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blue light from the screen
lefttheparty

Poem that I can't share with the person it's about

The blue light from the screen
 1
the outline of a face
 2
close to mine
 3
 
 
(what am I doing here)
 4
 
 
she moved to the screen
 5
without elegance
 6
naked
 7
 
 
(where are my clothes)
 8
 
 
she stretched to reach it:
 9
the black hair
 10
falling
 11
over her face the curve of her back
 12
bathed in the blue light
 13
as she fumbled with the music
 14
 
 
(she looks beautiful)
 15
 
 
she crawled the length of her bed
 16
in her room
 17
bathed in the blue light
 18
from the screen
 19
 
 
(what am I doing here)
 20
 
 
she laid on top of me
 21
gin in her kiss
 22
smoke in her hair
 23
and I put it in
 24
again.
 25

30 Dec 04

Rated 7.5 (8.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 8
Inactive (1): 10

(define the words in this poem)
(11 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
Isabelle5
ribcages
theinternet



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Comments:

words fail me. i love this, seriously. it's one of the most intimate poems i've ever read. it's inherently sexual but avoids being nasty, and well, pornographic. excellent.
 — Catbox

I agree with Catbox.  This is very sexy.  I like the way you've put your thoughts in parentheses and I love how you repeated "What am I doing here?"

Very sensual and intimate.  I feel like I've been peeping - and I enjoyed it!
 — Isabelle5

Hmm. I was quite interested by this... I think it needs some revision/more thought, but it's very strong already.

ll4-5/21-22 I'm not sure that the combination of the two lines works as well as you might want. The connection between the two is a little faltering; we know how they relate to one another, but it doesn't come through quite clearly. Personally, I think you would do well to remove l4 (and l21); l5/22 stand pretty well by themselves.

About the lines in parentheses, I think they might have more weight/work better if they stood alone, rather than in the stanzas. For example:

she moved to the screen
without elegance
naked

(where are my clothes)

she stretched to reach it:
the black hair
falling
over her face the curve of her back
bathed in the blue light
as she fumbled with the music

(she looks beautiful)

I think it would help emphasize the slightly confused, excited, basically unsettled tone of those thoughts.

ll.18-20 I'm really not sure why the line is broken and "blue" given an entire line to itself. The color in this case doesn't really seem to need undue emphasis- it makes me stumble over the line, really.

l.23 typo: "laid"

ll23-27 The best part of the poem. Clear, sparse and lovely.

Overall, I think this is a strong piece, but needs a little tightening to help it flow better. One last suggestion I can make, relating somewhat to the parentheses, is to have the main text in one voice (perhaps in 3rd person) and the parentheses in another (1st, maybe?). Just a suggestion. Overall, nice work.
 — dandy

Thanks a lot for your comments, very very good ideas.  I changed it a bit based on what you said and I think it's better now.  I don't know about the perspective idea.  I'm going to leave that how it is for now, but I'll put some more thought into it and see what I come up with.

And that typo: that's what I get for writing in wordpad.

Thank you for the other positive responses too.
 — lefttheparty

this poem is amazing.
 — theinternet

Why can't you share this gorgeous piece of writing with the one you wrote it about? How could they not love it???
 — marionette

thanks for the comments.  I actually haven't spoken to the girl in over a year, but at the time I couldn't show her it because it was just a one night stand and I was embarassed.
 — lefttheparty

i agree with everyone else.
 — ribcages

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