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Yawning (for the record)
ElegantWaste

Yellow gauze drapes your body
 1
From waterbed
 2
To yawning window
 3
And your hair cascades down
 4
The crackling wall
 5
And just for the record
 6
I gave you my all
 7

22 Feb 05

Rated 8 (8.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
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I like this image
 — unknown

pleas ecomment on this one!
 — ElegantWaste

I'm wondering about the title.  Yawning?  I'm glad you didn't name it "my all", but why not just "For the record"?  I see you have that in the title of another poem, are you working on a series?  Cool idea if so.

I think in this case you should forego accuracy and just say "bed".

I'm a firm believer in strong verbs, but in this case I would prefer spills to cascades.

You are a master builder of image, and you accomplish it with such an economy of words.  In this poem you can go even further and not lose any power.  Dele "just" from line 6 and possibly even "you" (readers would still know what you mean) from line 7?  
 — housepoppy

i went through before and scratche dout all the words in this poem i felt i didn't need and originally, i had gotten rid of both just and you. but after reading it aloud, i felt it disrupted the flow.
 — ElegantWaste

but i thank you for the complement
 — ElegantWaste

Am I the only one who likes this?  Geez.  Bump, I say.
 — housepoppy

haha i hope you're not the only one who likes it!
 — ElegantWaste

me likey. abstarct enough but not totally theme-less. maybe add some punctuation in. overall very nice job :D
- SweetPain -
 — unknown

I also like it a lot...made me feel melancholic.
 — kitkat

I like this!  Only suggestion I have would be to drop the "ands" on lines 4 and 6.  Not necessary I think, but a minor point
 — Canuckster

This is fucking amazing.

-ramher
 — unknown

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