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stand up and take a bow
ShelbyS

There is a house in my dreams:
 1
inside of the door and sat at a worn
 2
oak table is an old woman with a
 3
white skeletal face, sunken by time.
 4
 
 
Inside of her eyes lies a million
 5
forgotten voices, escape seeming
 6
a bit unforeseeable at this point.
 7
 
 
Here in this house I sit: and
 8
my heart is exploding.
 9
 
 
My fate is silent, entrenched.
 10
 
 
As the mist clears and I cease my
 11
wonder, I see an elderly man similar
 12
to my fathers stature and appearance
 13
clutching his shoulder in agony.
 14
He's leaving this place at a furious
 15
rate, soul inside a comet burning its
 16
last bit of fuel before a black hole
 17
swallows it whole.
 18
 
 
(At least he looks happy.)
 19

7 Apr 05

Rated 6 (3.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 1, 6

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Comments:

Hi Shelby  - I'll come back to this later but do you want 'sits' in l3 (either/or sat or sits)? I like the 2nd strophe. More later - have to go to work.

Sam
 — unknown

anythun?
 — unknown

more comments would be appreciated.
 — unknown

I missed this one completely, AI. I'd thought that you'd given up writing--glad you haven't. I'll leave an in depth crit where there are grammatical incorrections later, when I'm not feeling so guilty about being lazy.

Just for now though, I really like this one. I'm glad you're writing again, I've missed you much. Lines eight and nine I like a lot, and lines fifteen to eighteen are just something short of amazement.
-wendz
 — unknown

tis sucks ass.
 — unknown

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