poetry critical

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a e r o p o r t

s l i p p i n g i n b e t w e e n t h e s p a c e s
a l l m y w o r d s a r e c o l d s u i t c a s e s
i n t e r m i n a l s o u r r e m o t e p l a c e s
i m i s t o o k t u r b u l e n c e f o r g r a c e

an experiment.  you tell me if it worked.

13 Feb 05

Rated 8.8 (8.4) by 8 users.
Active (8): 5, 5, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (7): 3, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(26 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

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I think it's a bit over the top. I like the poem itself, but I think it's just annoying to read that way. You can still have lots of spaces, just not as many.
 — Dead

I don't really see the point to the spaces, even though it's interesting. It's neither here nor there.
It's alright.
 — lieskilllies

Well, I am not satisfied with it;  I think it can be more clever, or maybe a different theme.

The spaces are meant to complement the paradigm of the author;
He could be lost in the sea of  f a c e s  at the airport,
A bunch of ideas are jumbled together there is only clarity in one thing
Which is both the destination of the poem and the flight.

Or he might not be at the airport at all.
 — unknown

 — root

Dead: I do not think annoying is the right word.  Annoying if used without intention, perhaps, but the device/invention I used is meant to draw you into the dizziness that somehow is in harmony with the speakers actions.
 — root

Yeah, I suppose that wasn't a good word choice.
 — Dead

Another attempt at being shockingly orginal, but misses the point of ' devices '. Use it sparingly if you must, please. A real shame because the wording i think is good.
 — PaulBeers

wow, so cool
 — unknown

Hi Paul,

Do you mean another attempt by me, or another attempt in general?  I have never seen your comments on any of my other work before (maybe you were signed as unknown), but if you were speaking in general, you will forgive me for being a bit affronted by your remark.

I didn't write this piece to "try to be original," though my footnote says 'an experiment'.  That way of writing is not my approach to poetry at all, although I can see why you might have that perspective reading a lot of the stuff that gets posted here.  I don't want to guide people through the ideas of this poem, because I usually find that sort of commentary pedantic in other's writing, and insulting to people's intelligence.

Suffice to say, I am glad you all enjoyed the words, but I would find this piece boring if it were just the words and not the device.  While reading it might be awkward at first, I think there is a reward to it in the end.

And I hope none of you are pricked by this commentary, I am just tired of seeing thoughtful poems get misunderstood because a few comments are left at the beginning that misguide the rest of the readers.  I want this piece to get a second opinion;  hopefully I haven't excluded that possibility by my remarks.

But thanks for your comments, I would be interested in hearing if you think, after a few more reads, this piece still tries too hard.  I am just tired of reading and writing the same things over and over again.
 — root

Actually, I like it.
 — claudia

thanks claudia, i'm glad you liked it.  upon further review, i think the poetic concepts i was intending become lost behind the rhymes.  i'm not sure whether or not i want to change it.
 — root

I was not meaning to sound harsh, far from it i like this. I am not knocking the use of the device but rather the 'over use' of it. I agree this poem would be pritty dead without it and visaversa concerning the words. But I think you should adapt the device to the words, not the words to the device. This is purely personal preference. You hve put me strieght on the orginality issue, for that i appologise. Infact i was commenting in responce to a comment to a poem of mine i think, i was trying to be useful, but for me that is a struggle lol. Oh I also think the ryme is good, and fitting. I also think the poem is clever, just the use of spaces is over the top, in my view. Hope this helps.
 — PaulBeers

damn hard to read, but worth it ... the first line sets me up for the challenge to pick the words out ... i'm wondering how it would look in print, and whether other words might also spring to life.
 — Bloodfetish

it's pretty cool but i suggest that you take out the "i" in L3 and put it into L4.
 — unknown

This kicks ass.  Very original.  Good for you.

The only thing I'd suggest is coming up with something in place of chase.  (It stinks of forced rhyme accomodation.)
 — themolly

It's just....awesome. I love it. Cold suitcases indeed.
 — unknown


 — OKcomputer

i like it.
 — noodleman

i really like it alot
i had no trouble reading it
very nifty
 — nicolecote

I liked it better before the edit.
But the last line is great, so I will forgive you.
 — claudia

it worked. overtime. amazing what so few words can accomplish when impeccably chosen and meticulously arranged.

grace ( and turbulence, we rate together)
 — borntodance

I guess I should probably say thanks for so much positive feedback, huh?

I practically left this one for dead after the first few, I'm glad to see its gotten a second chance like I hoped aloud in a previous comment.

Claudia--glad you noticed the edit!  I'm not super thrilled with line 3, but it works.

Here's the old one in case anyone wonders:

s l i p p i n g i n b e t w e e n t h e s p a c e s
a l l m y w o r d s a r e c o l d s u i t c a s e s
f o r g i v i n g y o u f o r g i v i n g c h a s e
i b o a r d t h i s f l i g h t t o s e e y o u r face.

i decided i didn't like the change at the end, i found it a bit...melodramatic? not a great word for it but hopefully ye catch my drift.

thankyouthankyouthankyou for the wonderful response.
 — root

if you would like to improve it, be my guest.
 — root

i think i like this one better.
 — inutile

i really liked this. especially the ending. short, to the point. good work.
 — gears

I liked "forgiving you for giving chase" a whole lot.  I want it to come back.  L3 as it is now trips me up every time.  Also, chase and grace rhyme much more nicely than places and grace.
 — unknown

God this is good. Revisiting.
 — OKcomputer

i think it's neat.
 — username

 — puddles

Just amazing!!
 — unknown

don't like this at all, it's way too hard to read. Why are terminals "our" remote places? And why on Earth would you mistake turbulence for grace? Maybe I'm just blind, but I don't get the point here.
 — unknown

After I took a pill for my dizziness, it worked.  Very well, actually.
 — Isabelle5

 — Isabelle5

It's just too hard to read.
 — HardRocks

I love to words you have chosen and the format is witty and apt.
 — Meep

duh, I meant the words.
 — Meep

i usually dont like gimmicks but your poem says something
 — unknown

I LOVE the poem, but reading it in this format is very, very difficult.  I found that I had to go back a few times and REread it just to understand each word.  It was like a wordsearch that made sense once I could make sense OF it.  I'd just rewrite it into a more legible format with line breaks/spaces and punctuation and it should stand just awesome on its own merit.  It's still a "10" just for the poetry itself as far as I'm concerned.
 — starr

Did you purposely leave off the "s" in grace at the end of L4 or shouldn't it be "graces?"  Just curious.
 — starr

it worked
confusing but it worked
cold suitcases, does not make any sense. how about lost suitcases?
maybe cold instead of sour in line 4?
i think you should add in an extra line in between lines 3 and 4.
you have a great concept here which i like. but there is potential for better.
overall, interesting.
 — SweetPain

Excellent poem, even after all this time.
 — Isabelle5

All this time later, it's still holds up just awesomely.  I now realize that from my previous post so long ago that it never needed an "s" at the end of line 4 afterall.  Perfect poem.  I love it.
 — starr


i like the visual rhymes at the beginning and the end of the lines.

s l i
a l l
i n
i m

a c e s
a s e s
a c e s
a c e

i like what i found in 3.
interminal sour motel places

just cool man!
 — gnormal

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