poetry critical

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We could be...
hearmyheart

Girl you're a rose
 1
and i'm just a thorn
 2
and your leaving this heart
 3
ripped and torn
 4
 
 
Mend my heart
 5
and be with me
 6
and we'll become
 7
our own ecstasy
 8
 
 
A high of our own
 9
and we'd call it love
 10
because you are my rose
 11
sent from above
 12
 
 
Love me hard
 13
and love me long
 14
because in my arms
 15
is where you belong
 16
 
 
we could be forever
 17
and ever always
 18
together forever
 19
for all of our days
 20
 
 
just give us a chance
 21
great it would be
 22
me and you
 23
you and me
 24

5 Apr 05

Rated 5.8 (6.6) by 6 users.
Active (6): 2, 3, 3, 7, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 6, 6, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(9 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
carox3
orange
sarah666



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Comments:

wow i am blowen away of how great and coming this poem is
 — sarah666

You know what?  You could have just the first verse and it would be perfect.  The rest clouds it up.  That first verse is just right.  Then you had to go on and spell ecstasy wrong!
 — Isabelle5

I love it....it makes me want to cry cuz it remidns me of my ex...
 — BananerAnaer

ehh i'm not that blown away by it. Its not bad, but it just seems done before. Cliche.
 — K8Dony

i think its incredible, i could really feel the words
 — unknown

amazing. yeah i agree with isabelle5 makes me want to cry because of my ex but i love it!!!! 10 for you<3
 — LoserXcore

Not bad. Liked the ending more than anything
 — LivingLies

This poem is so touching, you seem to know how I'm feeling. Glad somebody could write about it.(10)
 — orange

I am going to be the lone soul here - this is not that good. Not to say it is bad, but you have a thought that is too done, the rhyme is forced (look at l22 for example), and childlike (please don't take that personally - a lot of people start off with this kind of rhyme), and it ends up sounding very hallmark(ish). Sorry luv. Remember, I am only one voice and others seemed to enjoy it so...

Sam xx
 — unknown

Wow, man it like jives totally. Awsome.
 — unknown

this is a sweet poem, but i hink that you should take out L13 and 14.. or just make it sound more sophisticated.. because your poem is beutiful, but those two lines make it sound like 12 year old wrote it.. and i tihnk that you should change the ending also.
 — SweetxMemory

I don't enjoy the predictable flow.
 — themolly

I'm afraid I don't like it; cliche, forced, and predictable.
 — FangzOfFire

How old are you??? this poem is so amazing.. and i love your bio that you had written!
 — unknown

im 17, im trying..
 — hearmyheart

Sorry,  but this is not as good as many are saying.   Its ok but very predictable.
Theres nothing to make this stand out over other poems.
No original idea, no strong imagery, metaphors,  nice language.
Its all very simp[le and average to be honest,  sorry.

L11 change you are to you're  to help the flow.
I think you should shorten this to 3 or 4 verses.
 — MFine

anymore
 — unknown

i agree with isabelle, just make this one verse and it'd be a whole lot better.  then you'd have no cliche messes and no redundancy to deal with.
 — sassybnyss

I guess you are young and have not read or written much poetry.  This is just the same old predictible as hell stuff. Your very first stanza is one big cliche and kills this dead. The best I can say is that your rhythm is pretty decent. When you write lovey dovey stuff like this you've got to be a bit more inventive in language and ideas to hold the readers attention.  
 — unknown

Omg, where to start. I'm sorry to say, this sounds like a 12 year old wrote it. I'm sorry, but the rhymes and descriptions just come off as juvenile. There's no depth or range at all. And rhyming....please please please don't rely on words like be/me! Rhyme does not make the poem, the poem should make the rhyme. And the whole rose/thorn thing...think to yourself, how many times have you read that type of phraseology before yourself? Many,many times, right? I hate to say it,  but I think some readers are giving you an inflated sense of this poem's true value.
 — unknown

Lovely =)
 — carox3

L1 comma after "girl"
L2 i suggest you capitalise "i", but it's ultimately your call
L3 "you're"
L22 please don't leave it like that. i just seems ridiculous

the fifth stanza of this poem just doesn't work. it just sounds stupid, and barely makes sense. you use too many big wrods, in contrast to the rest of the poem, it just seems cluttered.

nice sentiment, though, but not really to my taste.
 — inutile

i apreciate the interest, but this poem is dead.  I hate it, i hate having written it, aside from teh first stanza this entire thing is shit, its not even a poem, its a thing... thanks but it's not even worth fixing
 — hearmyheart

don't say that. don't be stubborn. nothing is so bad that it isn't worth the bother fixing, and even if it was, you would have removed it from this site. don't leave things up to waste people's time.

if there is a reason why you won't change a particular thing on a poem, say it, and i will be satisfied. but saying that you don't like the poem isn't a good enough reason to justify not editing.
 — inutile

It sounds so immature... i mean look at the rhyme scheme, IT DOES SOUND LIKE A 12 year old wrote it!--nothing against 12 year olds, theres a 13 year old on this site who's fucking amazing, but you know what i mean.  It's cliche, done already, and i just totally destroyed the definition of a love poem
 — hearmyheart

so? why is it still here? if you don't want to edit it, why is it posted on an online workshop site?
 — inutile

it's old, i havn't look at this in months, and i keep it to see how i've improved, this website is for me, not for the readers
 — hearmyheart

You're a teenager right?   so am i, this was in the beggining of the year, I just like to see my progression, you know? imagine your early shit, don't you like to reflect on how much you've improved
 — hearmyheart

comment on class of 2006
 — hearmyheart

actually, i don't like to be reminded of the crap i sometimes mistakenly post. i save all of my better poems in a word document, and simply delete the trash.

don't tell me what to do. i comment on the poems that i want to. i have read tht poem a number oftimes, but never felt the need to comment.  if you tell me what to comment on, i'll read it with a much more critical eye. if you still want me to comment, just say the word.
 — inutile

Sweet and intimate sentiment. Abit cliche . Buta ren't nmost poems about love. It makes me think of my boyfriend.hhhhhmmmmm.....
 — unknown

who ever wrote this poem is an excellent poet and should be published in millions of books
 — unknown

you are a brilliant and wise poet
 — unknown

I'm all for simplicity, but this just seems too obvious. And it is, I'm afraid to say, grammatically weak and inconsistant - make up your mind wether the first word of each verse is to be capitalised or not (I would suggest not).

My advise, for what it's worth, is to try to imagine that no one has ever felt this feeling you are trying to convey and that calling it love/a broken heart is not enough. Find other words to express the idea.
 — Tinkers

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