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phosphorescent
MywrdsRmyAiR

sugary sweet
 1
to taste,
 2
and setting the soft, fleshy
 3
skin around
 4
my lips
 5
on fire with sensations.
 6
 
 
the rotation
 7
of your
 8
tongue,
 9
caresses
 10
my teeth.
 11
 
 
savoring every single
 12
second,
 13
real, and
 14
imagined.
 15
 
 
when I finally look
 16
at your face,
 17
a butterfly blooms,
 18
phosphorescently
 19
a new
 20
flower
 21
in the pit
 22
of my
 23
stomach.
 24

23 Feb 05

Rated 6 (6) by 1 users.
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Comments:

Lovely.  The theme has been done, but the emotive aspect isn't over-the-top or plaintive.  Well done.  I'd suggest, however, removing lines 15/16.  "makes the moment/complete" seems a bit editorial, losing focus on the sensual.  Do also consider dropping "like" from line 20; I think it would read both softer and stronger as "a butterfly blooms/phosphorescently,/a new/flower..."
Good work.  Thanks,
 — mikkirat

i edited this as you suggested. do you think it looks better? does anyone else have any comments on this?
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

I like it too- except for the word 'burning'. It's just an odd word to use to describe a passionate kiss, I suppose. Did you mean to put the "I" in line 18? I like "A new flower in the pit of my stomach". Usually you hear about a rock in such a place, but to have a new flower makes such a serious phrase lovely.
 — CantTell

no, the "i" wasnt supposed 2 be there, thanks. I also edited this, i think this sounds better.
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

Much better.  I look forward to your next.
 — mikkirat

thank you! i had no idea anyone would even like this poem. whoa! lol
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

well, I like this poem. it gives me a beautiful mental image. -emma
 — unknown

foo
 — unknown

foo??? uhm, wut??
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

oof.
 — unknown

brilliant imagery,  flower in stomach,  wow
 — MFine

Thanks! Glad u liked it!!
 — MywrdsRmyAiR

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