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balancing (reason) with (belief)
ShelbyS

This is the plunge;
 1
 
 
picking skulls clean,
 2
absorbing symbols you’ve never
 3
even tasted before today.
 4
 
 
Bumbling, always stumbling to the door
 5
when no one is knocking and
 6
 
 
no one ever was knocking.
 7
 
 
You insist:
 8
"I heard the banging, I heard the banging!"
 9
 
 
quite frantically, until I hold the impression
 10
that you’re trying to convince yourself as much
 11
 
 
as you’re trying to convince me.
 12
 
 
That isn’t sweat dripping down your spinal cord,
 13
this isn’t your last dying breath pulled in before
 14
the cold hits like a tornado
 15
suddenly and without refrain.
 16
 
 
This is a piece of your mind slowly
 17
melting into the greater whole.
 18
 
 
("If your parachute should fail to open, please use
 19
the backup chute. If the backup chute fails
 20
as well, please say your peace and prepare to cease.")
 21
 
 
You can't stop the ground
 22
from rising.
 23
 
 
You can’t stop the string from stretching
 24
to its hardened limit;
 25
 
 
even if you are prepared to
 26
destroy us all in the
 27
process.
 28

14 Nov 04

Rated 5.3 (7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 3, 6, 7
Inactive (2): 8, 9

(define the words in this poem)
(42 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

me likes it. but me has nothing to say. If me may quote you:  "this is quite good. I dont have any critique at this moment, but I will try to make my way back to this when I have an idea."
 — peanut

8 why add 'to me'?

22 and 23 have an unneccessarry if it is coming. though i approve of the sentiment.

this starts very well, from 9 i felt less in tune. 19 and 21 then retuned me.
it moves from rhythmic to clinical. very precise towards the end, where it was inventive and hallucigenic at the start. which works when you have two voices. overall the tone is interesting.

i might play with the tense around you'ld, held, and you were, etc. i haven't really made my mind up either way, about that.
 — kaleidazcope

One thing I really like about this poem is that it grabs the reader with a unique, stark image right from the start.  I like kal's description of it as "hallucinogenic," quite accurate.
The shift in voice and tone midway through the poem works well overall, but I feel like I missed the point in lines 11-13: maybe it's just a question of punctuation, maybe grammar, but I first read it as "convince yourself that there is someone knocking," but then read it as "convince me that isn't sweat."  The way the poem is structured now leads me to conclude that lines 17-18 (This is a piece of your mind slowly melting...) are the actual crux of the poem, the thing the voice is telling the 2nd person, but I don't know if it is all that clear.  Maybe you could alter the metaphor in 17-18 (melting) to match up with the "plunging" theme.  
Thanks,
 — mikkirat

this is kickin some ass, man. i like it quite a bit.

keep coming up with good shit like this. i have nothing more to say.
 — AEOS

Nice... I'd like to see even more internal rhyme, like in line 5.
it is very effective.
 — aforbing

thankyou verymuch.
 — ShelbyS

Shelby dear, this one stumps me. There is a little image forming, but I'll get back to you. I keep thinking and feeling trance music when I read this though, is that mere coincidence?
-wendz
 — unknown

I'm guessing that the "you" refers to people trying to stop progress, but the eprsona realises and know sthat progress is inevitable, no matter how much the "you" figure is trying to halt it. It feels almost as if the whole piece hinges on lines 17 and 18. It seems also as though the "you" figure is in denial, denial that s/he is part of a greater "plan", and is trying all s/he can to stop it, partly because of fear, partly because of ignorance of the higher state of being. Does that make sense?
 — wendz

i love it. with all that's happened to me recently, this is quite soothing.
 — thirdeyris

keep on the trail Wendz, either way youll learn some interesting things.

thanks everybody for all comments.
 — ShelbyS

please comment.
 — ShelbyS

the tense still bothers me.
the unneccessary thing has disappeared wonderfully.

maybe capturing an expression is more
light, ethereal ... photographic.


18 a debate could be made on 'the' versus 'a'

the braketed thing is well done. there is a humm felt in the underbelly
when it is read out loud, as it is layed out.

why the us in 27.
i'm interested to know how you think things change when it is removed.
i feel it adds an impersonalility that draws in the reader
compellingly.

personal shit man.
the kind that comes bup smellinhg of roses.
i am wearing my cliche pants

i'd wear my sunday pants
but i'm not sure it's sunday anywhere,
anymore.

bleh at my digressions
rescored
 — kaleidazcope

l2-4 love it.

not so sure of lines 5-7. the don't work i think. its too much unneeded sound-effects while the poem so far hasn't been like that.

love lines 11-12

this reminds me of The Raven when he keeps going to the door and there's no one there.
or The Devil's Law Case act III, ii when one surgeon says "Is the wind in that door still?" when he hears the dead man groan.`````````````````
Also it reminds me of the broken communication in Canto II, a game of chess from the waste land.

i'm please you made me think of all these things.

love line 13, i can just see it dripping down. l15 doesn't work though, tornado is too harsh and slow of a weathering away. i think you want an image of a sudden ending- like a door slamming or a man being beheaded with a guillotine. something deft.

21 "peace and prepare to cease" is lovely.

the ending was okay... but lacked a lot of the emotional intensity of the rest of the poem. was this for a particular reason?
 — alibi

is the person supossed 2 b crazy? (No Offense if not)
 — unknown

YESIAMNOTCRAZY NOW!!!>AS>!
 — ShelbyS

hahaha... shelby, it makes me want to laugh.
You remind me of Spinoza with this one.
 — thirdeyris

I don't think "hardened" is the right word for a string's limit. Perhaps "tensile" ?

"absorbing" and "tasted" mixes the metaphor in an awkward way. If you absorb, you can't taste.

Better line break:
"Bumbling, always
stumbling to the door"
-or something, but the ones in this stanza don't work for me

"quite frantically, until I hold the impression
that you’re trying to convince yourself as much
as you’re trying to convince me. "
-this thought is good, but it shouldn't take three lines to say - leaner would be more effective
 — eajohnson1

i love it
 — unknown

This doesn't have enough style and hangs together like a pastiche.
 — larrylark

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