poetry critical

online poetry workshop



concrete love
akiikii

You told
 1
her to
 2
stop her
 3
hiding.
 4
So she
 5
did, and
 6
there
 7
behind
 8
her not-
 9
so-clever  mask  you
 10
found  she  loved  you
 11
too. You raced together
 12
toward  a  future  you
 13
 
 
            simply didn't
 14
      know anything about,
 15
   and,                      sadly,
 16
there was              deep hurt
 17
at the                        end of
 18
things.                     At least,
 19
it seemed                  the end
 20
until                            dying
 21
autumn                    burst to
 22
  new life                 where
 23
      something scary and
 24
            familiar was
 25
                waiting.
 26
 
 
There you                         found
 27
  yourself                        again
 28
    in the                        arms
 29
     you                       could
 30
      not                  (though
 31
       you                   tried
 32
         so hard)      forget.
 33
          You          found  
 34
            that the same
 35
              connection
 36
               that was
 37
                 there          
 38
                   at
 39
 
 
first still lived somehow, inspite
 40
of  the  death  dance  you  had
 41
done in
 42
honor of
 43
its loss,
 44
and she,  shame, was the
 45
same sweet girl who used
 46
to laugh
 47
and hold
 48
your hand.
 49
Now  there  is  left  a question...
 50
what's to be done with the mess?
 51

30 Nov 04

Rated 8.3 (8.2) by 20 users.
Active (20): 1, 1, 6, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (25): 1, 1, 4, 4, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(12 more poems by this author)

(15 users consider this poem a favorite)
beekers
eLisheba
genki
iamswanson
Isabelle5
likeavirus
mot_juste
ShadowedWave
silly
Smylinqt
sparrow
TearDrop
tj
Tortured
twinkies4yoo



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Comments:

Oh wow. This is beautiful. The structure..even the story...it's just awesome. There are some dodgy bits where the narrative falls off, but I'll leave that for someone else to pick apart. I'm still quietly stunned by the shape and look of this. Wow. Brilliant.
 — wendz

Ditto. Who you are? It doesn't matter. Post it on a telephone pole. Post several. Line 50-51, who wrote that?  Maybe Cicero. AD 6.
 — unknown

creative and true. speaking straight, and leaving us with the question.. what do you do when you can't stop something that you thought you could, but you can't get rid of the 'mess' either. Brilliant
 — PipPatois

ooooh...... I am impressed!
this must have taken you forever.
My only tips--there are a few places where you are starting your line with "And" or "and".  In my humble opinion, this word is rarely (if ever) strong enough to start its own line.  9 times out of 10, you can rework a sentence/line to skip the word "and" and end up with a bolder more cunning phrase.  
Just food for thought... Nice work.
 — aforbing

yeah, the ands were bothering me to.  They were simple (lazy) solutions to spacing problems mostly.  I have actually reworked this a bit as it originally had no punctuation at all.  I'll see what I can do.
 — akiikii

This is one that will sail right to the top of the top rated list i'm sure!
I'd consider it an achievement if i had even been able to form the shape, forget about saying something interesting....

This has been the most impressive thing i've seen for a while!
         L     v        & nbsp;  it
       &nbs p;   o     e
 — silly

thats "love it" by the way....? not some clever message!
 — silly

made some slight changes.  Any better?
 — akiikii

Oh yes... this is MUCH better now!  Another high score.
Can you score something twice??  I am ignorant on that.
 — aforbing

wow.
 — mangina

lovely. really.
 — Ananke

Thank you guys.  Did anyone notice that "love" is both the answer to the question and the mess the story leaves?
 — akiikii

I prefer the old title, sorry. I thought this was a sequel there.....try doing a sequel...that'd be good
 — shakes

thanks, shakes, I'll try another concrete poem soon.
 — akiikii

I'm just going to make a small comment right now, as I'm not sure what else to say regarding this yet - "her not so clever mask" in ll9-10 should be a hyphenated phrase ("her not-so-clever mask"). It should be fine like so:

So she
did, and
there
behind
her not-
so- clever  mask  you
found   she  loved  you
too.

-semaj
 — unknown

ouch...a four and no help.  Come on now, kids, play nice.
 — akiikii

i think this is quite lovely. you are very creative with your work. i like that, bravo.
 — Ferroggiaro

does it really deserve a one?  With such a low mark, I would love to hear any suggestions for improvements...
 — akiikii

This is wonderful - first  liked the layout, then I read the poem and I liked it more. I think joie de vivre expresses it best, followed by jealousy; I think the one who gave it a one got bitten by the jealousy bug - a nine from me anyway, being a magnimous sort - and it is almost Christmas,
 — opal

wow that was really good !! visit my site.. www. fictionpress.com~remebering never
 — unknown

Never a 4 or a 1! This is a 10 all the way..
 — silly

I missed this!!!  This is one of the most amazing things I've seen.  It works as poetry and as visual.  Holy Spotted Cow!
 — Isabelle5

bravo!
 — Catbox

Thanks for the comments, guys.
 — akiikii

awesome, amazing, i love the format!
 — tragicbubble

Love Love Love LoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLo veLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLove
 — unknown

This is the raddest thing I have ever seen
 — unknown

another soon to come....
 — akiikii

Love it!
 — PaulBeers

meh.
 — unknown

How did I miss this?  This is good work.
 — unknown

Echo above and applause

Opal
 — unknown

Very impressive.
 — unknown

I really liked it..
 — bobbykeyes

Raises unsettling thoughts about ex-loves- But thats my problem, not yours. You have created an absolutely wonderful piece.
 — Cloudless

a good poem to be remembered...
thanks...
 — genki

Kind of sweet and sad, but nothing too original, and I'm totally unsold on the necessity of writing it in a concrete form. That probably helped you find some more original choices (why I like forms for poetry) but could probably be dropped afterwards.
 — synej

It was written in concrete form because it was in response to a concrete "poem" that had been written to me.  The one written to me simply contained the words "stop hiding" repeated within the word love.  Love, in this poem, is both the answer and the mess that is left.  The shape of the V represents the arms spoken of, and the "connection" (the bottom of the letter) that remained.  The hollow letter O represents the empty space left at what was believed to be the end of a relationship....one that eventually came full circle.  I wonder....would it have deserved a four if it had not been on the top-rated list?  If so, helpful suggestions would be appreciated.
 — unknown

again, if it is worth a one, it is worth a comment.  Shame, shame.
 — akiikii

WOW that's all I can say, If you came up with that yourself  It's great
 — unknown

very very nice.

beautiful poem, even better structure. i love concrete poetry when it's done well.
 — mould_jesus

GOOD    By Sophia Martin
 — unknown

LOVEly. :)
 — Rhein

dom
 — unknown

I can appreciate the skill it takes to create a shape poem, but other than as a game or an excercise, I've never seen the point.  My problem I guess.
This particular shape--that of the ultimate over-used word--made this a strain to read (for me).

The real problem is that it's obvious that you have use filler words to make the shape work.  That practice inevitably weakens the rest of your words.  I fear that if you had put the same words in a less spectacular format, this one would not be as beloved as it seems to be.
 — housepoppy

I've already seen this poem before..nice try
 — unknown

Housepuppy, thanks for you criticism.  Are there any specific areas that you find weak, because I would be happy to delete or change words that you see as "filler."  The "point" of the poem being concrete and using the word "love" is that it was written in response to a concrete poem in the same shape which had been written to me.  I used to be very close-minded about concrete poems as well, but have grown to believe they are quite beautiful as long as the words are as powerful as the shape.  any advice on how to improve my wording....I can worry about the formatting on my own.
 — akiikii

I am cloze-minded to the possiblility I may be close-minded about anything! lol

The words I (subjectively) think are unnecessary are as follows:l3 her, l5 so,
l7, l10 &11 you found, l12 together (maybe not), l14 simply, l17 deep hurt should be something stronger, something less-done-before, l18&19 of things,
l29 the, l33 so hard, l34-40 are more wordy than necessary, l40 inspite should be in spite, l41&42 avoid the passive, should be "did" instead of "had done".
 — housepoppy

I add my "wow" to the wows.
 — Quichemarie

the whole spelling out love is really cool....distracting but when i make myself read it an awsome poem...i had to read it about 5 times till i could pay attention to the words..but once i got it....it was beautiful
 — Imagine

cute!!!!!
 — unknown

I love the structure. You rock
-Larissa
 — unknown

hello
   my
    name
  &nbs p;   is
    &n bsp;  manuel
 — unknown

awesum possum =]
 — unknown

WOW!!! THis sHoULd reALLy be PuT IN a poETry bOOk!! iT wAS ReAllY NiCE!!
goOD JoB!!

bianca
 — unknown

that is really cool but the poem itself is corny and gross
 — unknown

this is mtv teenage road rules elimidate acne ridden crap...

LOVE actually
 — unknown

gr8
 — unknown

that is so totally awesome! superb


~sun times
 — unknown

i liked the poem
 — unknown

kfgopijfh
 — unknown

Beautiful. The only thing I don't get is what mess? They found themselves again at the end, their love still there and unchanged. Don't know where the deep hurt that got in the way came from but I say forget the past. They're luckier than some as they got a second chance. Not a sad poem but a very happy one! Good for them and good for you. I'm giving this a 9 only because I fail to get the question at the end.
 — wamblicante

What a flashy show off poem, nice visual effect
 — larrylark

this is brilliant ... almost says it all, really
 — tj

sorry this is a stupid ass poem!!!!  Fuck go take class PLEASE!!!!!!!
 — unknown

this is great, i love the shape
 — unknown

can u do a heart shaped oneplz xxx
 — unknown

wonderful.
I know just how this feels. enchanting how you captured these emotions!
 — sparrow

  V
 — unknown

wow this is awesome [: keep it upp
 — unknown

Just for the sake of format, perhaps in stead of 'so hard' L33 simply 'to'?
 — unknown

I get the question at the end.  CM
 — unknown

concrete crap.


another kelli clarkson lyric disguised as a poem



since u been gone
 — unknown

Awesome!
 — starr

hard to read, but the love effect is worth it, must have taken you ages to do!
 — bleach

I loveee thisss :]
 — TearDrop

Fantastic, very well done =)
 — Kellie_Fern

Skilled and lovely calligraphy too.  You'd have to be up it not to like this.
 — unknown

(-_-)
 — dia

WOW!!
This is a fantastic piece of poetry!
#1 Concrete poem eva!
(IM A POEM FREAK ^_^)
 — unknown

I already rated this a long time ago (10) and just noticed a couple of small things:  L33 you need "to" forget and L40 "in spite" are two words not one.  Correct me if I'm mistaken.  This is a really sweet piece of art.  It's different.  Good work/Good LOVE!
 — starr

The best compliment I can give. This poem made me smile... :)
 — Andramelach

Now this is a pimp structure.
 — ApGwLnOsA

What you have done on the page visually is clever - but the poem is sterile. No figurative language - no concrete images. Poetry is not just about getting an emotion on paper - its about making that emotion come alive. I think you are sincere - read some contemporary poetry - "Prarie Home Companion" is a good place to start.
 — unknown

hey is it written by you i don't beleive u r so creative seems to be ur story U know who i m  not to be named need some more of improvement U can do more well Three Cheers for U
 — unknown

Really dislike the format, makes it very hard to read and cheapens the poem.
 — rocket

I'm normally not a fan of the whole "picture-structure" thing. But this works...masterfully.

Well done,
Z
 — zack

Wow this is a great poem and it seems you worked really hard on it. This is a really good poem and i love it!!!
 — unknown

cool.. i like it and the date?? its my birthday....
 — unknown

i really can relate 2 dat poem!
 — unknown

Wow dang you, you stole my IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  oH WELL!!
 — unknown

Ashley and Robert that go to Victor Valley High School are going to have a baby!!!!  
 — unknown

beautiful.
 — gonewrong

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