poetry critical

online poetry workshop

If We Both Become Aware

I came home early last night
And found someone in my bed.
You know my love looked so happy
Lying there in someone elses arms.
It made me hurt deep inside
To know someone elses touch
Could make her look so satisfied.
I felt so cold standing there
Knowing nothing would ever be the same
Because one of us would have to leave
If we both became aware.
Oh, how I wanted to deny,
Turn around and go,
Pretend my eyes were deceiving me.
For what they captured
I couldn't bear
But pain punched me in the chest
And filled my eyes with tears.
As I backed away, I stumbled
And the room went bright with light.
Oh, the sorrow in my darlings eyes
As she looked into my misery.
"No! Noooo." She softly cried
As her betrayal struck us both
And sent love staggering out the door
Leaving nothing behind but agony.

8 Jan 03

Rated 6.5 (6.3) by 6 users.
Active (6): 5, 6, 7, 7
Inactive (2): 5, 6, 7, 7

(define the words in this poem)
(261 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


Line 3 reads like 'attack of the unnecessary commas.' I'd try to eliminate some of the cliches in this piece. Good luck with your revisions.
 — unknown

Line 3 is much better now :)
 — unknown

wow almost crushing for a moment to read. I'd get rid of 5-7; drop line 9; and because from 10; change deny in line 12 to dare; line 14 pretending instead; 25: And I said, life is just a dream. I love the presentation of becoming aware, of choosing to be sane, and the intimacy of your relationship as "she looked into your misery".
 — C

this could be beefed up a bit, but the story is nice (especially 23)... get beefing, though.
 — unknown

 — xsadxstarx

slap that bitch! (Oh, did I say that outloud?!) The idea of this happening is awful but I think it's well delivered. I would have expected some interaction with the guy in the bed with the woman, though.
 — Isabelle5

Excellent, was this from personel experience.
 — timbosys

the author obviously has experienced this.
nice one.
 — SweetPain

This grabbed my attention. It was extremely detailed. You are an artist who uses words instead of a brush. Very nice picture you painted!
 — History

nice. regret the topic.
 — listen