| Liquidity |
root
|
|
These thoughts, like water, circumvent the heart
|
1 |
|
And quicken as they spill and glide above
|
2 |
|
Collisions of conventions, seemly, stark,
|
3 |
|
Which fools make for the glory of her love.
|
4 |
|
|
|
|
These thoughts, like blood, whose course I cannot set
|
5 |
|
Pulse unbidden and steady through my days
|
6 |
|
And pensive nights, becoming life's regret,
|
7 |
|
Left wond'ring at the mystery of her ways.
|
8 |
|
|
|
|
These thoughts, like wine, a company too steep
|
9 |
|
While in her tower's view, but still consumed.
|
10 |
|
Bereft of power, their stolen voice I keep
|
11 |
|
Ensconced as she speaks, a vesper bloom.
|
12 |
|
|
|
|
As oceans crash against gravity's might,
|
13 |
|
So my love, liquid, moves toward her light.
|
14 |
|
For wisdom
|
30 Mar 05 |
Rated 7.8 (8.1) by 6 users.
Active (6): 2, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 1, 7, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(25 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
fiona_888
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
I'm thinking about changing those last two lines to
"As heated pots will never boil when watched,
So root's poems shall not receive comments."
What do you think?
— root
Haha, I think that people are SLEEPING!!! or DOING HOMEWORK!
--mywrdsrmyair, claire
— unknown
and that there are only FOUR PEOPLE online, i will make a mental note to comment on this tomorrow, sorry, it's just too late for me to say anything that won't make this worse
— MywrdsRmyAiR
Not that this is bad. . I just mean that if I try to help it, I WILL make it worse.
— MywrdsRmyAiR
haha
well sorry, mr. impaitent. just because i said i was going to comment an hour ago.
pardon me, but i'm thinking: cheesy love poem.
yes yes,
i've read through it twice and it seems like a nicely flowing sonnet, but it seems verbose in some areas. each stanza is a sentence and the sentence is too long. i'll give a lengthier critique. Remind Me, eh? i'm going go sleep like the normal kids do...
--the nut
— unknown
Now im no expert but nevertheless: nice, fluid form.
— unknown
Thanks for comments, all. Sorry if I seemed impatient earlier, I was just excited to finish this one. Any criticism to make it better?
— unknown
me, by the way.
— root
Ill get back to you on this, cocksucker.
— unknown
thanks, devin
hahaha
— root
Thoughts like water, blood, and wine...power like gravity against ocean waves, her as light...great stuff. I confess I do not understand L3 though...unless it implies changing one's own thoughts for her love...
— teopteop
Not a bad assessment of line 3; conventions being those things that one might normally do to earn respect or love from someone. In brooding thought, those types of things can seem inadequate in their normalcy, I wanted to try to capture the desperation to find a new way of saying or doing things.
I'm glad someone finally liked this one, thanks for saying so.
— root
Wow. Well done.
— themolly
Omg! This is how I dream to write.
— hemothymia
L5 needs to end in some sort of punctuation, i believe
i really, really like this poem.
— inutile
How did I miss this fine poem? I had not checked the commentary you left for the gay Jack tumbles for Jyl poem. Thanks for leading me to this well-crafted sonnet. It's beautiful. -reid-
— netskyIam
Cheers to all four of the past comments--molly, hemothemia, inutile and reid. Thanks for saying so.
— root
Say out loud:
"I loike it! It's noice!"
— unknown
I like this very much. It is well-crafted but holds a lot of emotion.
Lines 7-8 very beautiful.
Not too sure about 'a vesper bloom' - does it refer to your thoughts? Could you clarify for me so I can comment?
— smugzy
Thanks for the comment smugzy.
l11-12 enjambment meant to indicate two possible meaning i think you picked up both of them based on your question. I realize its not the best use of enjambment, but I think the dual meaning is strong enough to keep--I'm not going to elaborate because I don't know how without being obvious, but thanks for the compliment.
Believe it or not this is the first time in...3 years I've had a piece on the top rated. By now I'm over the 'celebrity' aspect of this site, but I'm glad to see this one get a little bit of reading/comments.
Cheers
— root
Also thanks to unknown, and a clarification: A good critique is always more welcome than a good rating.
— root
i love you
— TheYoungCrow
I like this. It has an element of originality that is rarely seen in my opinion.
— propoet50
nice.
— listen
|
|
Recently Commented (expand)
|