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sugary sweet
to taste,
and setting the soft, fleshy
skin around
my lips
on fire with sensations.
the rotation
of your
my teeth.
savoring every single
real, and
when I finally look
at your face,
a butterfly blooms,
a new
in the pit
of my

23 Feb 05

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Lovely.  The theme has been done, but the emotive aspect isn't over-the-top or plaintive.  Well done.  I'd suggest, however, removing lines 15/16.  "makes the moment/complete" seems a bit editorial, losing focus on the sensual.  Do also consider dropping "like" from line 20; I think it would read both softer and stronger as "a butterfly blooms/phosphorescently,/a new/flower..."
Good work.  Thanks,
 — mikkirat

i edited this as you suggested. do you think it looks better? does anyone else have any comments on this?
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

I like it too- except for the word 'burning'. It's just an odd word to use to describe a passionate kiss, I suppose. Did you mean to put the "I" in line 18? I like "A new flower in the pit of my stomach". Usually you hear about a rock in such a place, but to have a new flower makes such a serious phrase lovely.
 — CantTell

no, the "i" wasnt supposed 2 be there, thanks. I also edited this, i think this sounds better.
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

Much better.  I look forward to your next.
 — mikkirat

thank you! i had no idea anyone would even like this poem. whoa! lol
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

well, I like this poem. it gives me a beautiful mental image. -emma
 — unknown

 — unknown

foo??? uhm, wut??
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

 — unknown

brilliant imagery,  flower in stomach,  wow
 — MFine

Thanks! Glad u liked it!!
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

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