| pause, take my breath |
noodleman
|
|
As I
|
1 |
|
slide slow across wide space
|
2 |
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where smooth lips once parted without effort
|
3 |
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to breathe concept into form
|
4 |
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to fill spaces in
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5 |
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between breaths.
|
6 |
|
|
|
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You would release me
|
7 |
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at midnight
|
8 |
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with the nudge
|
9 |
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of a single
|
10 |
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finger
|
11 |
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tip.
|
12 |
|
|
|
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You would release
|
13 |
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me at midnight in the guise
|
14 |
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of a little
|
15 |
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white
|
16 |
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bird
|
17 |
|
|
|
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and I would flit amongst the corpses
|
18 |
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of the fallen soldiers
|
19 |
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|
|
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and then
|
20 |
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I would, in feckless freedom,
|
21 |
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winnow through the fertile clay
|
22 |
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beneath the humid earth
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23 |
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of one woman's living history,
|
24 |
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all the time my back turned brazenly
|
25 |
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to the moon
|
26 |
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|
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while you would beckon me
|
27 |
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to lift the eyelids of the mouldering dead,
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28 |
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learn their secrets,
|
29 |
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refine your silhouette
|
30 |
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define your outmost boundaries
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31 |
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as white
|
32 |
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on
|
33 |
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red
|
34 |
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and afterward I would return at dawn
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35 |
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with secret maps of you
|
36 |
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you told me nothing
|
37 |
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I said nothing
|
38 |
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you said nothing
|
39 |
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would ever come between us
|
40 |
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but between us
|
41 |
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is where I
|
42 |
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am rooted
|
43 |
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while you have grown brittle
|
44 |
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and hard as slate
|
45 |
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I find now
|
46 |
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that my wings have been clipped and
|
47 |
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I leap
|
48 |
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back
|
49 |
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from the nothing in between
|
50 |
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them
|
51 |
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and you and, I
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52 |
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am dust dull mist soft silt sliding over dry earth
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53 |
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no longer gently leavened by sweet breath
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54 |
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that you would now hold fast
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55 |
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behind closed lips and
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56 |
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in between smooth
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57 |
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finger
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58 |
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tips
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59 |
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I face only the moon now
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60 |
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for there is nothing at my
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61 |
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back.
|
62 |
|
14 Dec 04 |
Rated 8.8 (8) by 18 users.
Active (18): 1, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (26): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5, 6, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(15 more poems by this author)
(16 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
william gibson got the prize for worst sex scene in a novel yesterday
this wouldn't have won.
that might be a compliment stranger.
still you try to hard. your construction is constructed rather than felt. u know this.
i see the talent. don't chain it.
do you see?
livin in a moment calls for rough patches.
intellectually however
this is perfect.
scored accordingly
— kaleidazcope
cos i know you.
i know you're experimenting.
now let the structure go
and be.
you are very talented.
but you are yet to find your own individual style.
every poem you post brings you nearer.
the words remain loveful
— kaleidazcope
spot on crit
and this remains fluid
and will be so until
it takes the form it needs
thanks, Kal.
— noodleman
mebbe. i may have time to come back and give a proper crit.
at a time when i'm not drinkin shadows
— kaleidazcope
This is very good with image and action; very visual, and its meaning is more embedded than spoken. I prefer the concrete, but still do adore the manic feeling of lines 30-33 (you told me that nothing I said/nothing you said you said nothing/would ever come between us/between us but between us ...).
My only suggestion for change is that the first stanza feels too abstract to track immediately: topography -- space -- concept -- form, and, in my opinion, the opening lines of any poem really have to grab a reader, and the abstract doesn't. A friend once told me he had an "anthology system" for judging poems, meaning that he would imagine flipping through an anthology, and asking of each poem he wrote: would the opening lines be enough for me to stop and read this particular poem? While I'd rather the first six lines be revised slightly, consider how this poem would read if it began in the middle of line 7: "Release me at midnight/in the guise of..."
Thanks,
— mikkirat
somewhere. where i didn't write an answer in full to a very silly thread, i gave compliments to mikkrat. i only mention it because it is worth mentioning
— kaleidazcope
thank you, mikkirat.
i need to let that mull
before acting on it.
-n
— unknown
revised.
— noodleman
add some bubbles
i'm a big fan of lines 20-21 and 26-27
id diguns it all
goo boo!
— onklcrispy
thnaks o'krisp and
goo boo too yoo too.
— unknown
needs work
the latin is crap
its closest translation
is "before the season of the poets rest"
but thats after guessing at the misspelled words
see in english you can kinda guess
but when you do that with latin
a couple of small changes and it could mean
"there is a resting poet inside a goddess"
etc..
— ona
the title means
'disparaging hymn for the dead in the middle of time'
and each word is spelt correctly.
it is exactly what the poem is about
and so i wonder what bothered you about it?
could you elaborate?
because 'crap' is so, well, pejorative.
it isn't meant to be a literal latin translation
but rather a contemporary english one.
except of course for the phrase 'in medias res'
which is in the original latin.
the rest are perfectly acceptable english words.
many words have latin roots.
even 'crap' has one. (medieval latin word is
crappa or crapinum, meaning 'chaff.'
— unknown
one more quick thing:
what, specifically, needs work
in the body of the poem?
i am very receptive to descriptive criticism
[as anyone on this site will tell you.]
please elaborate.
elucidate.
expound.
explain.
— unknown
i like the other better. (deleo, delere, delevi ) more apocalyptic. i'm not sentimental, so i'm not good to comment on personal stuff like this. the writing is good. i'm just too heartless to care.
and i agree: the title is fine. leave it. makes you want to read it.
— dookie
Poems like thsi make me feelk so stupid. I don't get it. I mean Im sure its good I just kinda get lost. It has a nice rythm.
XX
— unknown
email me
and i'll explain it
if you'd like.
and thanks for the kind words.
— noodleman
— unknown
final edit
— noodleman
its like a tease
you only go so far then back to structure
with structer there is no sence of the extreme feelings
that i can see present
but yet have a hard time feeling
because of the confines of the structure
now you can go on and say that thatis the way its supposed to be
but one big thing about writing
isn't just to bring to life life itself
but also new possibilities
if your are willing to bring about new possibilities in the title
yet not expound on this within the poem
its kind of a let down
but im sure you could asess this by my previous point
you just wanted to be sure
i wasnt just jurkn you around
can not two educated people convey simply
and still know what each other is talking about
or maybe im just a lazy californian....
— ona
thanks for your comments, ona.
i wonder how much less form this could handle, though.
there isn't much outside of line breaks
and minimal punctuation.
i strive for dense simplicity
leavened with manipulative rythym and
i like to leave spaces
for the reader to fill in
otherwise i'd keep a diary
the hints are there
the feelings are there
the heart is there
the bones are there
but how they are articulated
is up to you.
let's agree to disagree
on this.
thanks again,
noodleman
— unknown
n e mor
o pin yuns?
— noodleman
ka
mintz?
— unknown
How could I refuse such a polite request, Noodle? So here I am...
ll.1-5 Feels too unemotional, too clinical. I think it's caused by words like "topography" and "uncircumscribed... very lengthy, very analytical sounding. Perhaps some rephrasing for more human content?
ll.6-8 I know you've been experimenting with the fractured, descending line, but I think it's unnecessary in this part. It doesn't add a lot to the meaning of the words and distracts me a bit.
ll.14-15 I liked quite a bit. Nice creepy image- seems like a ancient Thracian-witch death ritual :)
ll.26-38 I found very interesting and enjoyed but fail to see how the structure contributes to the thought behind it. It's well done, but as Kal mentioned, it does seem more constructed than naturally flowing.
ll.39-40 I think the Christian references are a bit out of place or, at least, a bit blunt and blatant as compared to others. It puts a little bit of a bad taste in my mouth...
ll.45-47 There's a place where the fractured descent works beautifully. A nice finish, very appropriate.
Overall, I think this was well constructed... but that's just it, constructed. There's too much evidence of forethought and premeditated, deliberate composition. Which is as it should be, of course, but ideally it should be deliberately composed without flagrantly showing it. Just like masturbation, we all do it but we don't talk about it :)
— dandy
now that
[and kaleidazscope's)
i can sink my teeth
into.
back to the drawing board
:)
— unknown
changes made.
i cannot change topography.
it is the rightest word
because it ties to earth
and dream
both.
i am a rock on this.
— noodleman
I only really have two criticisms for this. First, the first five lines seem excessively wordy, especially ll3-5. That's all one sentence there and it starts a rhythm which is promptly dropped after it is finished for something much shorter and clipped (and effective, in my opinion) over ll6-13. You could probably manage to take at least three words out of there without changing a thing that is said, but you could also probably manage to take out up to eight or so without altering the meaning at all. If you do that, it will begin much better (also, 'into inchoate' trips me up with the repetition of the 'in' syllable, especially with that big round 'o' in the middle of 'inchoate'. It's a good word, but it's always a word which has seemed difficult to me to use well, because it's just so awkward sounding. It barely fits into normal spoken English, really).
Second criticism is that I'm not happy with the break between l38 and l39. Again, the sentence is running on a bit long and should have ended after l38, but then 'of trust' feels tacked on and makes the sentence run on. Moving a word or two between lines could possibly alleviate the problem, just to change where the emphasis is, but I'm not certain which word or words at the moment.
Also, the comma on l32 I don't think is necessary.
Quite fond of this beyond those two points, however.
— semaj
great crit.
i have murdered my little favourites
as you have requested
and now, semaj?
— noodleman
anytin else semaj?
— unknown
semaj?
— noodleman
Beautiful.
— unknown
6-13! 35, 30-31 excellento
— hank
Gah, sorry I've taken so long to get back to you. Okay.
I like the changes. They are nice and subtle-feeling. ll1-5 is definitely flowing a lot better now. Was the alliteration in the first two lines always there? It's nice, and it ends smoothly and naturally.
The only things which are coming to me now are to possibly add a comma after l14 (but possibly not), whether the parentheses are necessary around l17 or if a different method of setting that line apart might be more appropriate, and that possibly the rhyme between 'lips' and 'tips' at the end is a bit too close rhythmically. I like the rhyme, and I can make it work fine by reading a slowdown at the end, but at a natural reading speed it's a bit too close. No huge problem, though, in my opinion, and I can't think of any suggestions on what would clear that up, but for all it's worth it just might be my reading method causing the problem and no one else might see it at all.
Right. That's all that's coming to mind for now.
-semaj
— unknown
Thank you, semaj. perfect. i needed someone to affirm the death of the parens for me. and the comma is perfect. sorry if i'm gushing over punctuation, but i really sweat stuff like that.
-noodleman
— noodleman
new wing on the house.
— noodleman
Extremely thought-provoking. Had to read it several times..it is almost a stream of consciousness with a powerful underlying message. Very interesting style and form with stark and disturbing imagery.
— GregoryC
Do wish people wouldn't use the small i
— unknown
noodle--you've made many a change to this, I wodner if you are thinking of more? If you're done fiddling with this, then I'll just leave a comment, but if you're still open to suggestions, I'll leave a crit too. What say you, noodles? Finished, or still breathing?
— wendz
...the small i is truly used for a reason here. I appeciate your preference, though, unknown.
...keep critting, wendz! (please)
...greg: Thanks for the kind words!
noodleman
— unknown
oh: and to the ass-suck who gave me a three: just make it a one and stop trying to be original, cum-lips. it's a decent poem, and you know it. if you have a problem with the writing, take the time to give me a thought-out explanation. dropping a low score with no words is just petty and childish. it's like leaving a burning pile of dogshit on a doormat, ringing the bell and running away. grow the fuck up, child.
noodleman
— unknown
First off, I love the transition of l12 into l13. It's just something which makes me think of images slowly solidifying, and then becoming "real" at that point. Like watching mist slowly lift away to reveal the ground beneath, in all its early morning glory.
First stanza is excellent, I love how it takes after the thought of the first stanza, yet at the end leaves us with a different image and thought, to be carried on.
L21 could be written better, but I'm not totally sure how. It just doesn't have the same beauty as the previous couplet. I think it might be the arrangement, perhaps switch the positioning of the couplets, as you've said that the "i" was released in the form of a little bird, then you described the bird's release. It just feels redundant to me, having the same two things described. I love the third couplet though.
L37--I would put "you said nothing" on the next line, and perhaps in italics and as fragmented (away from the left alignment). I just feel as if there is a special significance to that little play on phrase.
L42--"discarded"? I'd hesitate on calling you out for typos, but I'm pretty sure this is. I'd m-w it, but it's hot and I am tired already. ^_^ *sits and waits to be proven wrong*
L45--as much as I *do* like this line, the poem itself is filled with such originality that this lets it down. I appreciate its linkage with a struggling insect, trying to fly, but please, I beg of you, alter the wording. Keep the thought, but alter the wording.
I love how the second last stanza ties in with the second, and how they leave me with the same feel as when I started reading this (outside of the italics), only sadder and slightly more melancholy.
This is, noodleman, a stroke of pure loveliness and genius. I love the ethereal quality, the images and language of the whole piece. The entire ninth stanza is my favourite, although this whole poem is beautiful. I could sit here for a long long time and tell you every single thing I got from this, every single reading possible and each and every way in which I like it, but I won't. My fignertips hurt. ^_^ So I'll just say this; this is definitely one of the most beautiful love poems I have ever read.
I'm assuming there's more to this (I *know* there's more), but I'm gonna have to delve through it at my own leisure (and pleasure). Suffice to say noodles, this is very, very good. And you know it. ^_^
-wendz
— unknown
sigh. blush. wendz... :)
— unknown
hello.
'tisn't meant to be a latin phrase tho it uses some latin words (and congratulations, 'tis meant to conjure up gravestones and death in the mind so you've hit on it)
pejorative as in 'deprecatory'
requiem as in 'death song' or 'lament'
in medias res as in 'in the middle of things'
so, my dear friend, it means to evoke the idea of
a somewhat angry and deprecatory yet sad and lamenting song about the death of trust in the midst of an ongoing relationship.
and the violins should begin in any minor key and stay away from descending scales.The first movement begins quietly, so quietly that silence threatens to overwhelm the susurrus of strings, until the oboe comes in with the first statement of the theme.
things build rapidly after that but then recede into a relaxed cadence.
the real treat comes later, but I'll leave you to discover that on your own.
suffice it to say that the movement ends with the musical tension screwed to the sticking point; it then relaxes in the second movement, in a delicate, expressive segment that's the musical equivalent of the sun coming out. or the moon. take your pick. i think the moon is inherently more poetic and so did willie shakes.
does that answer your question?
-noodleman
— noodleman
'tis kind of you to visit.
— noodleman
eny wot else?
— unknown
Don't know why i'm so amuzed, lots of comments, could not read many, there are a number of exceptional lines in there that got my attention, well done.
— PaulBeers
Thansk.
— unknown
anything in particular you didn't like, paul? i'd love to know so i can improve...
noodleman
— unknown
all right, noodleman ... i have to do this a little at a time ... this isn't one of those poems that can be critiqued in 15 minutes ... it's good work, and deserveds thought ... so i'm starting with the first 18 lines, and i'll get around to the rest as i can
the beginning of the poem is brilliant ... i said as much earlier, but here's why ... the rhythm/scan combined with italics give the first stanza a wonderfully slippery feel, like it's in the mind, spoken sibliant ... the repetition is excellent, and allows me to slide along to
the next stanza ... you're handling of ital to prosaic type is well done ... fits in the mind just as it should ... not too startling, but brings us to the change of rhythm with the tiniest jolt ... a playground slide with just a bit of a bump
where/smooth lips is a little soft ... i like harder endings on lines, but this one works
and the break in/between is both visual and audible .... lovely
however ... between breaths when/you would release me (17 and 18) .... line 17 ends too soft, and 18 begins too soft. i'd like this better if you dragged a few counts from 18 up to 17
---------------------
between breaths, when you would release
me at midnight with the nudge
---------------------
it no longer scans, but the reader's mind pauses infintessimally on release (it's just something minds do when they read the end of a line in poetry), then catches again on "me" ....
release
me
i'm stopping here ... have to get ready for work ... but i love this poem .... more tk
— Bloodfetish
thanks for an awesome critique! i shall return the favour in due time...
— noodleman
i'm back ... this time to whine, bitch and moan ...cause i just don't get it ...
lines 20, 22 and 24 each end on "of," then start (respectively) "a," "the," and "the"
with line 19 starting and ending so beautifully "a single finger tip"
why end on "of" three lines running .... i know there has to be a reason for this ... you're a good poet, so i figure i'm missing something ... but still ... i'd like to see it tighter, stronger ...
you would release me at midnight in the guise 20
of shimmering white bird &nbs p; &n bsp; 21 (changed a little to shimmering)
you would leave me to flit amongst the bodies 22
of fallen soldiers &n bsp; &nbs p; &n bsp; 23 (deleted the)
you would beckon me to lift the eyelids & nbsp; 24
of mouldering dead &nbs p; &n bsp; &nbs p; 25 (deleted the)
i like the harder endings ... the ones that make you look at the word and wonder ...
— Bloodfetish
that's how i had it before. thanks!
— noodleman
*heh* ... told you i'd be back for more ... have to do this one in bite-size bits and thinks ... now, back to work ... have a pain story to write ... but can say 24-30 ... *yow* ... lovely
— Bloodfetish
ps: moon = diana. just a tidbit for you. :)
— noodleman
"feckless freedom" feels wrong ... slithery ... i'm not sure that's the image you're looking for
afterwards (line 35) isn't really a word ... afterward/backward/forward ... nit-picking, i am
still, from lines 30 to 45, nothing but clear, crisp, delightful imagery and flow ... except for those two tiny nits ...
Diana is one of my patrons, part of my pantheon .... Huntress, Goddess ... I saw Her there
— Bloodfetish
feckless stays, i am married to it. so there.
thanks for 35, tho! and i really appreciate all the attention. i o u bigtime.
-nm
— unknown
from line 45 on i have nothing to say, but "o hell yeah." there's a reason why this is in my favorites ... that list is one i go back through at least once a week, just so i can read the wonders there ...
i'm done here, nm ... i love this
— Bloodfetish
my words can't describe what I think of your poem.
In a good way.
— jusmat
thanks, jusmat.
i still owe you one :)
— noodleman
parts of this are resonate, others are extraneous. Cut or rework lines 37-44.
— themolly
Way too long. I didn't like it. Keep it short and sweet and to the point as "they" say.
Don't bore your audience. Incorporate rhythm and rhyme.
— LivingLies
thank you themolly. reworked. better i think.
— noodleman
I don't like the ampersands in the beginning. The beginning doesn't really draw me in. If I had been in a lazier mood, I may not have read this.
Man am I glad I am not in a lazy mood. By line 7 I was fully committed. By the end I was amazed.
— housepoppy
it has been edited. thanks! (title too)
— noodleman
cool
— unknown
ahem.
I leap
back
sorry had to read this one before i read the next one if you see what i mean. and just noticed that missed opportunity.
— unknown
and close me italics
— unknown
which i have failed to do
— unknown
how embarrassing
— unknown
blah blah blah blah
— unknown
great poem
— unknown
you can close my italics for me. hows that?
— unknown
AAARGHHHHH change the title back CHANGE THE TITLE BACK!!!
*stomps on your neck*
— unknown
— unknown
closed
— unknown
you really screwed up with the italics you butt.
— unknown
— unknown
this is infuriating.
— noodleman
i'm very sorry. these things happen.
— unknown
*coughs* Pleas echange the title back..please...*cries*
— unknown
I don't go much on it but thats okay you probably love yourself enough to get over it
— unknown
actually i dont but im on meds so its ok.
— noodleman
BETTER!!!!!!!
— themolly
great imagery, nice smooth style.
— Trish77
OI! I've a bone to pick with you!
You killed the beautiful italiced bits!
And this title doesn't blow,
but I'm used to the other one!
It was beautiful.
Can you *please* change it back?
Please....
— wendz
I am wonderfully caught up in the words and
visual of your poem.
I see it through untrained (writing skilled) eyes.
And so I am very moved and love every word of it.
noodleman, thanks for all of your help, on my poem "Illusions of Her Love"
I made all the changes you commented on,
And now I love it!
I hate being a pain...but would you critic my new poem "The Movement of Silk"
I have made some changes already...
But I would be helped so much, I know,
If you could give me comments.
— schotsy
this is the best poem i have ever read noodle. we have never truly been friends. we were only fellow poets searching for different things in life...i hope you find yours, i'm still searching. goodbye.
— Odin
oh amazing
— tragicbubble
hmm...
i've reread it several times.
reread the comments too.
i want to like this overall...but i just don't. partly, its a personal taste thing for me; i tend to enjoy poetry that points out obvious things in unsual ways. but also, i couldnt bend my mind around what's really happening here, and therefore its hard for me to care about the "I" in the poem. i guess the dark imagery gives me the impression that the pair weren't happy to begin with, so what difference does it make if your wings get clipped? also, lines 35-38 are a bit trite.
however, there are parts that really stand out:
1. the title
2. the first stanza
3. LINES 28-34 ESPECIALLY AWESOME
this cut may miss your point entirely, but either way i enjoy your wording here:
pause, take my breath
As I
slide slow across space where
smooth lips once parted without effort
to breathe concept into form
fill spaces in
between breaths.
you told me nothing
I said nothing
you said nothing
would ever come between us
but between us
is where I
am rooted
— Xiada
you are too awesome for words to tell, noodleman.
— ducktape
lines 28-36th are absolutely amazing, and i absolutely love the internal rhyme between lines 46 and 49 with lips and tips... I really like this, and i am absolutely in love with the last three section, 'I face only the moon now/ for there is nothing at my/ back.' It gives it an incredible mystic and just.. lonely (?) feeling. I dont know, but I know I like it, alot. You are incredibly talented noodleman.
— sweetlemon
freekin arsomes
— unknown
good poem
— infinity
true.
— unknown
Nice poem, it's got good flow, shame you'll be leaving this site. I suppose there'd be nothing here for me either. Went to search for your poem "My Thurday Poem" Shame you deleted all your poems as well. Well I've never really known you but best of luck to you anyway. Bye.
— DeathShards
ironic how he left us with only this poem--about an ending.
— Xiada
thats not ironic. thats calculated.
— adiscodancer
hi i miss you
— youthculture
good poem.
— unknown
Don't worry youthcultre he's still here , watching .
— sir_I_clan
you left me at the last three lines
breathless.
-citruslady
— unknown
thanks citruslady
— noodleman
the poem just feels so much was built on its format, maybe only discovered when posting to the screen, that fill-in of certain lines, dropping of single words to lines that don't do anything in the way in the read of this poem other than to "decorate" the written page were taken. I've a feeling it was a much smoother read as a draft...and I'd relook this from that basis and forget all the sharp little "angles."
Jo
— NoWayJo
actually, no. the angles bother me no end, but the poem is broken the way it is meant to be read. i can see how you might have come to that conclusion, but it is actually the other way around.
i hope against hope that people will read it rather than look at it,but it is kinda asking to be lookd at as an object so i dont blame you, per se.
— noodleman
you told me nothing 37
I said nothing 38
you said nothing 39
would ever come between us 40
but between us 41
is where I 42
am rooted
amazing. I am so impressed, I hate flattering you bc all here do. But, DAMn, you're good.. it gets me!
— 5foot3
Loverly.
— leah
This was posted the day after my birthday.
— unknown
posted 2 days after mine. how odd.
— noodleman
happy late late late birthday.
— unknown
thanks
— noodleman
Breathless
— Isabelle5
oh my, I adore and miss you most ardently, noodley.
— Bombazine
48-52 are awkward as hell, by the way. 'that' iin L55, I think, is unnecessary, as is the "closed" after it, to some extent.
-B
— Bombazine
beautiful. absolutely beautiful. just let your emotions ring out, dont hold back. bravo
— unknown
beautiful. absolutely beautiful. just let your emotions ring out, dont hold back. bravo. favorite.
— unknown
This is the best writing I've seen in a while.
— leonxic
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