poetry critical

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Plastic Wrapped
SweetPain

I'm so polished and pretty LOVE ME LOVE ME!
 1
and give me all your pitty.
 2
I've got a pretty face but i sing like shit.
 3
Oh, yah come watch my show at my place.
 4
I'm breaking burning under the pressure.
 5
One more surgery and I'll be perfect.
 6
 
 
I live in a fishbowl, I love it.
 7
Really I don't mind.
 8
But I still have a big hole gaping and vacant.
 9
Tomorrow, i will give another smile.
 10
Every time its agony, stopping is the one thing i can't do.
 11
At this point I walk into an unfamiliar hotel room every night,
 12
alone, shallow and crying myself to sleep.
 13
I dont know who I am anymore,
 14
so many have a piece of me.
 15

6 Feb 05

Rated 8 (8.5) by 4 users.
Active (4): 6, 7, 10
Inactive (2): 8, 9, 10

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Comments:

i like it
 — tragicbubble

thanx tragic bubble!
 — SweetPain

so can anyone suggest any changes to this poem?
 — SweetPain

someone want to rate this??????
 — SweetPain

You are really very promising and good!  I like your poem and already like you.  Encouragement to continue your growth.  You have a good framework and more and deeper insights are yours to come as you grow.   This poem is a perfection, a statement-document of  this age of your life.  A keeper, for sure.  Way to go.  -netsky-
 — unknown

Wow thans a lot netsky! i can't beleive any would ever think that way about my poetry.
 — SweetPain

well i will give you all of my encouragement. this is wonderful.
 — unknown

I was just wondering, -netsky- do you think this poem is about my insecurity? Because its surely is not, and i'm not as insecure as you may like me to be.
 — SweetPain

I really like this, it seems like the kind of thing that would go on in Jessica Simpson's head(if she had a brain).
 — jittery

I don't think this shows your isecurity at all.
 — jittery

yes. i can suggest changes because this is promising and good things and lemon jelly.

beastly good title.
plastic is durable,useful, see-through, common, every-day. those kind of things. protected. porcelein. precious. insulated wanting to be on the other side of the plastic, yet captured by it, unable to break through, see through, difficult to communicate through. i dunno shit like that. picked up by the polish of the fish bowl, etc. nice, well thought out introduction to a poem.

1 love me love me. needs more emphasis. more spin. belly it. give it its own space. on a line of its own or two. maybe.

and then you could lose your head in this. which i did. sorry.

the possibilities are endless, personally i dig the words regardless of the structure, but visually. just that aesthetic on the page look thing ain't working.

i reckon you should play wiv the structure. cos the words could easily carry some structural experimentation. ie; where you indent with those straight line thingies. think white space instead. space. flow. what exists between nothing. your words have a mentally stimulating flow so should your structure.

9-10 intensely touching. really.

7 and 12 are both examples of poor line breaks. but no matter, the emotion is there, where the emotion rises break the line for additional emphasis. your words are subtle enough to carry it off.

the last line is a killer. loveful.

i think your words are really beautiful. and i'm not one to say that out of hand. which makes the next statement harsher i guess. sorry. your structure is killing this, step by step turning me away. free it please.

i'm sorry  about banging on. you can ignore me. its just that i related to this which is rare. it's about insecurities i believe, along with a dash of other stuff. you know. stuff like, you're pretty attitude, a fuck you attitude, a hurt attitude, a stuff you attitude, pain in my belly attitude, smile on my face attitude. that attitude that comes from so many people having a piece of you, and stuff i'd only wanna talk about in metaphor too.

excellent poem. i hope you'll work on your structural layout. but nevermind. my 3rd ten. it had to happen some time. am i signed in?

me. listening to shit. doing shit, enjoing coming up smelling of perfume cos of reading this good shit.

signed zion.

kaleidazcope
 — kaleidazcope

I made this more visually semetrical. Thanx kaleidazcope.
 — unknown

sorry that was the author speaking above :P.-SweetPain-
 — unknown

I like this minus the unneccessary "-------------"

Last stanza is good.
 — pennylane

The ---- are ment to be like inner narrative. lol i guess it didnt come across that way. -SweetPain-
 — unknown

I agree with pennylane get rid of the "-----"
 — unknown

I thought the first stanza was quite cliche. The last one is much much better!
 — unknown

thanx you for the kind words. -SweetPain-
 — unknown

PLEASE TAKE OUT THE DASHES!
 — unknown

Fine i will!
 — SweetPain

wonderfull piece of poetry, i wish that i wrote.
 — unknown

well thanx for thats unknown.
 — SweetPain

go eat some glass and wash it down with windex
 — unknown

LMAO, oh my. You first.
 — SweetPain

well i am happy your anus is working :D
 — SweetPain

This is OK with some interesting idead but i feel you havn't created the cut to the bone effect that you  may have been striving for and it comes over as insincere.
 — larrylark

thankyou larrylark, do you have any suggestions on how to make this better?
 — SweetPain

britney, jessica, and a hopeless thousand others. if only blond hair and big tits were enough to make one a serious artist those girls would be relative michelangelos. nice poem. one little gripe: l2: pity, not pitty.
Catbox
 — unknown

thankyou very much Catbox.
 — SweetPain

THIS is a song.
 — themolly

But how do I know that you're pretty?
 — unknown

Jessica Simpson does have a brain and you people shouldn't be judging people you have never bet by a poem <3 Good Write. <3
 — ArtzAngel

thanks man
and i guess i shouldnt be judging
but you've probably never met jessica simpson, and thats a judgement n'est pas?
 — SweetPain

*and you  like her...
 — SweetPain

-laughs- I really really like this poem. It really make me laugh
-claps-
 — inc_reign

you're swelcome man!
 — SweetPain

goodness that was nice
 — joewaysack

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