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Cheesy Love Poem

Kiss me like a girl that flatters.
Tell me I'm all that matters
to you.
Within fantasy,
I see you
with me.
Swaying on a moonlit floor.
our souls dance together,
as our feet may.
Soon I fall exhausted
but you
catch me.

13 Apr 05

Rated 7.5 (7.3) by 4 users.
Active (4): 6, 7, 7, 8, 8
Inactive (2): 7

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haha, this is a nice twist

i like it, espeically the first two lines
 — tragicbubble

awww shucks, thankyou tragicbubble.
 — SweetPain

i like it i'm with tragicubble yea i like the frist two lines
 — unknown

thanx a bunch lAsTlIe!
 — SweetPain

aww i love this.
 — unknown

thanx unknown.
 — SweetPain

does anyone want to rate this?
 — SweetPain

i would combine l2 and 3 together, otherwise it sounds like you have forced rhyme there.  in l9 i would separte it into two lines after where you placed the comma.  that way this has some kind of form to it, and better flow.
 — sassybnyss

I disagree and agree.  The "to you" on its own, is really nice.  Makes out that that part is the important part.  Otherwise,  "tell me Im all that matters to you".  I would look at that and go NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO etc.

But I agree about L9.  All the other lines are short and then that ones long.  Id change it.

anyhoo,  I think this poem is "pretty" or "cute" or whatever pointless word you want.   Im being one of the unknowns you see.  ;)  
 — MFine

Ohhhh, how romantic!  I like the simple sweetness, like a romance novel in poem form.
 — Isabelle5

thanx a bunch to sassybynyss, MFine amd Isabelle5, you guys made me feel better on such a dreary day. .
 — SweetPain

i'm not here to spoil your day, SP ... but dancing souls?
sweet imagery, written for a loved one ... but the souls, the souls, the souls

(okay ... i admit it ... i have no soul)
 — Bloodfetish

well i hope you get a soul, Bloodfetish, it makes life much more pleasant. thanx for the comment.
 — SweetPain

the rhyme scheme is a little odd for me personally, but i really like the piece as a whole.

i really liked the first line for some reason.
 — shakeit

thank you very much shakeit. everyone seems to like the first line.
 — SweetPain

what a  gay  poem
 — unknown

The last stanza is charming. I enjoyed it very much!
 — Dead

i dont like this poem, you should learn how to write, we wanted cheesey poems for a joke but yours came up, cya
 — unknown

thanks Dead! and unknowns you guys are the highlight of my day. take that bitches!!
 — SweetPain

crappppppppppppppppp i cud do better
 — unknown

thats nice.
 — SweetPain

comment on my poem.
 — Kauf

That is shit it aint cheesy at all
 — unknown

that is the gayest poem i've ever read, holy shit a dog could write better poems...hell a stupid blonde could write a better poem than that
 — unknown

yeah i agree, this piece 'o shit should be deleted. yo!
*to the unknowns i thank you for offering me some comic relief*
 — SweetPain

What crap! There's no flow and it doesnt make any sence!
 — unknown

you are welcome to think whatever you want man.
 — SweetPain

were you referring to me when you write this?
 — unknown

and who would you be?
 — SweetPain

and if this is who i think it is, no this was much before our time.
 — SweetPain

Cheesy love poems are the BEST love poems btw.  I would suggest, however, maybe cutting the "to you" in L3.  You don't really need it.  I would also change the preposition "within" to "in" in L4.  How about making "dance" "dancing" in L6 to coincide with "swaying" in L8?  Keep it all present progressive.  I'd also cut the "but" out of L12 (Beginning a sentence with a conjunction doesn't read right.) so it reads like this:

Soon, I fall exhausted.
You catch me.

Does this HAVE to be a fantasy?  If you cut L4, it'd be a REALITY!  Just some food 4 thought.

Very sweet little poem.
 — starr

p.s.  I love how these idiot unknowns come in and give us their shit and they can't even spell or write simple English.  That's why they're unknown.  They wouldn't wanna reveal themselves.  Then we'd know how stupid they REALLY are.
 — starr

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