poetry critical

online poetry workshop

little boy curious

he walked alongside his true best
friend, the thing that kept things moving,
his life, the wind.
and slumped as raindrops
fell on his boots and skipped
off his heels to the black asphalt chutes
where he, little boy curious,
could faintly see the impression
“I Lov U, Suki” carved in a tree
and the pink sunset gently
reflecting off puddles of slime
burning holes through gutters
of litter and grime.
still little boy curious marched,
the wind right at his side, with no umbrella
or raincoat, just a bag by his thigh.
his curly afro was a mess,
(but that was no surprise), and the rain
whizzed past his face, into his wandering brown eyes.
and three stories up
came the silly voices of boys bringing
taunts to the night sky and chatter and noise.
“Hey! Lil boy—you!
whatcha doin’ down there?
Don’t you know that it’s stormin’
and lightnin everywhere?”
but little boy curious ignored all the talking,
didn’t jump—didn’t stall, just kept on walking.
and walked he did
to Avenue and Dryades where little
boy curious could finally rest and sigh.
he stood in a shack
rumbling fiercely in the wind, with flickering
lights and broken glasses of toxic sin.
the shelves at random in the shed
were drowned by a scratchy, droning wail; so little boy curious,
wandering about, listened keenly to follow the trail.
and deep within the broken store
stood a single, gray and splitting door
that at the bottom dripped a hue
of crimson, cherry and bloody dew.

This is not done.
There are many more installments to go, or at least just one more.

1 Nov 04

Rated 9 (8.3) by 8 users.
Active (8): 4, 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (7): 1, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(105 more poems by this author)

(5 users consider this poem a favorite)

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I think I've just been attacked.
 — Rixes

Please, a real comment would be appreciated.
 — unknown

I was logged in, but mysteriously I suddenly wasn't.
 — Rixes

I really liked this, what there was to it at least.  I'm very much interested in the next installment.
 — psychedelico

Strangely enough Rixes, I was reading this..and got the impression that you wrote it. Weird, right? Well, I'm a sucker for structure. This is good. I wanted to skip all the way down to see what sort of dreadful end Little Boy Curious would meet. Does the ending refer to juice or blood? I can't quite figure that out.
 — wendz

Well, this poem
is still unfinished,
but the bloody hew
at the bottom of the
door was meant to represent

Thanks for commenting, wendz.
 — Rixes

Can I ask
why you thought
it was me?

Someone else said
something like that
on one of my other poems.
 — Rixes

too bad about boy jubilant
because he so needed a friend.
 — noodleman

Yes, noodleman. Too bad old Boy Jubilant met his demise.
Rixes--not sure why. I was maybe three stanzas into this,
when the name "Rixes" jumped out at me.
Strange, when it's not like there are volumes of your things posted here.
 — unknown

I think
Old Boy Jubilant
was my inspiration,
but I would never
admit to it
 — Rixes

Hehe...old Boy Jubilant may be gone
but has left and inedelible (sp) print
on PC and Tetto Poets.
 — unknown

trrrrprpprpprpppp!P!PPp1PP!PPpppppppppppssssuuuuuu cccckkkkkssswwwttrrppppppp
 — unknown

i love the bottom stanza, lovley, truley
 — tragicbubble

Indeed, I really want to read more of this poem.
 — Cloudless

Great writing.  The images conveyed here are very powerful and the reader feels as if they are right there, watching, not just reading.
 — FemmeInLA

Wow. Do you do this for a living? Love everything about it, from "little boy curious"'s name (reminds me of my own son) lines 16 to 21 are wonderfully simple, I love the way you say that it was no surprise his hair was a mess, thats so little boys. Of course, is there going to be a darkness to the ending, the next installment?
 — icepineapple

Great little narrative, you leave us gagging for more! Love little boy curious's name too.
 — callingcard

Just saw this on Recent Comment list (thanks callingcard). Has this been dormant since '04? PLease. Got to know what happens here. You have a good rhythm going. Keep it up!
 — unknown

Rrr. forgot to rate.
 — unknown

 — mmoneypenny

STUPID, like Tetto.
 — unknown

This is great - got me with the title due to Blakes "little boy lost". Yours stands tall amounst giants, i love this form of poetry, tellin stories and colouring them in.
Well done!
I better get back to it.

 — philoanon

i enjoyed this a lot.
i'll be sure to come back for the future installments.
 — sodapop

oops i forgot a rating.
here we go.
 — sodapop

the high, dry style, which doesn't commit, makes this into young adult, and it cannot really be critiqued except for punctuation and spelling. that's none of my business, since i can't know how you saw the poem in your head when you wrote it, so there's not too much to say. it's childish, but i think you want it to appear so, though it's still childishly written. the 2000's are so much like the 1950's... everybody pretending there's normal in the suburbs and everyone else is bent, only now the suburbs are martini bars and metrofukksional blow condos and your loft; everybody's decorating retro and haven't got time to write. not here, anyway.
 — mikebauer

what a surprise...

mikebauer doesn't like a poem
by an author
who questioned his work
 — unknown

what a surprise...

mikebauer doesn't like a poem
by an author
who questioned his work
— unknown
that's remarkably cheap. especially since i didn't know who wrote this until i'd posted it. after i posted the critque i saw who'd written it and i was surprised, because this one had been so imperious over this and that minor point in my writing. seeing this poem made me feel a little ashamed that i'd pushed him so much in responding to his critque of my work: i'd thought he actually had talent as a writer, and i took him seriously, and that we were constructing a dialog about what a poem should "look" like. that's a perfectly valid task among peers. i don't see any relation to what he's done and what i've done, and i think he's got the moves, but no real reason for writing a poem.

your comment, squeek, whatever, reminds me that i have to buy some Raid to spray this site... "raid" is like a roach motel, "unknown," but comes out of a sort of kok.
 — mikebauer

all K's! so cool!
 — unknown

What's remarkable, mikebauer
is that you seem to think
that critique can only come
from people you deem

good critique is true
whether it comes from
shakespeare's holy mouth
or from a gibbering hack

it's a pity that such an old man
has not learned tolerance
 — unknown

all K's! so cool!
— unknown

special K's for you, to go with your hood, cause i know you kluxers are very conservatively into whatever you know. koktail?
 — mikebauer

What's remarkable, mikebauer
is that you seem to think
that critique can only come
from people you deem
so lame. suppose a six year old saw your prematurely balding head and called you "dickhead"? wouldn't that be a critique by your terms? we could say that it was, and wave the critique around like a phallus in a greek pagent. it would do. but, what if this critique came up while you were going for the mr. jock contest? remember that your hair is only partially gone, you don't look macho... and, in fact, it's got nothing to do at all with the mr. jock contest and no one pays any attention to this six year old, with a runny nose, saying "hee looks funy!" -- wouldn't you protest their ignoring him? calling you "dickhead" would be a critque, nicht war?

here's a hanky.
 — mikebauer

your vehemence and inability to control your temper
only damage your arguments, mikebauer

an insulting child, that you resemble more than anyone else
with your inevitable lapses into profanity,
that would not be offering critique
because it is not in an arena of rational criticism
you, however, are supposed to be

i maintain, however, that you seem to perceive
only writing similiar to yours to be good
and that which is dissimiliar
to be childish
or bad
or lacking in spirit

it's just kind of sad.
 — unknown

your vehemence and inability to control your temper
only damage your arguments, mikebauer

am i suppose to worry about you not understanding me or being able to follow an argument and respond in kind? why should i care that you mistake attitude for "temper", as though you're at home at your mom's, punished in your room for an outburst, and saying the thing on Your mind At me, as though i were easy? i'm not. everything i've said is perfectly in line with being an old and accomplished poet. i do make mistakes, and i understand that kids write like kids, but i don't think kids really get that fact... unless they want me to not criticise them, to read them like "kids". then it's all, 'we're just kids!".

i'd tell you to go jump in the river, but there's no "k's" in the sentence.

 — mikebauer

I enjoyed reading this poem.  I would hope there is more to come, although, it seems to be done, with the blood and all.
Nice work, this is the first of your poems I've read.  I will read more,
 — jenakajoffer

I agree with mike. This has never been a favorite of mine. I never even finished it (as said in the footnote). It was posted in November of 2004, a little over two years ago. I have grown -- in writing, in everything. But, to those who like it, well, great. Everyone has their own tastes.

Ironic that this poem, deemed "childish," is the grounds of a verbal warfare typical of first graders or politicians.
 — Rixes

Hmm. I remember this.
 — dandy

you did a better job rhyming than most people.  it didn't feel as forced as it often does.  many of the lines are too far out of any set meter for the rhymes to feel natural, though.  you know?  like,

"with flickering / lights and broken glasses of toxic sin" FEELS LIKE (to me) tooo long of a phrase to be rhymed with "he stood in a shack / rumbling fiercely in the wind."

mmm perhaps change line 13 to reflect/remind the past tense more clearly & make it an independent clause: "burnt holes through gutters"

line 24--good line, but perhaps make a little change to improve the flow:  "taunts to the night sky and chattering noise."

hope my few little insights have helped.

thanks for sharing,
 — steveroggenb