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Finding lies in the truth
ducktape

It seems to be okay.
 1
Everything is going good.
 2
It will continue to prosper.
 3
Just as it should.
 4
 
 
Inside it feels so cold.
 5
Like everything is dead.
 6
Or maybe they're all still sleeping.
 7
Maybe I have died instead.
 8
 
 
Yet it seems to be okay.
 9
And everything is going good.
 10
It will continue to prosper.
 11
Just as it should.
 12
 
 
Should it feel so cold inside?
 13
Should this be the road I lead?
 14
I do not have the answers.
 15
Till then I continue to bleed.
 16
 
 
So it seems to be okay.
 17
I guess everything is going good.
 18
And it will continue to prosper.
 19
Just as it should.
 20

March 2005, liopfeku iopn geopnekuraopl.

24 Mar 05

Rated 8 (7.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (5): 6, 7, 7, 7, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(62 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
linush



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Comments:

-use some commas, not periods at the end of every sentence
-spelling error L16
-get more creative with the rhyme scheme
-I like the 1st, 3rd, and 5th stanza, but maye be the last should have some twist in it.

I'm not saying this isnt a good poem, i amjust offering some advice. Check out some of mine, i often write in this form. You just need to find your creative touch. Good luck and keep on keepin' on.
 — dmartin

thank you for your advice! i appreciate it. (;
 — ducktape

short declarative statements. the kind unsure/frightened/brain-damaged people make. to assure themselves of rightness. when they're not sure of right.

some of this is stilted, and not because of the declarations:
line 3 "It will continue to prosper," is awkward, as the speaker refers to him/herself as "it," then later as "I."
line 14: "Should this be the road I lead?" -- one takes a road, or leaves a road; but unless one is building, one rarely leads a road.
lines 2, 10 and 18 - "going" is such a weak word. i know it's used to show the struggle, but 3 times repitition slows the reading to a slog ... perhaps keeping it in 2, and rewording in 10 to "seems" and in 18 eliminating it altogether: "I guess everything is good," still carries the note of uncertainty.
 — Bloodfetish

thanks for your advice.  I will probably change it around, but not right away.  Eventually it will be posted differently.  Thanks again. (;
 — ducktape

I think the advice on the periods is a good one Duck. Good idea:0)
 — unknown

yo, duck ... i should have said in the earlier post that i liked and got it, but thought it could be better ....

--Bloodfetish
 — unknown

yeah, I understand what you mean.  thanks again. (;
 — ducktape

It's very simple. It's a good style. It reminds me of something i can't remember. Gives you sort of the feeling of a situation wiht yourself and feeling.
 — infinity

I like what you have done with this poem.
But maybe you should change the line "it will continue to prosper" for something that reads easier.
Still good work.

Giving it a 7+ as rating
 — AutumnTears

I like the sentiment, however, you've gotta lose the full stops at the end of every line, its disrupting the flow big time. Also the road i lead? doesnt make any sense, coz you cant lead a road as someone else also mentioned. All in all though, a good read. 7 for me
 — Bronte

I think I am stating the general opinion when I say you should really look into the full stop at the end of every line thing.
 — unknown

I can relate to this. This is something I would have written, if I were talented enough.
 — Lia

oh you're talented enough.  i know you are.
 — ducktape

pplz, i still haven't gotten around to editing the periods and such, but now that i am on summer break i will probably have more time. (;  thanks for all of your comments, i appreciate it!  (;
 — ducktape

l2: grammatically incorrect. things don't go "good," things go "well." don't sacrifice proper grammar to make an obvious rhyme.
l3: what is "it?" your life? your physical person? your bank account?
l5: again, what is the "it" that feels so cold inside?
l7: whom is still sleeping?
the unamed "it" goes on throughout the poem, and at no point is it clear to what "it" is referring.
l14: one doesn't "lead" a road
l16: why are you bleeding? you've discussed coldness (twice) but never mentioned any causation for "bleeding."
really, i think that the rhyme is seriously handicapping your ability to expand this into something meaningful. ditch the rhyme and describe the emotion you're attempting to convey in whatever terms come to mind, whether they rhyme or not.
 — unknown

(i told you what "it" was in the footnote.  only thing is that you have to figure out what i said down there.)  thanks 4 ur comments.  i will keep your suggestions in mind.  (;
 — ducktape

its just plain out BAD with non-poetic techniques and bad word choice.
 — unknown

i love th poem! good joib! wow1 i like the rhyming and its definetly going to my favorites!
 — linush

hey who ever says this has errors knows nothing about poems. In poems spelling and grammer doesnt matter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

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