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Obscenities Free-falling from the Top of your Lungs
Resonanz

Freedom isn't ringing from
 1
the sides of mountains.
 2
It's yelling,
 3
in front of
 4
court houses.  It
 5
flaps in the
 6
wind atop flag poles.
 7
 
 
Taken down with shaking hands,
 8
and lit ablaze, it's smoke;
 9
inhaled by enthralled
 10
witnesses. Freedom free-falls from
 11
building tops
 12
and secretly
 13
runs through the veins
 14
of sweatshops.  
 15
It bleeds
 16
from your children's split lips.
 17
 
 
Freedom kisses you good
 18
night.  It pokes its head
 19
through curtains, in a stream
 20
of morning sunlight.  
 21
Freedom chokes
 22
on your car's exhaust,
 23
and forms puddles in your
 24
driveway. It's
 25
a gloved hand
 26
melting winter's
 27
first frost.
 28
 
 
Freedom falls from
 29
the sky and blankets
 30
your home, but
 31
you shovel it into
 32
piles, as some menace.
 33
 
 
Freedom is black,
 34
because it is completely
 35
apathetic
 36
to color.  It hangs
 37
from trees without rope.  
 38
 
 
Freedom never rang
 39
from mountainsides.  
 40
Freedom shouted obscenities
 41
from the peak
 42
and let them free-fall
 43
from the top of its lungs.
 44

2 Mar 05

Rated 8.3 (8.2) by 15 users.
Active (15): 7, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (15): 3, 3, 3, 4, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(27 more poems by this author)

(9 users consider this poem a favorite)
CervusWright
gonewrong
Maela
musicwords
Nkem
Othrwize
ravenfalls
sparrow
speedtrials_



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Comments:

oh i like this alot, i give it a ten

Tragicbubble
 — unknown

Thanks.
 — Resonanz

L5 needs an apostrophe in 'it's' because you use it to mean 'it is'.
 — themolly

Actually, I didn't mean "it is," though you have inadvertently revealed a bit of confusion the line obviously creates.  Clearly it can be read both ways.  I definitely need to fix that, thank you.
 — Resonanz

I really like this, but you could work on the body of the poem itself.
 — Lilac

wow---what a great poem!  i love it...it's going in my favorites!!
 — woman_power

Thanks you two.  

I did a bit of modification on the body per request.
 — Resonanz

Brilliant
 — gingerdave

The subject matter of this is great. You don't read it a lot.  I love something new and interesting.  I like your opinion on things, your take on it.  It's a great poem.  
 — fallinforyou

I really really like this poem. I love the imagery used throughout. The only stanza I have some trouble with was the second to last. "Freedom is black". This is different from all the other references to freedom that tells what it is by stating what it does. Here you call it by colour (and I love the last line of that stanza, by the way), but it seems you are almost apologizing for calling it black, by giving your reason for calling it so. This seems to weaken this stanza. Since in all the other analogies you describe the "acts" of freedom, I think this stanza needs to be rewritten to fall in line with the others. The strength of that stanza is definitely line 29, but the rest of it needs work. I have added this to my favourites. This poem is brilliantly sculpted.
 — Nkem

fallinforyou:  Thanks I'm really glad you liked it.

Nkem:  Thank you for your suggestions.  I always appreciate the time people take in suggesting changes.  I continue to think about your suggestion.  Either way something is lost.  I see your point on how the sense of pattern and even maybe the urgency are lost caused by the use of a linking instead of an action verb.  However there is also a bit of content lost if I don't explain that freedom is black in that the transition between the stanza in which freedom is described seemingly as snow and then the reference to lynchings ("hangs from trees") disappears.  So I continue to think it over.  Thank you once again.
 — Resonanz

Really creative and interesting, from top to bottom.  Nice job.
 — Isabelle5

This is an absolute favourite.

I love it!  Thanks :D
 — CervusWright

I fuckin like you.
 — TheYoungCrow

instant favorite, it holds a wonderfully crunchy flavor of rebellion with subtle undertones of anarchy... i love it... 10... first one i've ever given.
 — ravenfalls

You posit some really unique and evocative thoughts here.

Very, very nice.
 — root

This poem holds some very lovely lines and provocative thoughts. It is one step away from being something even more special and I'm not entirely sure how you get there.

There are so many ideas. Perhaps too many. I'm not sure. But the poem lacks a consistent emotional grip on the reader. There are moments when I felt really enthralled and drawn in by this (lines 1-5)(lines 9-12; 14-21; 31-34 - most of the poem!)  but other lines were less successful (lines 26-29).

I agree that lines 26-29 conflict a little with the overall tone. The idea reallyintrigues me but the word 'apathetic' fails to excite!!

I like this very much. The fact that most of it is so outstanding makes the other bits stand out, so it's a tall order to improve on the slightly weaker bits but I think it would be worth doing. Thank you for this.
 — smugzy

L26...maybe "freedom is colorless, odorless???"  The "black" might invite in some negative assumptions from those who are really BENT on "colors."  Myself, I knew what you meant, but I'm not bent on anything but good poetry and I rate this one a "10," because it's perfect.  I love it.  Keep up the good work!
 — starr

I think this is a really good poem, but the repetativeness of "freedom is" gets a little tedious around L22 under the current rythm scheme, perhaps omit L22-29 and leave a sharper edge or build a little rythmic roll to persuade the readers attention into the poems content
 — SolCarloman

good.
 — aaaargh

yeah yeah yeah - i only became iterested because of the last bit - "rang" - "shouted" and "top of its lungs" the rest is... (for me) not needing to be in the top ten. sorry. - its rythem and line breaks stumbles me (i do stumble alot) but it doesnt touch me - maybe its me but if i am the people then its us - or them??? - freedom cannot - like most things  - be put into words!
 — philoanon

i like it.
 — crazykiller

Pelicin- the lame references to Donald Tetto is getting old.  If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't have this great site in the first place.
 — fallinforyou

pelican*
 — fallinforyou

i like the last 2 stanzas, but the rest feels forced
 — john_daker

I'm really pleased to see this top rated.  Good job.
 — Isabelle5

the writing is excellent, the line breaks are, in places, just awful.

except for 14.


thats a good un.


polish it up, love.
 — noodleman

I appreciate the suggestions from everyone.  I haven't changed anything at this point.  This piece is actually over a year old so it makes me even more hesitant to change it.  (Other than line breaks of course)

In response to the concern about the freedom being black line, the racial hint is actually intended but I then say that freedom "is completely apathetic to color."  So it's supposed to introduce the topic and then refute the idea that any race is being held above the others.  Thanks regardless for the comment though.

Again thanks to everyone for the help on this, I'm very pleased to see that this all of the sudden got so much attention.  Some type of edit will be coming soon, at least in the form of line breaks because I agree with noodle that the line breaks are a bit... well awful.  Thanks everyone.
 — Resonanz

Lines 26,27 and 28 and truly bad. The rest is magnificent.
 — unknown

The once horrendous line breaks, are hopefully a bit better now.  Thanks again everyone for the comments.
 — Resonanz

Awesome poem. Just awesome. So glad I stumbled on it. The whole damn thing rocks.
 — Maela

this would be a killer slam poem
 — tragicbubble

YOU ARE EMO AND YOU HAVE BODY ODOR YOU FATTY BUTT!!  GET DEODERANT!!  AND STOP EATING HAMBURGERS!!
 — unknown

great stuff
 — jittery

Anonymous, hamburgers? Why should emo people quit eating hamburgers? I am not emo myself, just wondering what makes it so aweful that they eat hamburgers.

And you might want to not be so random. >.<
 — Nerezza

i always like to see the conservative values rendered into wallmart art. this is painting on velvet, and the deer and the hunter look so lifelike, except a little fuzzy. this poem is so un-free in feeling that it could goosestep off the page and make a nice little rat-tat-tat. that's probably why everyone is marching along with it so happy to true hell.
 — mikebauer

Good job!
 — DeathShards

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