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These thoughts, like water, circumvent the heart
And quicken as they spill and glide above
Collisions of conventions, seemly, stark,
Which fools make for the glory of her love.
These thoughts, like blood, whose course I cannot set
Pulse unbidden and steady through my days
And pensive nights, becoming life's regret,
Left wond'ring at the mystery of her ways.
These thoughts, like wine, a company too steep
While in her tower's view, but still consumed.
Bereft of power, their stolen voice I keep
Ensconced as she speaks, a vesper bloom.
As oceans crash against gravity's might,
So my love, liquid, moves toward her light.

For wisdom

30 Mar 05

Rated 7.8 (8.1) by 6 users.
Active (6): 2, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 1, 7, 9, 10

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I'm thinking about changing those last two lines to

"As heated pots will never boil when watched,
So root's poems shall not receive comments."

What do you think?
 — root

Haha, I think that people are SLEEPING!!! or DOING HOMEWORK!
--mywrdsrmyair, claire
 — unknown

and that there are only FOUR PEOPLE online, i will make a mental note to comment on this tomorrow, sorry, it's just too late for me to say anything that won't make this worse
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

Not that this is bad. . I just mean that if I try to help it, I WILL make it worse.
 — MywrdsRmyAiR


well sorry, mr. impaitent. just because i said i was going to comment an hour ago.

pardon me, but i'm thinking:  cheesy love poem.

yes yes,
i've read through it twice and it seems like a nicely flowing sonnet, but it seems verbose in some areas. each stanza is a sentence and the sentence is too long. i'll give a lengthier critique. Remind Me, eh? i'm going go sleep like the normal kids do...

--the nut
 — unknown

Now im no expert but nevertheless: nice, fluid form.
 — unknown

Thanks for comments, all.  Sorry if I seemed impatient earlier, I was just excited to finish this one.  Any criticism to make it better?
 — unknown

me, by the way.
 — root

Ill get back to you on this, cocksucker.
 — unknown

thanks, devin

 — root

Thoughts like water, blood, and wine...power like gravity against ocean waves, her as light...great stuff. I confess I do not understand L3 though...unless it implies changing one's own thoughts for her love...
 — teopteop

Not a bad assessment of line 3;  conventions being those things that one might normally do to earn respect or love from someone.  In brooding thought, those types of things can seem inadequate in their normalcy, I wanted to try to capture the desperation to find a new way of saying or doing things.  

I'm glad someone finally liked this one, thanks for saying so.
 — root

Wow.  Well done.
 — themolly

Omg! This is how I dream to write.
 — hemothymia

L5 needs to end in some sort of punctuation, i believe

i really, really like this poem.
 — inutile

How did I miss this fine poem?  I had not checked the commentary you left for the gay Jack tumbles for Jyl poem.   Thanks for leading me to this well-crafted sonnet.  It's beautiful.   -reid-
 — netskyIam

Cheers to all four of the past comments--molly, hemothemia, inutile and reid.  Thanks for saying so.
 — root

Say out loud:

"I loike it! It's noice!"
 — unknown

I like this very much. It is well-crafted but holds a lot of emotion.

Lines 7-8 very beautiful.
Not too sure about 'a vesper bloom'  - does it refer to your thoughts? Could you clarify for me so I can comment?
 — smugzy

Thanks for the comment smugzy.

l11-12 enjambment meant to indicate two possible meaning i think you picked up both of them based on your question.  I realize its not the best use of enjambment, but I think the dual meaning is strong enough to keep--I'm not going to elaborate because I don't know how without being obvious, but thanks for the compliment.

Believe it or not this is the first time in...3 years I've had a piece on the top rated.  By now I'm over the 'celebrity' aspect of this site, but I'm glad to see this one get a little bit of reading/comments.

 — root

Also thanks to unknown, and a clarification:  A good critique is always more welcome than a good rating.
 — root

i love you
 — TheYoungCrow

I like this.  It has an element of originality that is rarely seen in my opinion.
 — propoet50

 — listen