southern royalty crawl all over
 44
the slumbering dreamer.
 45

20 Apr 05

Rated 9 (7.3) by 4 users.
Active (4): 6, 9, 9, 9
Inactive (18): 1, 1, 1, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
CajunMoon



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Comments:

this needs some of the language untangling.

ie: stanza 1 could start with line 3. or 2 could end with a full stop and the direct speech in 3 could be speech-marked. or something that sorts out whatever is not quite right with teh opening 3 lines.
4 drop 'on the' down a line maybe.

i would definitely use different language in some places.
stuff like half-senile, juvenile, daddy, hips to shoulders and pink sugared strawberry candy jelly, are either to telly or just too over the top.
there are some preposition issues, and line break issues. and some whole lines that add nothing and probably aren't required

the general vibe of the piece is good.  
 — kaleidazcope

Love the imagery
 — Darkfollower

Thanks.
 — unknown

Oi.
 — unknown

Told ya I'd find out.
I always find out.

Ta-ta-ta-tooo.
I know where the monkey poos.
 — Rixes

Excuse me?
 — blackbird

Sure, sure.
I'll play along.
 — Rixes

riverboat sounds down the river seems redundant (word river)
 — unknown

i love it.
 — CajunMoon

interesting, but otherwise good
 — unknown

I really don't think the last line fits in with everythng else, perhaps adding a bit more lines before the ending, the structure has quite the flow
 — Gabriella

wait, are you who I think you are"?
 — Gabriella

You know what, you little De La Sallians need to stop sneaking in here. lol
Surrender your identities!
 — Rhein

But anyway..you know whose work this reminds me of? claudia's. Stop stealing her style, you theif!

*laughs*

;)
 — Rhein

Um, thanks, I was going for her style.
 — blackbird

hmm.. interesting.. are you sure you're not her?
 — Lilac

I've read her style, and it seems quite identical to yours, I suppose you could say she's a great poet, but your imagry in this piece, is quite vivid, colorful, dramatic, whatever you can say (8)
 — Lilac

Really.
 — unknown

I really like this.
I definitely feel at home.
 — unknown

Thanks.
 — blackbird

Like it a lot. Want to send it to relatives who live there. Beautifully done work!
 — wamblicante

Feel free!
I live here as well.
 — blackbird

LONELY MOOSE SINGING MY SONG....TEACHING PEPOLE RACISM WEARING SMALL THONGS.... EVERYBODY.....


LALALALALALALALALAA I GAVE YOU A 1
 — unknown

Erm, thanks.
 — unknown

Yeah, thanks.
 — blackbird

should L1 be in quotes? nice job by the way.
 — unknown

i love how you put imagination and the vibrant together.
 — PatrickStarr

This has a great feel and opulant imagary.Like a lot
 — larrylark

dappled thoughts, nice!
 — Kauf

aaaaw.
 — unknown

I love it, I just have one suggestion, line 24 could say "Feet to pavement" might make it flow a little better.

Other than that I love the imagery, I think it takes  lot of talent to paint a picture like that, hile reading this I saw a busy city street. Great job.
 — Unbelievable

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