poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Velvet Man-Trap
themolly

I could talk in riddles,
 1
see if you get my jokes.
 2
Chat my savant to your idiot
 3
and smoke up all the dope.
 4
Tiptoe around intentions
 5
instead of jacking the vein.
 6
View from many cross-sections
 7
a pose you can't maintain.
 8
 
 
My question is this,
 9
how do I make you nervous?
 10
You're the one who called to me,
 11
asked for me,
 12
arranged for me,
 13
and this.
 14
 
 
You've planted a flower with claws.
 15
Luring scent
 16
colored velvet petals
 17
but sharp;
 18
born to suck
 19
and infect your heart.
 20

30 Mar 05

Rated 6.6 (7.1) by 7 users.
Active (7): 1, 6, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (10): 1, 1, 1, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(41 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Hm, I know exactly what you're talking about.  Well spoken.
 — root

Very very good poem,
It got to me....

Rated it an 8
 — AutumnTears

This rules, but it falls apart in the last stanza.
It turns trite, where there was SO much promise.
In particular that last line really blows.
However, I must say that you have a VERY powerful lines 1-18.
 — aforbing

what should i do about it?
 — themolly

You write well; break away from the scheme.
 — ramher

what scheme?  Help.
 — themolly

I'd like to see the rhyme scheme continue into the second and third stanzas--great rythm, pulls the reader along, but the momentum slows in the second and stops in the third.  
If you decide to resume the rhyme, it will guide you to where you need to go.
I think this is a nine waiting to happen, so I'll wait for any revisions before I rate.
 — housepoppy

i purposely ended the rhyme where i did.  doesn't anyone get it?
 — themolly

whether I get it or not, any pussy poem is up my alley........
read "Purse Issues" if you have a chance.
you will get a good laugh out of it.
 — aforbing

Get it? NOpe
 — unknown

"Pose you can't maintain"

As the end of the rhyme.  Rhyme=composure, within the poem.

Duh.
 — root

i get it. i like it. all caps title is overbearing ... following poem is excellent.
 — Bloodfetish

me likey.

noodleman
 — unknown

Yes!  Someone understands :)
 — themolly

Didn't care for this
 — LivingLies

Man I hate that guy!
 — themolly

minor dusting up stuff:

1. i can talk...
2. delete 'to'
3. delete 'to'
8. change 'the' to 'a'

cool ass poem. and leave the title. scary is good here.
 — noodleman

The Molly, you know me personally so you know why I have problems liking this, as compared to your others
 — HeidiHo

the more I read this, the less I feel it is mine.
 — themolly

It's good but not my type of content
 — HeidiHo

Oh Heidi.  It's not that slutty!
 — themolly

Hooray for sluttiness!  Long live fornication!!
 — themolly

wow, nice?

-Sam' xx
 — unknown

This is great.
Very cool.
 — Krttika

Thak you so much...
 — themolly

Sam,

What's with the question mark?
 — themolly

wow, nice??

-Sam' xx
 — unknown

WHY?  Explain the question mark, sam.
 — themolly

It's not me, molly. I won't be commenting on poems for awhile. Ignore anything from this person.
 — sam

It must be flattering to have someone masquerade as you...
 — themolly

Boy, I missed this until now.  Choking and good.
 — Isabelle5

I understand the device, tm.  I've used it myself.  I guess I view the entire poem as a loss of composure--not a bad thing at all.  When I try to see it the way you intend, I can, easily.

Rated at last.
 — housepoppy

Thank you ever so much, ladies.  I highly value your opinions.
 — themolly

Y'all suck
 — unknown

selfish idiots
 — BoundFeet

wicked hilarious, Cori.  Oh man
 — tiedtoes

oh my.  this is so you
 — Estrella

yeah for the vagina!
 — themolly

it's broken off into oblivion...
 — unknown

Thanks for the random ones.  LOve ya.
 — unknown

i think you should remove to you in 1.
i like tiptoe around intentions.
i wish you said that you are a flower with claws.
don't need colored in 18
i like.
 — cruellshoos

spanks.
 — unknown

very well articulated poem, although it seems as if there are two themes there, i dont feel the last stanza as the first two, not that its obscure, but somehow, it doesnt seem quite right, although it probably fits perfectly, and its just me
 — nullus

athankyou
 — unknown

changes galore folks.  whatjathink?
 — themolly

nice poem.
 — varun

thanks
 — themolly

could do without 'up' in line 4.
lines 7-8 seem disconnected with the rest of the first strophe. you could try a semi at the end of line 6?

usage of 'this' at the end of line 9 demands a semi. no? or, you could just leave out 'this'?

i would suggest addition of 'all' between 'and' and 'this' in line 14.

the last strophe can be edited to make the picture a little clearer i think.
it feels too dis-jointed.

i might take the liberty of making an edit, but later :)

thanks.
 — varun

so women are a trap for men?

got nothing to with natural biological premises and urges for the two sexes to be drawn to each other by desires and forces profoundly basic?

the mans intellect is being weighed against the womans primal force

this is utter tripe based on misconception and stereotype being manifested in actuality

i wonder if the woman could be pursuing her primal motivation through her intellect? and the man would never understand her riddles - no matter how smart he thought he was?
 — Mongrol

it's a bit satircal to say the very least, still relevant.  Thanks for the read
 — themolly

this is very refreshing on this site, especially some of the original imagery. thank you
-jacob
 — uncjaf

thank you jacob.
 — themolly

0.475s