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Liquidity
root

These thoughts, like water, circumvent the heart
 1
And quicken as they spill and glide above
 2
Collisions of conventions, seemly, stark,
 3
Which fools make for the glory of her love.
 4
 
 
These thoughts, like blood, whose course I cannot set
 5
Pulse unbidden and steady through my days
 6
And pensive nights, becoming life's regret,
 7
Left wond'ring at the mystery of her ways.
 8
 
 
These thoughts, like wine, a company too steep
 9
While in her tower's view, but still consumed.
 10
Bereft of power, their stolen voice I keep
 11
Ensconced as she speaks, a vesper bloom.
 12
 
 
As oceans crash against gravity's might,
 13
So my love, liquid, moves toward her light.
 14

For wisdom

30 Mar 05

Rated 7.8 (8.1) by 6 users.
Active (6): 2, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 1, 7, 9, 10

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(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
fiona_888



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Comments:

I'm thinking about changing those last two lines to

"As heated pots will never boil when watched,
So root's poems shall not receive comments."

What do you think?
 — root

Haha, I think that people are SLEEPING!!! or DOING HOMEWORK!
--mywrdsrmyair, claire
 — unknown

and that there are only FOUR PEOPLE online, i will make a mental note to comment on this tomorrow, sorry, it's just too late for me to say anything that won't make this worse
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

Not that this is bad. . I just mean that if I try to help it, I WILL make it worse.
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

haha

well sorry, mr. impaitent. just because i said i was going to comment an hour ago.

pardon me, but i'm thinking:  cheesy love poem.

yes yes,
i've read through it twice and it seems like a nicely flowing sonnet, but it seems verbose in some areas. each stanza is a sentence and the sentence is too long. i'll give a lengthier critique. Remind Me, eh? i'm going go sleep like the normal kids do...

--the nut
 — unknown

Now im no expert but nevertheless: nice, fluid form.
 — unknown

Thanks for comments, all.  Sorry if I seemed impatient earlier, I was just excited to finish this one.  Any criticism to make it better?
 — unknown

me, by the way.
 — root

Ill get back to you on this, cocksucker.
 — unknown

thanks, devin

hahaha
 — root

Thoughts like water, blood, and wine...power like gravity against ocean waves, her as light...great stuff. I confess I do not understand L3 though...unless it implies changing one's own thoughts for her love...
 — teopteop

Not a bad assessment of line 3;  conventions being those things that one might normally do to earn respect or love from someone.  In brooding thought, those types of things can seem inadequate in their normalcy, I wanted to try to capture the desperation to find a new way of saying or doing things.  

I'm glad someone finally liked this one, thanks for saying so.
 — root

Wow.  Well done.
 — themolly

Omg! This is how I dream to write.
 — hemothymia

L5 needs to end in some sort of punctuation, i believe

i really, really like this poem.
 — inutile

How did I miss this fine poem?  I had not checked the commentary you left for the gay Jack tumbles for Jyl poem.   Thanks for leading me to this well-crafted sonnet.  It's beautiful.   -reid-
 — netskyIam

Cheers to all four of the past comments--molly, hemothemia, inutile and reid.  Thanks for saying so.
 — root

Say out loud:

"I loike it! It's noice!"
 — unknown

I like this very much. It is well-crafted but holds a lot of emotion.

Lines 7-8 very beautiful.
Not too sure about 'a vesper bloom'  - does it refer to your thoughts? Could you clarify for me so I can comment?
 — smugzy

Thanks for the comment smugzy.

l11-12 enjambment meant to indicate two possible meaning i think you picked up both of them based on your question.  I realize its not the best use of enjambment, but I think the dual meaning is strong enough to keep--I'm not going to elaborate because I don't know how without being obvious, but thanks for the compliment.

Believe it or not this is the first time in...3 years I've had a piece on the top rated.  By now I'm over the 'celebrity' aspect of this site, but I'm glad to see this one get a little bit of reading/comments.

Cheers
 — root

Also thanks to unknown, and a clarification:  A good critique is always more welcome than a good rating.
 — root

i love you
 — TheYoungCrow

I like this.  It has an element of originality that is rarely seen in my opinion.
 — propoet50

nice.
 — listen

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